MCLEAN, Virginia --- USA Today announced today that it is changing its name to Al Qaeda Today. After founder, Al Neuharth, wrote an editorial calling for soldiers to be pulled from Iraq, the move was not a surprise to most industry insiders.
Neuharth claimed in the article that soldiers in WWII were "properly equipped", while military experts and novice history buffs know this is a rewrite of history. His call for the pull-out of troops immediately emboldened terrorists worldwide into thinking Americans will never have the backbone to stand up to them. The article was apparently the first step in creating a media stronghold for terrorists on American soil.
Insiders report that Bin Laden and al-Zarqawi will have regular editorials published in Al Qaeda Today, while many guest terrorists will contribute on a regular basis. An Arabic language version will be published beginning in January. The following changes will be made to the current newspaper sections: News will now be Terrorist Information. Travel will be replaced by Border Crossing Tips. Money will be replaced by Terror Financing. Sports will be replaced by Beheadings. Life will be replaced by Death. Tech will be replaced by Bomb Building. Weather will remain unchanged.