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Hillary Collapses from Stress of Makeover

BUFFALO, New York --- Senator Hillary Clinton collapsed during a speech today, but she is said to be doing fine.  While her handlers said she was suffering from a stomach ailment, insiders say that Clinton's massive and hasty makeover caused her internal system to shut down.

"When you're biologically wired for socialism and try to change that overnight, things in your system are bound to react and shut down," said one insider.  "Suddenly becoming anti-immigration, pro-Christian, and pro-life when your core is the exact opposite is enough to put even the biggest horse down for the count.  This might derail the makeover train and force her to slow down with the makeover.  She was planning to announce that she was joining the NRA at her speech today, and I think that threw her system into complete shock."

George Bush Projected Winner in Iraq

BAGHDAD, Iraq --- The polls are closed, and the counting has begun after an unbelievably successful election in Iraq.  Initial exit polls show that George Bush has a strong lead over opponents for the leadership role in Iraq.  While not officially on the ballot, Bush appears to be a very popular write-in candidate.

"He is the reason we are able to vote today, so I cast my ballot for him," said one excited Iraqi man.  "This was a vote against John Kerry and the liberals who hate America and Iraq more than it was a vote for George Bush," said another Iraqi woman exiting the polls.

President Bush said in a statement that he does not think it is appropriate for him to lead both countries and would not accept the position if elected.  In response to the news of Bush's projected win, Barbara Boxer cried.  Ted Kennedy called the election a sham and a failure before passing out in a gutter.  Hillary Clinton asked for a 50% increase in the defense budget and called for an invasion of Iran.  And John Kerry insisted that everyone stop over-hyping freedom and democracy, the fall of the Berlin wall, and the liberation of Afghanistan.

A Great Day!

BAGHDAD, Iraq --- Iraqis voted today for the first time in over a half century, and the turnout was higher than expected.  While John Kerry made sure the world didn't think this was a big deal, don't be fooled.  This is a great day for freedom and democracy.

Buster Canceled Over Same-Sex Marriage

WASHINGTON, DC --- A children's show episode on PBS was canceled after complaints from the Department of Education, who is funding the show, because Buster runs into a married lesbian couple on his trip to Vermont.  To the shock of the liberal media, many parents thought it might be inappropriate to expose young children to such things on a PBS educational program.

"I don't really understand all of the fuss," said a PBS executive.  "We took the show off the air, but it's not a big deal.  Unfortunately, we're going to have to re-think some of our future episodes now as well.  Buster will meet a polygamist family in Utah in one of our stories.  Then he meets an unmarried couple in New Jersey living with four children, all by different fathers.  And of course there's the episode where he goes to Florida to meet some friends who have a mommy that used to be their daddy.  We've got a lot of re-writing to do I'm afraid."

New Face of The DNC?

WASHINGTON, DC --- Now that Howard Dean has been endorsed by Clinton insider, Harold Ickes, it appears he has an excellent chance of winning the leadership position of the DNC.  GOP leaders were puzzled but thrilled by the news.

"We had concerns that the Democrats might try and run a more moderate platform this next election cycle," said GOP strategist, Karl Rove.  "But then they unleashed Barbara Boxer and her crying, Ted Kennedy and his bizarre socialist anti-American rhetoric, Hillary Clinton and her wacky make-over, and now the mentally ill Howard Dean will probably lead the DNC.  We've already begun planning the 2008 inauguration."

Click below to hear Howard Dean's reaction to this news:

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Terrorists: Kennedy "Gets Us"

BAGHDAD, Iraq --- A day after Ted Kennedy called for surrender and the withdrawal of troops from Iraq, terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi praised Kennedy as a hero and tearfully claimed Kennedy is the only one who "gets us."

"Finally, someone who understands us and our cause," said Zarqawi.  "He gets us.  He understands that American troops must leave Iraq in order for us to destroy democracy and create a terrorist state.  He knows that America must not protect its borders or profile Muslims to keep out terrorists and prevent massive terror attacks.  I knew Kennedy was a wise man.  For his assistance, we plan to try and kill him last when our jihad claims the lives of all American infidels."

