During an emergency State of the Union address this morning, President Bush declared war on Hollywood. The move comes as no surprise, based on the relentless attack from Hollywood terrorist sleeper cells against America and capitalism over the past few weeks.
President Bush stated that "we will smoke them out of their mansions, get them running, and bring them to justice." He continued by saying "make no mistake, we will win this war on the evil Hollywood anti-Americans. Good triumphs over evil. Truth over hypocrisy."
Experts say that the President's hand was forced by the never-ending attacks of Hollywood liberals, led by Martin sheen Laden. sheen Laden's terrorist organization is known as "Ja-hosh", which means "jackass" in Arabic. His sleeper cells have been very busy lately, marching with Communist groups in America in support of Saddam Hussein, comparing Bush to Hitler, and taking out anti-American advertising in the New York Times and on CBS (America's answer to Al Jazeera).
Insiders speculate that the President will set up a Department of Hollywood Security, which will report directly to the White House. Early rumors are that Fred Thompson, former Tennessee senator and current actor on Law and Order, will be nominated to head the new department. Thompson's inside experience in dealing with these Hollywood terrorist cells makes him an obvious choice for the post.
The President made it clear in his speech that this will be a long war, because the Hollywood cowards tend to fight in the shadows and hide in their energy-consuming mansions, which are strewn throughout the country. They also own massive SUV's capable of crossing unpaved roads to reach remote resorts and ski lodges.
Due to the impending military action against Iraq, the Pentagon announced that they needed to do some scrambling to find adequate personnel to fight these evildoers. While the Boy Scouts would be an obvious choice for this task, they have been chosen instead to invade France in what is being called Operation Vineyard Storm.
Military experts speculate that the Boy Scouts could become available quickly due to the ease with which they should defeat the French (intelligence reports show that French soldiers are being given flags with easy-tear Velcro strips for the blue and red stripes, making it easier to form a white surrender flag). However, the Boy Scout occupation of France could last for several months in order to keep the peace. Pentagon officials believe that Girl Scouts could easily be used in place of Boy Scouts, and preparations are being made accordingly.
President Bush was careful not to put too much emphasis on the capture of Martin sheen Laden as a measure for the success of the War on Hollywood. While sheen Laden is the leader of Ja-hosh, victory over Hollywood will not depend on his capture or demise. Martin has many important lieutenants, and all of them will be targeted. The FBI has launched a website with the names and descriptions of the top Ja-hosh terrorists for a separate "most wanted" list in the War on Hollywood. The evildoers on this list include Martin sheen Laden, Tim bin Robbins, Janeane Guerillafalo, George Clooneytunes, Susan Saharandon, Spike Al-Lee, Mike Fatwa Farrell, Ed Assner, Danny Al-Glover, Scaryl Crow, Sean "Red" Penn, Sheikh Alec Baldwin and Barbra StreiSand of the Desert. Others may be added to the list in the near future as intelligence information is gathered.
The FBI considers all of these individuals to be ignorant and dangerous. Extreme caution should be used when approaching them, and the FBI should be contacted immediately.
During the President's speech, he also stressed that we should not automatically condemn all of those in Hollywood as terrorists. He asked for tolerance and understanding in a time of anxiety. "It is not fair to assume that all of those in Hollywood are evil anti-American terrorists," said the President. "Just as all Muslims are not terrorists, neither are all actors. Of course, a much higher percentage of actors hate America compared to Muslims, but that's not the point here. We cannot condemn the innocent," he added.
In a surprising move, the President also made it clear that those who harbor Hollywood elitist Ja-hosh members are just as guilty as the terrorists themselves. This sent shockwaves throughout the Democratic Party, since many Democrats yuck it up with Hollywood's elite on a regular basis. Their common goal of a Socialist government to dominate over America often brings them together and could expose many Democrats to possible links with Ja-hosh.
Rumors have surfaced that intelligence agencies will use complex sting operations to flush out these Ja-hosh members. One such operation, a casting call for a bogus reality show called I'm a Celebrity---Give Me Money!, was scrapped after has-been and never-was celebrities lined up for over twenty-three blocks for a chance to audition. An inside source at the FBI was quoted as saying "we just weren't prepared for that kind of turnout. It would have taken us two months to determine if we had any Ja-hosh members in that crowd."
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