David Kay, charged with searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq for the last several months, resigned his post recently and stated that he did not believe Iraq possessed WMD prior to the recent coalition invasion. While President Bush never listed this as the primary reason for invading Iraq, the inability to find WMD has been cited by many of his foes in the media and in the Democratic Party as a major flaw in the decision to invade Iraq.
Howard Dean, smarting from the recent capture of Saddam Hussein, has been looking for another angle to attack Bush about the war against Iraq. Insiders reveal that he believes the lack of evidence for WMD will give him a great opportunity to blame Bush for going to war based on a lie about WMD. If he could only prove a lack of WMD in Iraq, he could pin blame on Bush for invading Iraq without justification. Dean's sputtering anti-war rhetoric and infamous "Iowa Yell" would be forgotten, and Dr. Dean could again take his rightful place at the head of the Democratic Party with relentless Bush bashing.
But Dean didn't trust David Kay's statement about WMD. He feared that Bush might be setting a trap for him. As soon as he blamed Bush for fighting a war based on lies about WMD, Bush might suddenly pull the rug out from under him and find WMD in Iraq. After the "Iowa Yell", he couldn't survive another major blunder like that.
So to gain comfort on the non-existence of WMD in Iraq, Dean devised a plan to have a secret hunt for WMD under his own direction. But he needed to do it in a stealth manner so as not to tip his hand about what he was doing. He had to send someone to Iraq who would never, I mean never, be suspected of searching for WMD. Since Saddam Hussein was already in custody, Dean was forced to go to his second choice - Sean Penn.
To make the ruse work, Sean was sent in undercover as a "journalist" for the San Francisco Chronicle. While sending back articles that appeared to be written by his stoner high school character, Jeff Spicoli, Penn was actually preparing a report while conducting a massive search for WMD. The results of that report are now complete, and the text of that report appears below.
TITLE: DUDE, NO WMD HERE
Howie, man. What's up? The following is a report on my search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. It was a long, hard search, but I'm pretty confident that nothing is there, dude. We're going to nail that Bushwhacker to the wall on this one!
Upon my arrival in Baghdad, I was greeted by my guide, Samir, at the airport. Samir was a great guy, but he was missing three fingers and an eye. Apparently, he had been "re-educated" by the former regime when his daughter refused to marry an Iraqi general. He looked really cool with the patch on his eye though. Kind of like a pirate.
My first order of business was to search the hundreds of mass graves throughout Iraq. If I was hiding WMD, I think that would be the perfect place to put them. Who wants to dig through all of those rotting corpses to find a few vials of anthrax or ricin? There were so many graves to dig through, that I brought along Michael Moore, Martin Sheen, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon to help with the search. We didn't find a single piece of evidence that WMD were located there. The search wasn't a complete waste though. Samir found six of his relatives during our searches. Good eye, Samir! (no joke intended there, dude)
Next, we decided to search the 637 vacated torture chambers and rape rooms around Iraq. That was really depressing. All of those people who worked in those torture chambers are unemployed now. Even more jobs lost because of Bush! We looked under every body shredder, torture rack and rape kit. Again, we found nothing. We even tested the thousands of bloodstains throughout the buildings for signs of biological weapons. Samir urinated on the rape room where his daughter was violated, so that was kind of cool.
Undeterred, we headed to the hidden terrorist training camps in the deserts. That was an interesting search. Some of the homicide bomb vests were still intact at these places, so we had to be careful when conducting our searches. We found plenty of documents outlining how to make dirty bombs and hijack commercial airlines, but none of them contained traces of radiation or biological or chemical weapons after testing.
At this point, we were feeling good about the lack of WMD evidence. But we still had to search government buildings. What a nightmare! Piles and piles of secret documents had to be moved out of the way for us to conduct our searches. Meetings with Al Qaeda officials, nuclear centrifuge designs, human testing of biological and chemical agents, communications with North Korea about obtaining weapon technology, blah, blah, blah. Way too many documents in our way. It took hours to shred them so we could have room to search for WMD. No WMD found, but I did find some really cool diagrams of major U.S. monuments, bridges, buildings and nuclear power plants. I should mention that there was a lot of documentation about plans by Saddam to manufacture or acquire WMD, but I'm confident he wasn't successful yet.
Lucky for us, Bush invaded now instead of a year from now. Otherwise, we might have actually found some WMD by that point and helped justify this disgusting war. Howie, can you imagine if Saddam had been successful in getting a nuclear weapon by now? We'd really have egg on our face if we found one of those.
So that's it, man. Nothing. Nada. No WMD in this country. I can't vouch for the weapons that might have been moved to Syria or Iran, but I've got another movie to make and don't have time to search those countries too. We also didn't find any evidence that the WMD we knew existed were actually destroyed. Can't quite figure out what happened to all that stuff, but we sure didn't find it.
Finally, I think this is a great approach to knock down the war machine. Afghanistan and Kosovo didn't have any WMD either, and we bombed those dudes too. Just say the word, and I'll hop on my private jet to prove they didn't have WMD in those countries and nail Bush for those wars as well. I think Clinton might have been president for one of those wars, but I doubt anyone will notice. The honcho I know at the New York Times assures me they won't mention anything about Clinton being in charge during one of those wars. Good luck, Howie! YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!