First, destruction of the Iraqi military. Then, marching into Baghdad. Next, freedom for all Iraqis. Followed by clearing out terrorists and other insurgents. And now the United States military forces in Iraq are even beginning to solve the homeless problem. Is there anything our military can't do?
On December 14, 2003, our military heroes in Iraq were shown on the Communist News Network (CNN) rousting a bearded homeless man out of an underground "spider hole" at a farmhouse outside of Tikrit. This vagabond was taken into custody, and they didn't even show proof that he had urinated on a public building or that he had been harassing Iraqi tourists who might be visiting the now-defunct torture chambers and rape rooms scattered throughout Iraq.
Why can we solve the homeless problems in a far away place like Iraq and do nothing to improve the situation here at home? Can't the police and military clean out the spider holes in our own country? President Bush is insulting us by solving homelessness in the rest of the world while ignoring the problem in his own back yard.
The Democracker presidential candidates are already viewing this incident as a key issue in the 2004 election. Coward Dean immediately announced that the detention of this bearded Iraqi homeless man did not make the United States any safer from terrorism. He didn't really elaborate, so I assume he was inferring that we will only be safe from terrorism once all bearded homeless men living in spider holes right here in America are rounded up and taken into custody by our military or law enforcement agencies. You go, Coward Dean! And here I thought you were soft on terrorism after insisting that Osama bin Laden was innocent until proven guilty in a jury trial. I had you all wrong.
But Dean didn't stop there. In an interview with CNN he claimed that "some people" believe the capture of this homeless fellow in Iraq was actually a staged event to coincide with the election. He also claimed that "some people" believe that George W. Bush is really the cryogenically unfrozen body of Adolf Hitler after major plastic surgery. And that "some people" believe the entire country of Iraq is really just a huge sound stage on Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas, where Bush is creating the supposed "war on terror" complete with freedom for the Iraqi people and a solution for their homeless problem.
John F. Kerry, the lone Frenchman vying for the Democracker nomination, claimed that Bush's solution for the homeless problem in Iraq simply proved that Bush's tax cuts were a complete failure and that his Homeland Security plan was a disaster. When someone pointed out that the economy has seen dramatic improvements recently and that there hasn't been a successful domestic terrorist attack since 9/11, Kerry stated "these are not the droids you're looking for." Confused by this Jedi mind trick, the New York Times accidentally declared Kerry the winner of the 2004 presidential election the following day. An angry Dan Rather reported this news as fact and later had to retract his report.
In San Francisco, the homeless capital of the world, reaction was quick and decisive. Matt Gonzalez, the former candidate for mayor in San Francisco for the Red Par… uh, the Green Party, immediately denounced the detention of this bearded homeless man in Iraq. "Isn't it bad enough that some American cities actually arrest and jail homeless crack dealers, pedophiles, burglars, rapists, and murderers?" he said. "Now our military forces are abusing the homeless outside of our own borders! Will they stop at nothing to avoid providing tax-payer funded housing for drug addicts, alcoholics and Commun… uh, comrad… uh, environmentalists?"
Gonzalez then began to stress over how the city of San Francisco might provide a $400 check to this homeless Iraqi citizen that it provides to all other homeless transients living in the spider holes of San Francisco. When word of Gonzalez's stress over this $400 payment reached the now-free-press of Iraq, Southwest Airlines announced that almost 23 million Iraqis flooded their reservation system to book flights to San Francisco. Apparently, $400-per-month is six thousand times the average monthly income of most Iraqis.
Gonzalez did see one positive outcome from the capture of this bearded homeless man in Iraq. He has now proposed that San Francisco require all developers in San Francisco build a minimum of one "spider hole" for every four apartment units built within city limits. However, he is vehemently opposed to using environmentally unfriendly Styrofoam for the doorway to these spider holes (as was used by this unfortunate homeless man in Iraq). Instead, he proposes using hemp as a viable substitute. Gonzalez offered his own personal stash of 1,100 pounds of hemp as a starter.
Appalled by the treatment of this Iraqi homeless man, BraBra Streisand and hundreds of Hollywood activists have begun planning a fundraiser. The Ditsie Chicks have even volunteered to travel all the way to South America to raise money for the Iraqi homeless. An embarrassed BraBra Streisand informed the Ditsie Chicks that Iraq was actually in Africa, not South America, and that they would have to alter their travel plans. The Ditsie Chicks informed BraBra that they were already doing a show Montreal, so they could easily take a quick bus ride to get there after the Montreal concert. Martin Sheen even volunteered to drive the bus.
Meanwhile, in Iraq, a cowardly, murderous, homeless man is being held in a jail cell that is larger than his previous spider hole residence. And rather than being fed through a plastic shredder, being raped, hung, set on fire, dipped in acid, skinned alive, shot, castrated, fed through a meat grinder, having eyeballs plucked, being decapitated, or being forced to watch as his daughter is raped, this Iraqi homeless man awaits a public trial under conditions that are surely better than living in a spider hole at a farm house in Tikrit.
Maybe it's time we learned something from the way our military is solving the homeless problem in Iraq. As President Bush said after 9/11, "smoke 'em out of their holes, get 'em runnin', and bring 'em to justice."