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Democrats Create Strategy Database to Fight Bush

WASHINGTON, DC --- Democrats announced today that they have finally completed a secure online database that will allow Democratic senators and congressmen to access information about the positions they should take on domestic and foreign issues.  Nicknamed "NotBush", the database is being heralded as a key weapon in organizing Democrats to be a more cohesive and united group.

The database will be maintained by MoveOn.org and will be easy to update.  All positions recorded will simply be the exact opposite of President Bush's positions on any topic.  No details will be given on why a particular position is taken, and the database is only meant to track the huge volume of positions staked out by the GOP that the Democrats will need to counter with the exact opposite position.

Howard Dean was thrilled with the launch.  "This is an amazing tool," said Dean.  "It allows us to be a cohesive group and track all positions of the president.  He's in favor of private Social Security accounts?  Then we're against it.  He wants multilateral talks with North Korea?  Then we want unilateral talks.  He wants an energy policy for this country?  Then we don't want one.  He supports our troops overseas?  Then we support terrorists overseas.  No one will ever again doubt where Democrats stand on anything."

The NotBush system is so sophisticated that it automatically determines the positions for Democrats.  An administrator simply enters the position taken by President Bush on a particular topic, and the database automatically spits out the opposite position for the Democrat stand on the same topic.  While virtually all Democrats hailed the database as a major success, Hillary Clinton expressed concern that the system would conflict with her current makeover process.

Houston Bans French from All Libraries

HOUSTON, Texas --- Civil rights groups and the French government were outraged today after the Houston City Council voted to pass a law banning offensive odors in all public libraries.  French President, Jacques Chirac, threatened to boycott all products exported from Texas unless the law was changed.

"This is all a big misunderstanding," said one City Council representative.  "I thought the people who were the target of the complaints about bad odor were homeless.  I had no idea they were just French.  This wasn't meant as a slight against the French."  Another Houston resident wasn't as understanding.  "Hey, if you stink, I don't want you funkifying the public library where my children read books," she said.  "Deodorant is not a four-letter word, Frenchy."

Houston libraries will begin checking passports as early as next week and deny entry to people holding French passports or to citizens of French Canadian provinces.  France is considering adopting a "deodorant-free zone" in its own libraries to discriminate against all non-French citizens as retaliation for the perceived insult.

Democrats Identify Dr. James Dobson as Antichrist, Prepare for Battle

  DENVER, Colorado --- Democrat Senator Ken Salazar identified Dr. James Dobson as the Antichrist today.  After months of research, detailed investigations, study of ancient biblical prophesies, and "a strong gut feeling", Democrats are now prepared to stake their claim that the former pediatrician who writes books and broadcasts radio programs advocating strong family values, the protection of children, and strong religious values, is actually the Antichrist.

"I am very confident of this, and we should start preparing for battle against the son of Satan," said Salazar.  "We don't have any Christians in the Democratic Party, so I am calling upon Republican Christians to do battle with this evil being.  I am very concerned about the future of the world now that we know the Antichrist is here.  I am focusing every spare moment I have to figure out how to become a Christian to stop the Antichrist."

Senate Democrats have been spotted around Washington, DC, searching for Bibles and trying to determine how to become Christians in order to fight Dr. Dobson and save the world from Armageddon.  Ted Kennedy gave up drinking hard alcohol for 23 minutes to show he is serious about finding religion.  Instead he only drank beer and wine.  Dr. James Dobson was visiting cancer patients at a children's hospital and was unavailable for comment. 

Music Industry Sues Zarqawi After Illegal Music Found on Laptop

BAGHDAD, Iraq --- The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) announced today that it has filed a lawsuit against terrorist al Zarqawi after soldiers captured his laptop and found pirated music on the hard drive.  Most of the music was Muslim Rap with songs like Up Your Jihad, Put a Cap In Yo Burqa, and Get Yo Fatwa Out My Face.

"This is a high profile case that will show we are serious about music piracy," said an RIAA spokesman.  "The music industry doesn't support the war on terror, but we'll be damned if we're going to sit by and let someone steal money from our pockets.  Even freedom fighters in Iraq.  As we speak, Lars Ulrich of Metallica is on a plane to Iraq armed to the teeth and ready to hunt down al Zarqawi for prosecution."

The ACLU is offering to defend Zarqawi at no charge.  Other items discovered on Zarqawi's laptop included goat pornography, a love letter to Ted Kennedy, and "Hillary for President" banners to be posted on his terrorist website in the future.  The laptop was purchased with proceeds from the oil-for-food program and is still under warranty.

San Francisco Board of Supervisors Sues Turin for Copyright Infringement

TURIN, Italy --- The San Francisco Board of Supervisors was outraged today upon hearing the news that Turin, Italy, passed a law that fined dog owners $650 for not walking their dog three times per day.  Turin also passed laws forbidding owners from making their dogs look like "fluffy toys".

The result was the city of San Francisco filing a copyright infringement suit against the city of Turin.  "We came up with this idea first!" cried Supervisor Chris Daly.  "We have many more laws like this just waiting to be passed.  Turin stole our ideas and packaged them as their own.  We won't stand still for it.  They're going to pay.  Big time."

