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UPDATE: Hillary Makeover Gaining Steam

ALBANY, New York --- The Hillary Clinton Makeover, reported here first last week, has accelerated to lightspeed and may soon spin out of control.  In a shocking revelation, Senator Clinton revealed in a speech to pro-abortion activists that there is "middle ground" with pro-life advocates.

"She really needs to be careful," said an unnamed Democrat strategist.  "She's changing her positions almost 180-degrees on an almost daily basis.  She has four years to go, and this might be too much too fast.  She's bound to have an emotional breakdown if she keeps this charade up for four more years.  And I think she's underestimating the intelligence of the red state electorate.  They all know she's a leftist Commie pro-death illegal immigration supporter who favors a bankrupt-but-free health care system.  Most people think she's contracted some form of mental illness."

Republicans were pleased with the apparent makeover.  "This is a dream for us," said Karl Rove.  "2008 could be the easiest election in history for us.  Even McCain might have a chance to win.  You think we had evidence of Kerry as a flip-flopper?  We need to start running ads against Hillary Makeover Clinton next week to fit all of the footage in by the 2008 election."

Boxer Unfairly Attacked After Calling Condi a Liar

WASHINGTON, DC --- Senator Barbara "Bawling" Boxer has apparently decided that posing as a sniveling, crying victim might get her political capital that she needs to achieve her socialist agenda.  A week after calling Condoleeza Rice a liar during confirmation hearings, Boxer complained on CNN's Late Edition that she was unfairly "attacked" by Rice.  She went further in saying that Rice had ample opportunity to answer her questions but instead chose to attack Boxer for supposedly impugning her integrity.

"This is just so typical of the Bush administration," said a sobbing Boxer.  "I call the next Secretary of State a liar to her face without any supporting evidence, and she has the nerve to attack me.  I'm just a poor, helpless senator.  It upsets me when people defend themselves in a professional manner after I am a nasty old wretch to them.  That's just my job.  And she hurt my feelings by defending herself.  I am seriously considering filing an emotional abuse lawsuit against Rice in our liberal California courts.  I need to teach that lying liar a lesson."

Santa Claus to Present New Global Warming Report

LONDON, England --- It was announced today that scientists are going to release a shocking new report on the impending disaster of global warming.  Apparently, we are in a countdown to catastrophe based on the climate changes caused by global warming.  If the temperature changes by a little over 1-degree Celsius, we will pass the point of no return and be doomed according to the report.  No mention was made of a scientist who quit the team in protest over the study due to its "political" agenda.

Santa Claus, the chief scientist for this groundbreaking report, made a brief appearance at a press conference.  He was joined by the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, who also contributed to the report.  "This report is proof that the world will be destroyed within a decade," said Santa.  "We're going to pass the point of no return soon unless we radically change the way we use energy.  If we don't destroy the world economy and restrain third world countries to the point where most of their population would probably die from starvation, the entire world might come to an end.  Or else we might disrupt bird and whale migration patterns, making it confusing and inconvenient for them.  Regardless, it's worth the cost."

A third-grader asked Santa if he could explain why the earth had been warmer at many times over the past several thousand years, before the industrial revolution, yet no disaster or doomsday scenario happened during those times.  Santa fell silent for several moments and told the boy that Wonder Woman had the answer to his question but was unavailable.  He also told the boy that he would never get another present for Christmas.

Scientists Find Proof That George Bush Might Be 250 Million Years Old

SEATTLE, Washington --- Scientist uncovered evidence today that George W. Bush might actually be 250 million years old.  New studies show that dinosaurs were likely driven to extinction 250 million years ago by global warming, and not an asteroid collision with the earth.

"This is huge," said Lars Mentalson of the University of Washington.  "It is obvious that global warming killed the dinosaurs now.  That obviously shows that George W. Bush was causing havoc on our planet 250 million years ago.  One can only imagine him driving around in a monster SUV, hunting defenseless dinosaurs with his guns, and declaring war on the peaceful brontosaurus living in what is now the Middle East."

"He commited genocide against the dinosaurs," cried Dan Rather.  "This could be the biggest news story of our century.  I am currently working on a major story to blow this puppy out of the water for 60 Minutes.  We even have someone who may have documents with Bush's signature on them that are at least 250 million years old.  Clear proof that this president is to blame."

Liberals Find Proof That Bush Is Satan

WASHINGTON, DC --- Bush haters around the world believe they finally have proof that President Bush is actually Satan.  Bush made a "satanic gesture" while greeting fans during his inauguration yesterday.  The White House, however, claims the sign was for 'Hook 'em Horns', a tradition for University of Texas graduates and students.

