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Bush Strikes Deal to Sell Blue States to Canada

OTTAWA, Canada --- President Bush made a trip to Canada today, and it was the first time a US President had been to Canada in over ten years.  While many thought Bush was there to discuss trade, it has now been announced that he is actually in Canada to negotiate a deal to sell blue states to the Canadians.

Instead of raising taxes to bridge the budget deficit, Bush has decided that selling the blue states to their bordering neighbor will balance the budget.  "It seems like a natural solution," said the President.  "The blue states are semi-socialist, pay high taxes, and hate America.  They're practically Canadians already."

Democrats Rally Behind Party

BOSTON, MA --- Democrats rallied behind their party this past weekend during the Harvard-Yale football game.  The Party faithful expressed their feelings about the recent turn of events that saw them continue to lose power in US politics.  John Kerry and Al Gore led the pep rally.

Democrats Ban 'God' from All Public Employee Language

WASHINGTON, DC ---  Inspired by an elementary school in California that banned all references to God when teaching history (e.g. the Declaration of Independence), Democrats introduced a bill that would prevent all public employees from using the word "God" in any conversations or writings.  The penalty for using such language would be termination of employment and possible imprisonment.

The measure would include all federal, state, county and local employees.  That would mean even the President would not be allowed to use the word "God" in his speaking or writing.  Senator Hillary Clinton was pleased with the bill.  "I think it's about time we removed God from government.  Separation of church and state!  You can't have God and government co-exist.  It's just not right."

A reporter pointed out to Senator Clinton that "separation of church and state" does not appear in the Constitution and that many early writings made it clear that our founders did want God in government but did not want the government in our churches.  Clinton responded, "That's the old interpretation of the Constitution.  I don't think you understand the harm that could be done to a child who hears the word "God" spoken from the mouth of a public employee.  Democrats are tired of pretending to go to church and believing in God to appeal to the red states.  If we can supress religion, we'll finally be on an even playing field."

Democrats Outraged Over Presidential Pardon

WASHINGTON, DC --- Democrats were quick to express outrage and attack President Bush after his controversial pardon for Biscuits the turkey.  The traditional turkey pardon for Thanksgiving turned ugly when leading Democrats accused Bush of favoritism and an irresponsible use of power in pardoning the bird.

"This is outrageous," claimed Dick Gephardt (D-MO).  "Biscuits is rumored to have contributed significantly to the Bush campaign and likely helped deliver the farm vote for Republicans in the recent election.  I've never seen such a brazen act of favoritism.  This sends the wrong message to the country and to the world."

Former president, Bill Clinton, was also upset with the selection.  "Biscuits is a prime example of the hypocrisy of Republicans.  They clobbered me for pardoning terrorists and people who obviously lobbied me with money and other support, like Marc Rich.  Looks like they can't claim the moral high ground any more."

To put the controversy to rest, President Bush took Biscuits out back, shot him, and will have him for Thanksgiving dinner at the White House.  PETA immediately filed a wrongful death suit in federal court.

Al Gore Heads to Ukraine in Hopes of Victory

KIEV, Ukraine --- Al Gore recruited 22 Democrat Florida vote counters from the 2000 election and boarded a plane for the Ukraine today.  With the election controversy brewing in the Ukraine, insiders say Gore saw an opening to swoop in and take the presidency.

Apparently, many Ukrainians wrote in "Gorbachev" for their vote in this election.  The popular former Soviet Premier still remains a hero to many in that region.  Reports show that Gore is hoping to argue that "Gorbachev" is close enough to "Gore" when recounting the votes.  His hanging chad experts plan to disqualify the majority of other votes for the opposition.

Dan Rather Retires to Canada

NEW YORK, New York --- Dan Rather, the embattled CBS newsanchor, announced his retirement today.  Distraught by the election win of George Bush, Rather will join other liberals and move to Canada.  "I can't even get up in the morning any more," said Rather.  "This is the deepest depression I've ever experienced.  I've had the privilege of meeting such great historical leaders as Saddam Hussein and Fidel Castro, and I just can't bear the thought of four more years under this Bush regime.  I'm lower than a snake belly after Thanksgiving dinner."

CBS has not yet announced Rather's replacement, but inside sources have leaked some of the leading contenders.  They include Michael Moore, Howard Dean, Al Gore, John Kerry, and even rumors of Fidel Castro.  "We have a reputation of having losers on the wrong side of history here at CBS," said Les Moonves, a CBS executive.  "We're confident our new anchor won't miss a beat after Dan's departure."

Hockey Considers Allowing Weapons

NEW YORK, New York --- The NHL, which has had a lockout to begin the season, is now considering the use of lethal weapons by players to compete with the brawl factor that has entered the NBA.  Clubs, brass knuckles, chains, crowbars, and metal pipes have been mentioned as possible weapons allowed during NHL fight sequences.

An unnamed NHL spokesman voiced concern that the league would lose its fight appeal now that the NBA has become more violent.  "We definitely have concerns that fans will start to tune out hockey in favor of fights between players who don't wear padding.  Adding a weapons element to our fights will definitely raise the bar a notch and keep us on top of the violence heap.  We probably won't involve the fans like the NBA does though.  We do have concerns about lawsuits, and we'll have to see if that has an impact on our audience."

Marijuana Blamed for NBA Fight

DETROIT, Michigan --- A major fight broke out during an NBA game in Detroit last weekend that also involved fans.  Several players were suspended, including one for the rest of the season.

Given the NBA's prolific use of marijuana, experts are now saying they believe the use of this drug caused the melee.  Mary Jane Greenfield, a drug consultant for the NBA said "It has long been assumed that the use of marijuana causes users to be calm and relaxed.  This is obviously not the case any longer.  We now believe its usage causes violent and irrational outbursts."

NBA officials are trying to determine what can be done about the abuse.  It is estimated that more than 60% of current NBA players use the drug.  The NBA tests for marijuana usage with its players, but the players have found ways to avoid detection.  An NBA official was concerned about the situation and had this to say.  "I think the violent consequences of marijuana use are disturbing.  Maybe we can convince these players that abusing cocaine or crystal meth would be a better alternative."

Karl Rove Injures Back Lifting "Hillary Files"

WASHINGTON, DC --- Karl Rove, known as the most powerful man in DC for the Republican Party and Bush's senior advisor, was rushed to the hospital for a serious back injury after lifting files weighing over 250 pounds. 

Reports have surfaced that Rove keeps secret files full of salacious and incriminating dirt on every Democrat who might run for President.  Hillary Clinton's recent activity suggests she is already putting the wheels in motion for a presidential run.  When Rove saw the signs, he apparently broke out his files on Senator Clinton to begin waging war against her.  The sheer volume of the dirt in Hillary's files apparently caused a serious back injury for Rove when trying to lift the files.  Insiders say they expect a full recovery within weeks.  Halliburton has donated a forklift to Mr. Rove for his future file lifting needs.

Clinton Homeless Scheme Uncovered

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas --- An evil plot was discovered prior to the opening of Bill Clinton's library that involved relocating homeless people from the area.  Further investigation shows that this is the method Clinton used during his administration to give the impression that the homeless situation had been getting better.  Secret homeless internment camps have been discovered all over the country in recent days.  While vacant now, the camps were apparently used to hide the homeless from view. 

Clinton denied the charges, but couldn't explain how the homeless population seemingly quadrupled according to the news media as soon as George Bush took office after the 2000 election.