It was reported in the New York Times on Tuesday that John Kerry called Bill Clinton in the hospital to seek advice on his floundering campaign. While Kerry claims that he was only having a casual conversation and not seeking serious advice on how to turn around the train wreck that resembles his run for President, reports to the contrary have been circulating in the media.
Thanks to that evil Patriot Act that catches far too many terrorists, I've managed to get my hands on the full conversation that took place between Clinton and Kerry as recorded by the FBI. Here's the text of that conversation:
Clinton: Monica, I told you never to call me…
Kerry: No, no, no! Wait! It's John Kerry. Don't hang up, Bill.
Clinton: Oh, it's you. By the way, that's Mr. President to you.
Kerry: Sorry, Mr. President. I'm calling about something of a very serious nature. Could I please get your advice on what to do about something?
Clinton: Divorce her.
Clinton: Get out now, buddy. Trust me. You'll live to regret it. It's not worth all of the money.
Kerry: Uh, no, Mr. President. I was calling about my campaign. I'm getting my ass handed to me with both hands. Swiftboat vets, flip flopping, the most liberal voting record of any senator. I need something to turn this ship around. What can I do?
Clinton: Honestly, I don't know much about you, John. Actually, who the hell does know much about you? Can you remind me again why you're qualified to be Commander-in-Chief?
Kerry: I fought in Vietnam, Mr. President. Did you miss my three purple hearts?!?! And that's just a start. I've got a bronze star, and several other medals. I kinda threw the ribbons over the White House fence protesting the war though.
Clinton: The war in Iraq?
Kerry: No, sir. The Vietnam War.
Clinton: Look, Joe…
Clinton: Right. John. What the hell are you still doing talking about the Vietnam War? Wait a minute. Aren't you that jackass who testified in front of Congress about war crimes you and others had committed? Didn't you claim atrocities were commonplace, when in fact they really weren't? And the Vietcong used your own words to justify torturing our prisoners of war over there?
Kerry: Uh, well… Um, that's not really how it happened. I was young. I really, uh… Those damn Swiftboat Vets are distorting my record! (crying)
Clinton: Like I said. Why the hell are you still talking about Vietnam? No one cares what you did or didn't do in Vietnam. People who actually remember Vietnam hate you, John. Why in the world would you want to focus on that part of your life? Obviously, you need to move past that. Tell me what you've done since then. What did you achieve as a Senator?
Kerry: Let's see. I voted for 86,754 tax increases during my tenure. I voted against every major defense bill that came up for a vote. I voted against the first Gulf War. I voted for the second one. Then I said I was against it. Then I said I would have done the same thing Bush did. Now I'm saying it was a mistake. But then I voted against funding for the war. Oh, and I've been the lead sponsor on 8 bills that were passed in my 19 years in the Senate. But those were for renaming buildings, creating World Population Awareness Week, and protecting marine mammals from fisheries.
Kerry: Mr. President? Are you still on the line?
Clinton: John, how the hell did you get the nomination for President? Oh, wait a minute. That was so Hillary could run in… um…
Kerry: What's that?
Clinton: Nothing. Nothing. Look, John. I really don't think you can run on your past record. What is your plan for the future?
Kerry: Bush sucks.
Clinton: Come again?
Kerry: Everything Bush did sucks. I'm going to do it better.
Clinton: Um, yeah. What specifically would that be?
Kerry: Well, I'm going to turn around the economy. I'm creating 50 million new jobs. I'm going to win the war on terrorism. I'm going to solve the problem in Iraq. I'm going to solve the healthcare problem. I'm creating 23,000 new social programs run by the government. I'm going to balance the budget.
Clinton: Okay. But what exactly are you planning to do to achieve these things? You realize we're not a Communist country, right? You can't just take over the economy and the healthcare system.
Kerry: Oh, well, I'm going to raise taxes.
Clinton: That's Mr. President, Joe.
Clinton: Right. John, have you ever taken an economics class?
Clinton: No one in the media has either, so you actually have a shot at convincing them your ridiculous plans make any sense. Just make sure no one ever asks you to name a Bush economic policy that hurt the economy or to name a policy he should have implemented to help the economy. Truthfully, there's no answer to that question, but the media cooperates with us and just plays sound bites about job losses. What about the war on terror?
Kerry: I'm going to send more troops to Iraq from France and Germany and Russia. And then I'm going to pull everyone out of Iraq. And I'm vowing to veto any new military or security spending bill that comes through Congress. And I'm going to place Osama bin Laden under arrest.
Clinton: John, I think I only have one suggestion that you need to follow.
Kerry: Hold on. Let me write this down.
Clinton: Spend all of your campaign money attacking Rudy Giuliani, John McCain, and Colin Powell.
Clinton: I think they're the most likely challengers to Hillary in 2008. Let's use all of your money to get a head start for the 2008 campaign.
Kerry: Now hold on a minute!
Clinton: Oh, hey, I've gotta hang up, Joe. Hillary is revoking my phone privileges. (click)