"They can try and explain it away all they want," said Commie Redman, a protester at the inauguration.  "This is definitive proof that George Bush is actually Satan and giving signs to his Satanic Republican followers."

Unfortunately for Democrats, many liberals prefer Satanism to Christianity.  Experts predict as many as 20% of registered Democrats could switch to the GOP due to this revelation.

42 Less Than 40 in New Democrat Math

WASHINGTON, DC --- Democrats announced a new math system for America today.  The new system was proposed after Democrats viciously attacked the cost of Bush's inauguration, not realizing that it was less than Clinton's second inauguration.  $42 million for Clinton compared to $40 million for Bush.

"This is simple," said Senator Hillary Clinton.  "Our calculations show that 42 is actually far less than 40.  I think only idiots in the red states will have a problem understanding this complex calculation.  Everyone knows that Republican costs are always higher than Democrat costs, regardless of the number."

Extreme Makeover: Hillary Clinton

NEW YORK, New York --- After some very suspicious recent activity by Senator Hillary Clinton, it was discovered today that the senator is secretly filming a new reality show - Extreme Makeover: Hillary Clinton.

Clinton made a speech today in which she supported faith-based initiatives, claimed to pray all the time, and invoked "God" at least a half-dozen times.  And then there was the bizarre stance she took against illegal immigration a few weeks ago.  With the release of the reality show information, this 180-degree change makes sense.

"This is about remaking the Senator to win the 2008 Presidential election," said an unnamed producer of the show.  "She realizes that most of the country disagrees with just about every position she personally believes.  If we can help change her into the exact opposite of what she really is, then she'll have a shot at the big office.  After that she can go back to being herself and turn America into a true socialist nation of high taxes and low morals.  This is really a big challenge for her though.  It's a race against a mental breakdown, because this stuff is really in complete opposition to her personal beliefs.  She is being closely monitored by a mental health professional to make sure she doesn't 'pop'."

Inside sources claim that Hillary will soon buy a handgun, speak out against infidelity, curb affirmative action, attend a NASCAR event, smoke a cigar in public, and vote in favor of Bush's same-sex marriage constitutional amendment. 

Boxer Trying Out for Witch Role in New Oz Movie

WASHINGTON, DC --- After a nasty, barbed, repulsive, embarrassing, and dishonest grilling of Condi Rice during hearings this week, Barbara Boxer announced she is seeking the role of The Wicked Witch of the West in an upcoming remake of The Wizard of Oz. 

"I think I nailed it," said a tearful Boxer.  "No one is more qualified for that part than me.  No one.  After my performance today, the casting people would be foolish not to select me.  I need to mind my tears though, or I might begin to melt.  That's hard for me to do.  As you know, I'm a crier."

Euroweenies Have Airplane Envy

TOULOUSE, France --- Leaders of socialist countries throughout Europe gloated today as they unveiled a new monster jet developed by Airbus.  The plane will sport such sought-after luxury items as beds, casinos, and gyms.  Experts predict that socialist European countries will be forced to subsidize passenger tickets to fly on the luxury-liners.  Airbus is counting on rich Americans to pay full fare for tickets to compensate for the discounts, since they are far more wealthy based on their free market economic system.

French President, Jaques Chirac, was pleased with the unveiling.  "We cannot defend ourselves like the United States.  We have a socialist tax system that prevents economic growth like the United States, and that requires us to sell weapons to terrorists and rogue nations to make any money.  We have not yet discovered deodorant.  But our plane is bigger than theirs.  Ha!  We win!  We are the best!  Take that!  No more weak surrender monkey comments from you!  No more...."  Chirac broke into tears and was escorted from the podium.  Senator Barbara Boxer called to console him.

Euroweenie leaders did not mention that Boeing's revenues are almost double those of Airbus. 

Journalist Tips Off Iran On Attack

WASHINGTON, DC --- Journalist Seymour Hersh revealed that the United States has secretly been gathering information in Iran for an imminent attack.  He did not reveal the time and locations of the attack in his article, but Hersh admitted that information was passed along privately to Iran's current leadership.

"Our enemies need to have specific information about when and where we will attack them," said Hersh.  "It is critical that they not have a surprise attack giving the United States an advantage.  I am more concerned about terrorists and the world knowing about plans to disarm nuclear enemies than I am concerned about the safety of our troops.  These stories must be printed if journalists know about them.  It's about getting the scoop, not good judgment."

Satellite images show that Iran has already begun moving its nuclear facilities to other locations, requiring the United States to nuke the entire country rather than perform strategic missile attacks.