San Francisco Bans Sean Penn

SAN FRANCISCO, California --- The San Francisco Bored of Supervisors voted today to ban outdoor smoking in the smelly, urine-stained, filthy city.  An unforeseen repercussion of this new law, which will cost $800,000 to implement, is that Sean Penn will no longer be allowed into San Francisco.

"We absolutely love Mr. Penn's Communist ideology," said Supervisor Chris Daly.  "Unfortunately, he smokes about 17 packs per day and actually emanates smoke from the pores in his skin all day long.  He would be in constant violation of our new law and will not be allowed within city limits even if he doesn't have a lit cigarette."

The new law does allow for smoking marijuana and crack outdoors.  It does not apply to homeless people.  Mr. Penn was on a terrorist mission in Iraq prior to this weekend's elections and could not be reached for comment.

Revisionist History: Only Republicans Are Murderers

SAN FRANCISCO, California --- In a shocking development that most likely happened only because an editor was high on mushrooms prior to newspaper publication, an opinion article touting a resurgence in conservatives and Republicans in San Francisco was somehow printed in the San Francisco Chronicle, the official paper of the Communist Party.

The flattering piece seems just wonderful until one looks more closely.  The author notes that Dan White, a Republican, murdered Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk in the 70's.  The only problem is that Dan White was actually a Democrat.

Several San Francisco Republicans are expected to faint this week while holding their breath for the Chronicle to correct this "minor" mistake.  Rumor has it the paper is planning to do a series of stories starting next week on how Democrat Abe Lincoln abolished slavery, Republican Jimmy Carter accomplished nothing in four years, and the rising popularity of new Democratic Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Fast Food Only for Adults

NEW YORK, New York --- An appeals court ruled that fat teenagers may proceed with their lawsuit against McDonald's for misleading them into thinking that greasy fast food would not make them fat.  Trial lawyers and the anti-everything crowd cheered the decision as important for protecting our youth from harmful agents promoted by greedy corporate monsters who want to fatten and kill our children.

"We need to ban the harmful stuff and legalize the harmless substances like marijuana," said Ima Cornwallis of the Women's Health Alert Taskforce (WHAT).  "Our children are being fattened up and killed by these conglomerate death brokers.  We've almost banned cigarettes, and now we're on our way to putting fast food companies out of business.  Car and oil companies are next on our list for spewing pollution that causes cancer.  Then boat manufacturers and surfboard companies for not clearly warning people they could drown while on the water."

Fast food restaurants will now require customers to be at least 21 years of age and present valid identification.  Adults purchasing fast food for minors will be subject to arrest and felony charges.  Snack food companies are attempting to avoid similar lawsuits by making the same purchase requirements as there are for alcohol. 

Barbara Boxer and Hillary Clinton will introduce a bill in the Senate next week calling for the ban of all television advertising that does not promote products considered bio-healthy, global friendly, natural, non-toxic, fat-free, sugar-free, carb-free, vegetarian-approved, tested without the use of animals, gay-compatible, and feminist-tested.

Hitler Compares Fox's Popularity to Hitler

ATLANTA, Georgia --- Ted Turner, whose belief in socialism and strong governmental control over the lives of citizens closely mirrors the beliefs of Adolf Hitler, compared Fox News's popularity to Hitler in a speech today.

Americans who still believe in the values of the Founding Fathers, including individual liberty and a small central government, speculate that Turner is beginning to spread propaganda in order to mask his true intention of taking over the country and installing his own fascist regime.

"This is an interesting strategy," said a leader at the CATO Institute, a libertarian think-tank.  "If Turner can convince the public that people who believe in personal freedom and less government are really like Hitler, then his strategy of socialism and government regulation of ever portion of our lives under his personal direction will seem like the exact opposite of what Hitler really is all about.  Unfortunately for him, Americans aren't that dumb.  Well, at least red state Americans aren't."

After making his statements, Turner's Communist News Network (CNN) lost another two million viewers to Fox News.  The remaining 37 viewers live in San Francisco and Canada.