An alarming discovery by NASA has Green Party members, The Sierra Club, Al Gore, The United Nations, and tree-hugging hippies all over earth in a panic. Global warming is occurring on Mars! NASA has reported that Mars is coming out of an ice age and experiencing significant climate changes. Some how, some way, the ruthless Republicans have found a way to get their message of support for oil companies and gas guzzling SUV's all the way to Mars. How else can anyone explain global warming on Mars?
Concerned environmentalists everywhere expressed dismay that they were asleep at the wheel for this one. Not content to destroy just the earth, the Republicans must have devised a way to push their destruction all the way to Mars. Theories have begun to surface that Rush Limbaugh's radio show is being broadcast through a Republican-owned satellite directed at Mars. Others theorize that this is a Bush payoff to his oil buddies for winning the election, or that this plot might somehow be a hidden clause somewhere deep in the pages of that dreaded Patriot Act.
Response from the environmental movement was swift and decisive. Hours after Al Gore endorsed metrosexual Howard Dean for president, he stated "I support Dean, because he's willing to fight against SUV use on Mars." He added, "The Bush administration will not get away with causing global warming on yet another planet. Being the laughingstock of the Democratic Party now, I might be forced to live on Mars some day. And I'll be damned if I'm going to allow global warming to happen in a place that could be the future home for me and my family."
In response to this dreaded news, the French announced that they would triple gasoline taxes in order to build a fund for fighting global warming on Mars. After administration fees, payoffs, and adjustments, the French estimate the fund will accumulate $73 within the next ten years. Earlier rumors that deodorant might cause global warming have caused the French to renew their vow to reject deodorant usage until both the earth and Mars have beaten global warming.
Recently defeated San Francisco mayoral Green Party candidate, Matt Gonzalez, immediately vowed to fight for an end to global warming on Mars. His first order of business as the current president of the San Francisco board of supervisors was to order all bike companies in San Francisco to send bicycles to Mars on the next NASA rocket at their own expense. He also began a process to hire 23,000 more city workers to send to Mars in order to build three new bike lanes. As a sign of solidarity to our Mars comrades, Gonzalez suggested that all San Franciscans still demented enough to own a car should donate their car to the city in order for it to be turned into affordable housing for the growing homeless population.
Sensing another opportunity to try and make a difference, Hollywood heavies like Martin Sheen, Danny Glover, and Sean Penn have begun organizing a protest march and civil disobedience rallies to be held on the streets of Mars until global warming is stopped dead in its tracks. Martin Sheen issued a press release in which he said "how many innocent Martian babies need to die because of the senseless greed of the Bush administration and his oil buddies?" He continued by saying "we know this is all part of Bush's plot to kill children and destroy the land and water on every planet within his reach." Sheen hopped into his limo to a waiting private jet to take him back to one of his multiple multi-thousand-square-foot homes with full heating and air conditioning and could not be reached for further comment. Since the Hollywood activists don't want to use environmentally destructive rocket fuel to reach their destination, they have formed a committee to either design a bicycle that can be ridden to Mars or to invent a rocket fuel made from hemp.
The boldest move, however, came from the United Nations. Based on their success in finding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, UN president, Kofi Anan, has decided to send a UN inspection team to Mars in order to search and destroy SUV's, power plants, and human beings. When asked why the UN would want to destroy any human beings it found on Mars, Kofi Anan replied "everyone knows that human beings expel carbon dioxide when they exhale. If carbon dioxide is causing global warming, then all producers of that gas must be destroyed to save that wonderful planet." Given the incompetence of the UN inspection team, Anan admitted that any human being on Mars would likely be safe from discovery.
Meanwhile, deep in the boardrooms of SUV manufacturers, executives began counting the endless billions they are making from secret sales to Mars. And oil company executives can only smile as they have found a market for their product on a planet with no environmental laws or EPA restrictions.
Yes, Mars is experiencing global warming. Environmentalists know this can't be a natural occurrence, so the evil Republicans, oil companies, and SUV manufacturers must be at fault.