Jerhad!com

USA Today Changes Name to Al Qaeda Today

MCLEAN, Virginia --- USA Today announced today that it is changing its name to Al Qaeda Today.  After founder, Al Neuharth, wrote an editorial calling for soldiers to be pulled from Iraq, the move was not a surprise to most industry insiders.

Neuharth claimed in the article that soldiers in WWII were "properly equipped", while military experts and novice history buffs know this is a rewrite of history.  His call for the pull-out of troops immediately emboldened terrorists worldwide into thinking Americans will never have the backbone to stand up to them.   The article was apparently the first step in creating a media stronghold for terrorists on American soil.

Insiders report that Bin Laden and al-Zarqawi will have regular editorials published in Al Qaeda Today, while many guest terrorists will contribute on a regular basis.  An Arabic language version will be published beginning in January.  The following changes will be made to the current newspaper sections:  News will now be Terrorist Information.  Travel will be replaced by Border Crossing Tips.  Money will be replaced by Terror Financing.  Sports will be replaced by Beheadings.  Life will be replaced by Death.  Tech will be replaced by Bomb Building.  Weather will remain unchanged.

Feinstein Wins Scholarship to Electoral Junior College

SAN FRANCISCO, California --- Senator Diane Feinstein was immediately given a scholarship to Electoral Junior College in Washington, DC, after saying "The Electoral College is an anachronism, and the time has come to bring our democracy into the 21st century."  Feinstein also proposed putting together a Constitutional amendment to rid the country of the dreaded Electoral College.

Unfortunately, DiFi was mistaken in not recognizing that the United States is a Republic, and not a Democracy.  "We feel it is important to enroll Ms. Feinstein in American History 101a immediately," said Fred Publius, Provost of Electoral Junior College.  "Class 101a is remedial and covers all of the basic information about our country that students might have forgotten from junior high."

Humans Cause Global Freezing

EVANSVILLE, Indiana --- With record cold temperatures and snowstorms across the country, environmenatlists quickly reversed course today and determined that greenhouse gases are causing global freezing, not global warming.

"This is a distressing sign," said Commie Greenstein, a noted environmentalist.  "The climate has gone from too warm to too cold in a matter of days.  I theorize it is being caused by all of the carbon dioxide emissions from shoppers driving to get holiday presents.  We must eliminate these emissions before causing another ice age."

Arnold Thinks GOP Too Strong, Recommends Adopting Democratic Strategy

SACRAMENTO, California --- The Governator recently told a German magazine that the GOP should "move further to the left" to gain more voters.  As it turns out, Arnold believes that the GOP is getting too strong and needs to adopt the failed strategy of being more liberal that the Democrats utilize so effectively.

"Da GOP is guickly becoming da one majuh pahty on a nationwide bazis," said the Governor.  "Dat is dangerous.  We muzt weaken da party for da sake of dese United States.  The Democratz proved dat moving to da left is evective in weakening your pahty.  We must do dis."

Experts estimate that by adopting a page from the failed Democrat playbook the GOP would lose control of the Senate and possibly the Presidency in 2008.  Arnold's only fear is that some of the larger blue states, like California, might tip and become GOP states.

Bush Fails to Sign Own Christmas Cards

WASHINGTON, DC --- After Donald Rumsfeld took heat for not personally signing all condolence letters to the families of fallen soldiers, the New York Times is now breaking a huge story about President Bush's failure to sign all of his own Christmas cards this year.

Democrats jumped on the opportunity to slam the President.  "This is inexcusable," said Senator Hillary Clinton.  "How can he fail to spend two seconds to sign a Christmas card?  It shows how out of touch he is with the American people and with the Christian community."  Some Democratic Senators are even calling for Bush's resignation, claiming he is mishandling the White House Christmas card mailing and an embarrassment to the country.

Stanford Bans Mascot Which Resembles Christmas Tree

STANFORD, California --- Stanford University announced today that they will change mascots yet again to comply with imaginary separation of church and state rules.  Stanford changed its mascot from a politically incorrect Indian to a tree several years ago, but many are now saying the tree resembles a "Christmas tree" and must be replaced.

"This is for the good of the country," said Nomore Christian, a university representative.  "We are being quite insensitive to all other religious faiths, satanists and athiests by displaying this disgusting symbol.  Chistmas trees belong in museums and in fairy tales, not on college campuses."

