WASHINGTON, DC --- Al Qaeda announced today that they will officially file as a Democrat 527 group in response to actions underway by the Federal Election Commission to fine them for partisan political ads for John Kerry. The FEC determined that Osama bin Laden's recently released tape was in direct violation of election law. Terrorists for al Qaeda denied any wrong doing, but they claimed filing as a 527 group will ensure that they keep within the letter of the law.
An unnamed official at the FEC said "it is clear from the bin Laden tape that al Qaeda is directly supporting the Kerry campaign for president and that the commercial is produced by a foreign entity. By filing as a domestic 527 and using their domestic terror funds to product future commercials, they should be able to avoid future problems."
PARIS, France --- President George Bush announced the launch of Operaton Frenchy Freedom today, which is a military action against France. Citing his policy to attack countries who harbor terrorists, Mr. Bush noted that Yasser Arafat was now being harbored by the snooty French. The President stated "I told you that anyone who harbors terrorists would not be safe from us. Arafat is a terrorist. He's in France. End of story."
When asked by reporters how the United States could spare more troops to attack France with the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan, Mr. Bush replied that traditional military forces would not be necessary for this attack. Apparently, 35 Boy Scout troops were called up for the invasion of France and have begun operations there already. When asked about international approval of the attack, Bush noted "we actually had too many allies offer help on this one. Heck, even most of our enemies, including France itself, offered to send troops to attack France." Mr. Bush estimates that the operation should be over by midnight tonight. He estimates no U.S. casualties. The biggest task after the invasion is over will be disposal of the millions of white flags used by the French during the attack. UN inspectors will be called in to secure these flags.
Presidential hopeful, John Kerry, was outraged by the attack. "France is my home country! This is an obvious political stunt to win the election!" Reporters asked Kerry if a 126 country coalition that included France passed his "Global Test" in this situation. Kerry replied "I was for a global test before I was against it. This clearly was the wrong war in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I would have fought a different war against France. A more sensitive war. One that involved cupcakes and hot chocolate. I defended this country as a young man, and I'll defend it again. This administration has...." Two hours later, Kerry stopped speaking and surrendered to Boy Scout Troop #208 from Peoria, Illinois.
The New York Times reported today that thanks to his own incompetence leading up to the election, John Kerry's spine is now missing. After Howard Dean's success using cowardice and surrender with the war on terror, the NYT gave the impression that Kerry didn't take appropriate steps to guard his own spine and that it now might be in the hands of terrorists who are emboldened by his limp-wristed view of American defense.
John Kerry was quick to respond to the report, calling the NYT "irresponsible" for rushing to print with the story before checking it's facts. He stated "The fact of the matter is that my spine went missing long before the Howard Dean rise in the polls. All they had to do was look at my record, but they're apparently too lazy to check facts. In fact, some would dispute that the spine was ever even there in the first place. Inspectors were vague about what they actually found when they searched for my spine before I declared my candidacy for president."
CBS's 60 Minutes had been planning to run the blockbuster story on the eve of the election but ran into problems when a recent internal investigation found Dan Rather had lost his mind, his integrity, his judgment, and his testicles. Rather than have the story questioned due to these events, CBS chose to feed the story to the NYT for publication.