The San Francisco Board of Supervisors plans to accelerate passing their other dog laws as a preemptive strike against cities like Turin.  Dog "guardians" will not be allowed to hurt the feelings of dogs or they will face imprisonment.  Dogs will now be allowed to vote and run for elective office in San Francisco.  Along with the homeless benefits that San Francisco dogs currently receive, dogs in San Francisco will also fall under rent control laws, have access to all social services, be allowed to form their own labor union.

Hasbro Releases French GI Jacques Doll

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island --- Hasbro announced today that it is releasing a new French GI Jacques doll into toy stores beginning in May.  The new doll, marketed at Europeans, Canadians, and 6-year-old girls, is considered the most realistic action figure in the GI Joe/Jacques collection.

GI Jacques comes standard with a white flag of surrender.  While the doll is not built for strength, it is designed to run very fast to retreat from other GI Joes or Barbie dolls that a child might have in his or her toy bin already.  Many liberals are also quite happy that GI Jacques does not come with a gun.  Instead he holds his white flag in one hand and his testicles in the other.  An advanced motion detector senses movement within 10 feet of the doll and causes his hands to raise in surrender automatically.  A special refillable internal tank allows GI Jacques to be filled with water to produce realistic tears and to wet himself.

The only concern for parents is the special warning on the packaging for GI Jacques.  This toy will melt if exposed to soap, deodorant or any common cleanser.  However, this warning is not printed on toys sold in France due to the absence of those kinds of products in that country.

Media Stunned Over Election of Catholic for Pope

NEW YORK, New York --- Media outlets around the globe panicked after learning that a Catholic had been elected as the new pope.  Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, now Pope Benedict XVI, has been described by the world media as a "hardline conservative" who believes in all major aspects of Catholic faith and doctrine. 

"I can't believe the Catholic Church would do this," said an insider at CNN.  "This guy doesn't believe in abortion, contraception, same-sex marriage, or female priests.  I was really anticipating that the Catholic Church was ready to elect a pope that was not a true Catholic.  Someone far more flexible on these issues.  You know.  Like a Unitarian Church leader."

It seemed unusual that the media portrayed John Paul II as a compassionate and warm leader, while Benedict the XVI is described as a radical hardline conservative even though the two hold almost identical beliefs about the Church.  A New York Times executive explained.  "We all described John Paul II as a right-wing zealot when he was first elected in an attempt to promote hatred of Catholics and religion," said the executive.  "Once he actually started to perform compassionate deeds and change the world for the better, we had to back off.  Now we have an opportunity to slam this new pope as a hardline conservative.  Most of our readers are too dumb to know that hardline conservative is just code for a devout Catholic.  I'm still disappointed that our early smear tactics couldn't sway the Cardinals to select someone like John Kerry, Ted Kennedy or Bill Clinton, three non-Catholics who would change the Church doctrine for the better.  This is off the record, right?"

White House Hires PR Firm to Spread News of Bush Presidency

SAN FRANCISCO, California --- The White House announced today that it has hired a top PR firm to spread the news of Bush's presidential election to San Francisco and possibly other Communist cities in the US.  Republicans who recently visited the city noticed that greater than 50% of the cars still have Kerry/Edwards bumper stickers.  Alarmed that residents are unaware of Bush's election, the White House is now taking action.

"It's a great concern that these individuals might be unaware of Bush's election," said a White House spokesman.  "It's been several months since the election ended, and these people seem to be wandering around still supporting the candidates that lost.  It's our duty to inform them of the results of this election so that they can remove their bumper stickers and go about their lives."

The White House expressed that their only concern was the possibility of a Kerry/Edwards ticket again in 2008.  After selecting Howard Dean to lead the DNC, it appears quite possible that the Democrats will continue running losing candidates in the future and not get the message from voters.

New Food Pyramids Include Kennedy Pyramid

WASHINGTON, DC --- The government announced today that it is discarding the one-size-fits-all food pyramids of the past.  The new chart will instead have 12 pyramids based on different individual needs.  The most shocking of the 12 pyramids though was the "Kennedy Pyramid" for drunks.

The Kennedy Pyramid was broken into the food groups Beer, Whiskey, Gin, Rum, Tequila, Scotch, Vodka, and dessert.  The guidelines show that while having little or no nutritional value, this diet will allow individuals to survive in a semi-comatose state indefinitely.

Cardinals Look to International Courts for Help Electing New Pope

  THE VATICAN --- In an unprecedented move today, Cardinals at The Vatican left the conclave this morning to seek help from international courts in electing a new pope.  After black smoke indicated no new pope had been elected, the frustrated Cardinals are turning to the opinion of international courts to elect a pope.

"This is a logical next step," said a Cardinal who asked not to be identified.  "Supreme Court justices in the United States even look to international courts now for guidance interpreting the Constitution.  It only seems natural that it's time for the Catholic Church to turn for help to the international courts."

Experts speculate that the advice from international courts will result in the election of a pope who supports abortion, same-sex marriage, Communism, adultery, and euthanasia.  The Church will also no longer believe in Christianity or God, replacing the Bible with a document modeled on the new EU constitution.  A new Zogby poll commissioned by CBS News shows strong support of this action by a majority of non-Catholics, thereby giving it legitimacy in the media's view of public opinion.