Stanford's new mascot will be the AfroNativeMexicanAsianEskimo Warrior Princess Lesbian symbolized by a gray square that will not be offensive to anyone, including the color blind.  Students and faculty at Stanford held a "cry-in" to celebrate the change.

San Francisco Strives for Crime Capital of the World

SAN FRANCISCO, California --- The San Francisco Board of Supervisors, tired of just being the Homeless Capital of the World, have adopted a new program that will allow the city to also become the Crime Capital of the World.

The Board, led by comrade Chris Daly, voted to put a measure on the November 2005 ballot to ban all handgun ownership in San Francisco.  "We wanted to be the leader in homelessness several years ago, so we gave out $400 each month in cash to drug users and criminals," said Daly.  "Upon hearing this, drug users flocked to our city by the thousands for the free handout.  It doesn't hurt that we don't prosecute the majority of crimes here either."

Daly sees a similar connection with the proposed gun ban.  "If handing out free cash to drug users made them flock from all over the country, then imagine how many criminals will flock here once they know that law abiding citizens can't own handguns," said Daly.  "This will be a free-for-all for rapists, murderers and other common thugs.  They can now live in peace and harmony in the most compassionate city on earth.  No longer will they be discriminated against.  They have a safe haven here.  Similar to Washington, DC, which also has a gun ban and always has one of the highest murder rates in the country.  God bless them."

Daly next plans to re-introduce his proposal to put an income limitation on all San Francisco residents and confiscate all extra monies for distribution to drug users.

Tootsie Makes Fun of Unemployed Jenna

WASHINGTON, DC --- Teresa Kerry pointed to Jenna Bush's unemployment situation today as further evidence that the Bush Administration had ruined the economy.  Experts believe she did so in anticipation of another losing presidential run for her husband in 2008.

"Want evidence that the economy has been destroyed by Bush?" said Kerry.  "Just look at his own daughter, Jenna.  She can't find a job either." 

Reporters then pointed out that Jenna recently accepted a teaching job and was in fact not unemployed.  "That's not a real job," said Kerry.  "She's just like her mother.  No real job.  Maybe she'll be a 'librarian' next and still have no job.  Tell her to marry a rich husband, wait for him to die, and spend all of his money as a full time project.  Then she'll have a real job."

Letter to Nancy Pelosi

Dear Nancy,

Thank you for your recent letter acknowledging my support for the impeachment of George Bush and the firing of Donald Rumsfeld.  Unfortunately, I never sent correspondence to you supporting either one of those ridiculous notions.  I wrote to you about offshoring legislation, so it's comforting to see that you actually care enough about the concerns of your constituents to ignore their correspondence.

I fully support your leadership of the Democratic Party, Nancy, as your misguided and irrational policies and attacks will guarantee a further erosion of the already dwindling power of the Democratic Party.  Please feel free to thank me in the future for my support of any other lunatic fringe projects I didn't support.

Sincerely,

Jeremy

Note: I really did receive a letter from Nancy Pelosi thanking me for supporting Bush's impeachment and Rumsfeld's firing.

Bush Admin Will Refer to Saddam as 'Scott Peterson'

REDWOOD CITY, California --- Officials within the Bush Administration will now begin referring to Saddam Hussein as "Scott Peterson" according to an unnamed insider.  The cheerleading by many liberals for Scott Peterson to pay for his crimes against his wife and unborn son led the administration to think possibly the anti-war left would be more open to the war against Saddam if they associated him with Scott Peterson instead.

"This is a brilliant move by the Administration," said the source.  "Saddam Hussein butchered thousands of women and children during his reign of terror, but liberals didn't seem to care.  Seeing how much liberals hated Peterson, who only killed one woman and one unborn child, the Administration saw an opening to make the association."

From now on, all official communications about Saddam will instead refer to Scott Peterson's name.  For example, a rumor about Saddam's recent hunger strike in prison is now being addressed by the Administration by saying "Scott Peterson is not on a hunger strike and is eating well.  He will face trial for his crimes against the Iraqi people.  Scott has thousands of victims and will answer for all of them in a court of law."

Confused by the incident, the French accidentally contacted the real Scott Peterson to offer more bribe money if he would reveal where rest of the French oil-for-food scandal documents were hidden.