I love my grandmother very much, and I think it's time to ask for her hand in marriage. Since I live in San Francisco, I think there's a pretty good chance we can get the license approved. If banning same-sex marriage violates California's equal protection clause in the constitution, then certainly banning incest marriage also violates that equal protection clause.
I know, most of you out there are saying "dude, that's pretty freakin' gross!" Whatever. That's really not your concern. How many people think same-sex marriage is gross? That shouldn't be the measure of whether or not we allow people to marry. Just let me do what I want to do, since I'm not hurting anyone else. How am I really affecting any of you if I want to marry my grandmother, huh? Don't discriminate against me and my grandmother just because you wouldn't do it yourself.
It's time for me to stand up for my civil rights. The government has no right to disqualify me from marrying my grandmother if that's what I want to do. I'm guaranteed life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I'm just pursuing happiness, and it's not impacting anyone else. Who is this hurting? People might think we'll have a rough time making it due to the lack of acceptance out there, but I'm determined to make it anyway. That's my decision to make. Not yours or the government's.
And don't tell me I can get most of the same benefits of married people without actually redefining marriage and becoming husband and wife with my grandmother. Marrying my grandmother will give me several benefits that are currently only available to married heterosexual couples, newly married same-sex couples, and same-sex domestic partners (a new law in California gives certain rights to same-sex domestic partners that are not available to opposite-sex domestic partners). Once we're married, I can mooch off her healthcare benefits, reduce my insurance rates, and transfer her estate to me without any taxes being deducted (since it will now be community property).
Gavin Newsom, the Mayor of San Francisco, was so proud to thumb his nose at the law and redefine marriage for same-sex couples. I'm quite sure he'll be just as proud to bless my marriage to my grandmother and break down the walls on yet another unfair discriminatory practice in this country. Bill Lockyer, California's Attorney General, seems content to let Newsom define marriage law however he pleases, so that's another barrier out of the way. Since Lockyer doesn't enforce state law, I'm not quite sure what his job is. But hey, why asks questions? I know Bill won't stand in my way. The judges in California also seem to think that laws and public referendums don't matter, so I can't see how anyone can stop me. Heck, if I convince everyone that redefining marriage in this way might get more votes, I could probably get John Kerry to be my best man right there at City Hall. He stands up for the little guy, you know?
One small problem occurs to me though. I'd really like to have a family some day, and I'm certainly not planning to do that with my grandmother. Hmmmm…. What can I do about that? Wait! I know. I can just marry someone else who wants to have children as well. I know what you're thinking. Polygamy is illegal, stupid. Not in California! Gavin Newsom is certainly not going to discriminate against polygamists. Equal protection, baby! As long as we're all consenting adults, we should be allowed to have the same rights and privileges as those elitist monogamist heterosexual married folk.
If you think about it, why do we even have laws that prevent polygamy and incest marriages? I mean polygamy is actively practiced in many countries throughout the world and has a history dating back centuries. No such history exists for same-sex marriages. I know people have concerns about birth defects with incest marriages, but come on. I'm not having any kids with my 87-year-old grandmother. What reason would society have for preventing us from getting married?
Come to think of it, California's constitution and the ballot measure passed a couple of years ago don't specifically disallow my marriage with my grandmother anyway. It specifically defines marriage as being between one man and one woman. Well, I'm a man, and my grandmother is a woman. I'm half way home with my plan! Now I just need to get the whole polygamy issue resolved. I guess I can address that when I decide to marry my second wife and start a family.
In the meantime, I think I'll just encourage current polygamists to storm City Hall in San Francisco and demand marriage licenses to put an end to their discrimination. But if you're a conservative Catholic woman living in the San Francisco area who might want to marry me and my grandmother, I'd certainly love to hear from you. The three of us could live a wonderful life together. And hey, if you've got a hot friend, maybe she'd like to marry us too. Don't worry about the legal logistics. The term "marriage" is meaningless now.