WASHINGTON, DC --- Democrats announced today that they have finally completed a secure online database that will allow Democratic senators and congressmen to access information about the positions they should take on domestic and foreign issues. Nicknamed "NotBush", the database is being heralded as a key weapon in organizing Democrats to be a more cohesive and united group.
The database will be maintained by MoveOn.org and will be easy to update. All positions recorded will simply be the exact opposite of President Bush's positions on any topic. No details will be given on why a particular position is taken, and the database is only meant to track the huge volume of positions staked out by the GOP that the Democrats will need to counter with the exact opposite position.
Howard Dean was thrilled with the launch. "This is an amazing tool," said Dean. "It allows us to be a cohesive group and track all positions of the president. He's in favor of private Social Security accounts? Then we're against it. He wants multilateral talks with North Korea? Then we want unilateral talks. He wants an energy policy for this country? Then we don't want one. He supports our troops overseas? Then we support terrorists overseas. No one will ever again doubt where Democrats stand on anything."
The NotBush system is so sophisticated that it automatically determines the positions for Democrats. An administrator simply enters the position taken by President Bush on a particular topic, and the database automatically spits out the opposite position for the Democrat stand on the same topic. While virtually all Democrats hailed the database as a major success, Hillary Clinton expressed concern that the system would conflict with her current makeover process.