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Google Says Chinese Democracy Bloggers Bigger Threat than Al Qaeda

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California --- Google refused to remove Al Qaeda videos from YouTube today, claiming free speech concerns in response to a request from Senator Joe Lieberman over security issues.  Their focus will instead be on compliance with Chinese government requests to silence dangerous Chinese bloggers and government critics.

"We respect Senator Lieberman's concerns, but we think he's wrong," said a Google spokesperson.  "Al Qaeda has free speech rights too.  Even if they kill Americans and foster death and destruction around the world.  I mean we're not talking about dangerous Chinese bloggers and dissidents and human rights information.  While we are ignoring US government requests to censor terrorists, we will still aggressively comply with Chinese government requests to block any content the Chinese government finds objectionable.  We feel that is the only real threat that needs to be addressed by our company.  Our motto is to do no evil, and we don't feel the Al Qaeda videos recruiting terrorists to kill and torture civilians meet the same standards on evil as  websites critical of the Chinese government or promoting human rights."

Protect Marriage

Great News!  Thanks to the California Supreme Court, now I can fulfill my dream of marrying my grandmother!

Please donate to www.protectmarriage.com to help pass a state constitutional amendment to protect the sanctity of marriage from the will of the judges.

Grandma, Will You Marry Me?

Humans Almost Went Extinct 70k Years Ago from Not Using CFC Bulbs

USA --- Scientists recently discovered that human beings almost went extinct 70,000 years ago due to a massive drought.  The cause?  Man-made global warming primarily from the use of standard light bulbs.

"The usage of non-CFC light bulbs almost destroyed the human race," said Dr. Max Charlatan of the Lexington Institute of Advanced Research.  "Had they used CFC bulbs, I calculate that the world would not have seen this drought.  We should use this as a warning to all humans today.  World governments need to force people to use CFC bulbs and ride bicycles in order to prevent disaster.  The other shocking discovery from this study is that apparently George Bush is over 70,000 years old, and his policies were the ones that can be blamed for this near-tragedy.  He is the Devil."

Anti-McCain Ad

Hillary's Pastor Blames PMS on Government

ARKANSAS --- Several weeks after Barack Obama got into trouble over his pastor saying that the US government introduced AIDS into the black population, Hillary Clinton is now faced with a similar mess.  Her pastor, Danielle Meyer, has now been caught saying in a sermon that the US government is also responsible for introducing PMS into the female population in order to destroy women.  A secret taping of one of her sermons from 2006 reveals a hatred of the government and America's long-time effort to bring down women.

Quote from her sermon:
"The government lied about inventing PMS as a means of genocide against women. The government lied.  Women are fighting against each other, and they are fighting the wrong enemy.  Men are the enemy who oppress women so that men can live better lives.  Goddess damn America!  That's in the Bible.  Goddess damn America for its oppression and genocide of women!  When men die from Viagra overdoses, that's just pigeons coming home to nest after all of the women they have oppressed."

Hillary Clinton's campaign quickly scrambled to control the damage.  Hillary said in an interview that "I can no more disown her than I can disown the female community.  I can no more disown her than I can disown my male grandfather -- a man who helped raise me, after he told me women belong in the kitchen and making pies."  Clinton is expected to give an historic speech on sexism within the next week.

Jealous Jimmy Beats Barack to Punch

ISRAEL --- Former President, Jimmy Carter, became so jealous of Barack Obama's desire to meet with all terrorists and enemies of America, that he has quickly embarked on his own mission called "A Journey of Hope, Change and Love for People Who Want to Kill Americans".  His first stop will be with the head of Hamas.

"Barack has nothing on me," said Carter.  "By the time this election rolls around, I will have met with all of America's enemies already.  Hamas?  Hugged and kissed them.  Chavez?  Will give him a Cuban cigar.  Iran's Ahmapajamahead?  I will kiss his feet while kneeling on an American flag.  Kim Jong Il?  I'll bring him some cash money.  Osama bin Laden?  I'll sneak in rocket launchers and box cutters for his needs.  And I wont' stop there.  I will go far beyond the feeble imagination of Mr. Obama.  I will next meet with every murderer in prison.  Some may say this is cruel to the families of the murder victims, but I am hopeful that I can be a communicator between the two sides and bring some understanding and peace.  If the families of the murder victims don't understand or won't reconcile, then they only have themselves to blame.  They are acting like George Bush would act.  Or they're just dumb, bitter Pennsylvanians."

Obama Says Dumb Hicks Should Cling to Government, Not Guns, Religion and Bigotry

SMALL TOWN, USA --- Barack Obama further explained his comments to a highbrow San Francisco audience today, after getting heat for saying that small town people cling to religion, guns and anti-immigrant sentiment when they get bitter over job losses.

"My rivals are making this a ridiculous spectacle," said Obama.  "I am not an elitist.  I am merely a Communist.  All I meant is that lesser educated people in small towns are clinging to these things when instead they should be clinging to the government.  I will be that candidate who brings about a hope and change which will let them turn to the government to confront bitterness.  It's not just small town people either.  Big city bitter people who turn to Starbucks and yoga and therapy and shopping should also turn to government instead.  Government is the answer to all of our problems.  Government will make everything better, not bitter.  I can fix this mess, if you're smart enough to just give me the power to do it."

Kerry Makes Emergency Landing Looking for Soldiers in Afghanistan Too Dumb to Not Get Stuck There

AFGHANISTAN --- John Kerry's helicopter made an emergency landing during a snowstorm in Afghanistan while looking for soldiers who were too dumb not to get out of serving in Afghanistan or Iraq.

"I was over in Afghanistan on a secret mission looking for these soldiers who need my help getting out of the war there," said a shaken John Kerry.  "These poor men and women are stuck over here, and I'm trying to get them out.  Unfortunately, we came under attack from a snowstorm and were forced to make an emergency landing before finding anyone.  I will be heading back home to get a Purple Heart and a Silver Star from the President, and then I'll head back to look for soldiers.  John Kerry, reporting for duty."

McCain Film Wins Best Picture Oscar

WASHINGTON, DC --- The John McCain campaign was toasting champagne after winning an improbable three Oscars for Best Picture, Director and Adapted Screenplay.  The picture, 'No Country for Old Men', is a documentary about the McCain candidacy.

"This is a great day for our campaign," said McCain.  "This win just shows that even a true conservative can win in Hollywood.  I skipped watching Matlock tonight to make sure I caught the Oscars.  I'm very very pleased."

The New York Times film, 'There Will Be Blood', won Oscars as well.  The McCain campaign called the story about the 'There Will Be Blood' Oscars completely false and without merit.   The New York  Times admitted the story may not have met their normal standards.

Obama: No Flag Pin, Because It Doesn't Represent Hope, Change

AMERIKA --- Barak Hussein Obama explained clearly the reason he does not wear an American flag pin on his lapel like all other presidential candidates.  It does not represent hope and change.

"I am the candidate of hope, change, and the future," said Obama.  "I am very patriotic, so this has nothing to do with patriotism.  The American flag just doesn't represent hope, change, and the future to me.  And I am only focused on those areas right now.  Anything that does not fit with that theme has no part in my life.  Just like I would never wear a picture of George Bush on my lapel.  Or a crucifix.  Or a dollar sign.  Those things have no place in my theme.  My hopeful dream of a changing future of hopefulness can only be realized with my full focus on those areas.  And it has nothing to do with patriotism."