KALAMAZOO, Michigan --- In a frightening development, liberals upset with conservative values have been frustrated to the point that they are resorting to cannibalism. A student at Western Michigan University threw salad dressing on Pat Buchanan during a speech at the university. Initially thought to be a harmless prank, officials there have determined that the unnamed student intended to eat the conservative pundit and was using the salad dressing for flavor.
"This is a disturbing development," said a police official. "The confused young man is a vegetarian and thought he could stomach the taste of Buchanan's meat by using his favorite salad dressing. He was so upset over the rising conservative tide that he was helpless to stop, that cannibalism was his last resort to stop conservatives. We already know that Bill Kristol was hit with a pie this week, and the FBI has uncovered plans of another non-vegetarian student to douse Ann Coulter with barbecue sauce prior to eating her. Like I said, it's disturbing."
Police officials are recommending that conservative pundits and politicians wear a hammer and sickle lapel pin to help thwart the cannibal attacks. The liberals planning these attacks are apparently reluctant to eat their own Communist brethren and may become confused upon seeing the symbol.