NEW DELHI, India --- Hillary Clinton shocked audiences twice in India today. First, she apparently continued the Makeover Express by announcing that she supports outsourcing US jobs to India, a major break from the Democrat agenda. Then she threw the knockout punch by announcing her Makeover/Presidential campaign would also be outsourced to India.
"It makes a great deal of sense for us," said the senator. "I can save millions of dollars on the cost of my campaign that can be put to better use. Now I can outsource the day-to-day stuff and afford to put all of my friends on the payroll for lucrative campaign positions. If this works out as anticipated, I might even outsource my husband to India before the 2008 elections. My staff have already begun looking for prospects in India."
Republicans showed confusion over the most recent announcement. "This has really caused a lot of problems," said one GOP leader. "Hillary was accidentally put on an invitation list to an upcoming Lincoln Day Dinner by someone who thought she was a Republican. One of our New York Republican leaders even asked me who I thought the Democrats were going to run against Hillary in the 2006 New York senate election. We're just scrambling to keep up over here."
WASHINGTON, DC --- New DNC leader, Howard Dean, announced today that the party has hired Jane Goodall, the world-famous chimpanzee researcher, to come back from the jungles and research Red Staters for the Democratic Party. After years of being baffled by who these people are, the Democrats decided to hire an expert to research the strange creatures.
"I think this will ensure we know how to create propaganda for these Red Staters," said Dean. "No one in our party has ever studied them. Who are they? What do they think? Where do they go? What makes them tick? We're completely clueless on the topic, and Dr. Goodall should be able to spend the next three years shedding light on the topic for us. It's critical for our political future. Critical! AaaaaayyyyyyaaaaahhhhhhhHHHHH!!!!"
Dr. Goodall is looking forward to the project. "This is a unique opportunity for me to put my skills to work in a different area," said Goodall. "I understand from what little I know of these creatures that many of them go to a place known as a church on a weekly basis. That's fascinating. They also help one another instead of relying upon an outside government to do it for them. And I understand that many of the female Red Staters actually stay home with their young offspring while the male goes off to support the family structure. And it's an odd family structure at that. One male. One female. Very rarely is there a diversion from that. I've even heard rumors that these creatures use guns for protection and to hunt for food instead of using them for criminal activity. And they love some strange place called 'America' I think. I'll only know what is true once I immerse myself into their community."
Dr. Goodall plans to spend several months observing from a distance, gaining the trust of Red Staters. Her hope is to eventually be accepted as one of them in order to more fully understand their way of life. Democrats have high hopes that this research will finally allow them to understand Red Staters so that Hillary Clinton can complete her makeover in time for the election.
WASHINGTON, DC --- After the Washington Post ran a story yesterday about the "sexy" and "powerful" outfit worn by Condoleeza Rice, Dick Cheney was seen shopping in some upper-crust boutique fashion stores in Manhattan for some stiletto-heeled black boots. Cheney was harshly criticized for his wardrobe during a recent visit to Auschwitz.
"The Vice President was shocked by the positive coverage received by Condi for her boots and black trench coat," said a Cheney spokesman. "The media really seem to judge politicians these days by what they wear rather than what they say or do, and God knows Mr. Cheney could use all the help he could get to gain popularity with the media."
The Vice President is hopeful that this change of wardrobe will go a long way to endear him to journalists here and abroad. He is undecided on whether to start wearing short skirts or a more modest pantsuit. "He ain't got legs like Condoleeza," added the spokesman. "We don't want to frighten anyone." The spokesman did deny a rumor that the White House had engaged Queer Eye for the Straight Guy to assist the Vice President.
WASHINGTON, DC --- Sandy Berger, the former National Security Adviser who was caught smuggling top secret documents in his underwear and socks from a secure facility, was recently sent on a secret mission to Iran to determine how far along they are in nuclear development.
"Sandy was ready to serve his country again," said a White House spokesman. "He has a talent for smuggling top secret information out of secure areas. He had already used this talent to steal US government documents, and now he's put his talents to good use and helped us determine what Iran has been up to."
According to sources, Mr. Berger was able to smuggle over 12,000 pages of top secret Iranian nuclear documents out of the country after his secret meeting with Iranian nuclear officials. When asked where Mr. Berger hid the documents this time, the source stated "all I can reveal is that it wasn't in his socks or underpants this time." North Korea immediately issued a travel ban on Berger to safeguard their own nuclear secrets.
