A once proud nation that helped America win her freedom from the British, France has been a thorn in our side ever since. We rescue them from annihilation in two World Wars, we suffer through the export of actors like Gerard Depardieu, and we try to introduce them to the wonders of deodorant. What do we get in return? Demonizing the United States, insulting our leaders, not allowing our jets to fly in their air space in order to bomb Muammar Ghadafi, and now a threat to try and thwart our effort to rid the world of one of the most evil dictators it has ever seen.
In a move typical of the cowardly French, they announced this week that they would probably use their veto power to stop the U.N. Security Council from passing a war resolution against Iraq. How many times does the United States have to save Frenchy's bacon to get even an ounce of respect? And why is a wimp like France even on the "Security Council" anyway? But I guess it goes hand-in-hand with the U.N.'s brilliant plan of letting Libya head the Commission on Human Rights. That's like putting Bill Clinton on the "Respect for Women Council."
Well, I say enough is enough. It's time to swat that pesky mosquito and stop the French from bothering us any longer. We should attack France immediately. Let's not give them the opportunity to vote down a United Nations resolution for military action against Iraq. Why deal with their disrespect for even one more day?
And don't worry. Attacking France now won't delay our ability to get Saddam. It shouldn't take more than 48-hours to complete the task of defeating the French. In fact, we probably don't even need to use our military or waste our expensive modern weaponry. I'm thinking we could give some bottles and lead pipes to Oakland Raiders fans and New York City construction workers to get the job done just as easily. We should probably outfit our boys with running shoes as well, since history has taught us that the French do indeed know how to run away quickly when a war breaks out.
Once we're finished, we'll even have the added benefit of turning the former country of France into an exile territory for all of our homegrown traitors. We can send Hollywood's lefties, the Clintons, Al Gore, Jesse Jackson, everyone in the major media, and most of Palm Beach, Florida. We'll just change the name from France to F.R.A.N.C.E. - For Rich Arrogant Neo-Communist Elitists.
The best part about this plan is that we're unlikely to meet any resistance from our other European "allies". Nobody likes the French. Even the French don't like the French. Europe's only concern will be making sure that the retreating French hordes don't try to escape into their own countries after we attack.
That said, we will meet some resistance to this plan at home. I'm sure the pinko-socialist-anarchist-libbie-nutjobs in Amerikka are already putting on their Birkenstocks and planning to protest as they read this article. I can imagine the signs they're making. "No Blood for Wine!" "We Kiss Frogs, Not Kill Them!" "We Love the French, Even If They Do Think Jerry Lewis is Funny!"
Maybe we can pool together our frequent flier miles and send all of these libbie protesters to France to act as "human shields", just as many are planning to do in Iraq. Most of them don't appear to shower, so they'll fit right in over there anyway.
Getting the annoying French out of the way will allow us to go after Saddam with the full support of all European nations. They'll be jumping on the "Bomb Saddam" bandwagon as thanks for our ridding the world of their obnoxious French neighbors.
No Saddam. No French. The world has never known such happiness. And if they don't watch their step, the liberal Canadians are next, eh?