PARIS, France --- Just a day after news broke that the Pope's new book called same-sex marriage part of an "ideology of evil", German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder and French President Jacques Chirac announced they are engaged to be married. While the news shocked many Germans, it came as no surprise to most of the French.
The two men formed a budding relationship that started when they teamed up to thwart President Bush's attempt to rid the world of Saddam Hussein. It eventually blossomed into true love, and both men decided it was time to become life partners.
"This was certainly unexpected," said President Chirac. "I never imagined I could fall in love with a German. Being French, I will of course be the submissive one in the relationship. This could be the dawn of a new era for unity in the European nations. President Bush, an anti-gay marriage advocate, has only himself to blame for this outcome. Thank you, George!"
President Bush, upon hearing the comments from Chirac, is reportedly fuming over the situation. It is rumored that he is planning the ultimate insult and will send a case of deodorant to the happy couple as a wedding gift.
SAVANNAH, Georgia --- After a liberal hoaxer showed up at the house of a soldier in Iraq to deliver a fake death notice, the military has decided enough is enough. This followed a string of fake phone calls by liberal anti-war protesters making fake death announcements to military families around the elections in November. We have learned that the Marines have launched Operation Desert Draft, which involves showing up at the houses of liberal war protesters to inform them they have been drafted to fight in Iraq.
Due to the secret nature of this operation, Marine spokespersons would neither confirm nor deny the operation. The ruse apparently involves Marines showing up at a liberal's home or workplace with an official looking paper stating they have been drafted. Draftees are allowed to change their diapers and then are shipped directly to Canada.
One shaken liberal has already begun speaking out about the operation though. "I've never been so scared in my life," said Richard Odlid of San Francisco. "I went through three diapers during the trip. This is a cruel hoax. I eventually began to get a little bit excited though when I thought I might be able to sneak away and join the terrorists once arriving in Iraq. I could have taught them some of my latest protest moves and shared in their hatred of America. But at least I'm among others who hate America as much as me here in Canada."
TEHRAN, Iran --- World leaders were outraged today after determining that President Bush caused a massive earthquake in Iran, killing hundreds. The usual suspects joined together in denouncing the attack as illegal, unsanctioned by the UN, and all about oil.
"We will not stand for Bush and his aggressions against Arab countries," said a French spokesman. "It is no coincidence that this earthquake happened when Bush is pounding the war drums over Iran and flying secret unmanned missions. He produces global warming here and on Mars, and now he causes earthquakes that devastate his enemies. Will this man stop at nothing?"
Leaders from most of Europe and all of the Middle East accused the president of creating genocide. Democrats in the US were even suspicious of the president's involvement. "We suspect he's been experimenting with tornadoes and those big hurricanes right here at home," said one Democrat leader. "I'm outraged that he would use earthquakes to attack Iran without even getting congressional approval. "
BAGHDAD, Iraq --- Hillary Clinton continued her makeover tour in Iraq after a brief rest. The senator spoke of keeping troops long enough to get the job done and not setting a deadline for withdrawal. Even Senator McCain said she would make a good president.
"Normally she would be treated as an enemy combatant arriving here," said a military security officer in Baghdad. "But she actually had positive things to say about us and seemed like a completely different person. We're all a little confused. At first we thought she was here to visit Saddam Hussein in prison to give him some support."
Leftists were concerned by the latest shift. "This is troubling," said Commie Greenstein, a liberal in New York. "I understand she has to go through a makeover to get elected, but I just hope we can bring her back once she wins. I hope she knows what she's doing."
PARIS, France --- French President Jacques Chirac turned down a request to add the terrorist organization, Hezbollah, to the European Union terrorist organization list. Hezbollah expressed outrage over the slight by Chirac.
"This is an outrage," said an unnamed Hezbollah leader. "Being on the EU terror list makes you a preferred trading partner. This will cost our organization millions of dollars each year, and we are furious with the French. How many innocent women and children do we have to kill to get on the list? How much do we have to hate the Jews to get on that precious list? I thought that the death of the Baathist regime in Iraq would open up a new trading partner spot on the terror list for us."
Experts speculate that the move might actually be caused by Condi Rice's new efforts to have better relations with France. Insiders believe she has been negotiating with the French to have the United States put on the terrorist list in order to better relations between the two countries. Thus, Hezbollah is not a priority until the United States negotiations are completed.