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US Breaks 'Yawning' Record as Media Flocks to Deep Throat

WASHINGTON, DC --- The national simultaneous yawning record was broken today when the media stampeded to report on the unveiling of "Deep Throat" from the Watergate investigation.  The record surpassed the previous mark set in 2000 when Al Gore was nominated by the Democrats to run for president.  The world record for a simultaneous yawn took place over a year ago on the day that liberal radio network Air America launched.

"It was uncontrollable," said Terri Kloth of New Hampshire.  "After seeing the story splashed across the front pages of every major newspaper, seeing it on every television channel, and hearing it all over the radio, I just couldn't hold back the yawn.  I really tried though."

Initial studies show that only infants, federal politicians, hippies and people working in the media did not yawn.  Grassroots organizations have already begun to form in order to protest if the media continues to be obsessed over the discovery.

San Francisco Honors Fallen Al Qaeda on Memorial Day

SAN FRANCISCO, California --- Mayor Gavin Newsom and the Board of Supervisors attended a solemn ceremony to honor fallen al Qaeda heroes on Memorial Day.  Held in front of a recently demolished building to symbolize the fallen World Trade Center, Mayor Newsom slowly read through a list of over 100 known al Qaeda fighters who died for the cause, including those responsible for 9/11.

"This was a moving experience," said Supervisor Chris Daly.  "Honoring these freedom fighters is the least we can do.  Some day maybe they'll liberate us all from the oppressive capitalist pigdogs of the United States.  I only hope I'm alive to see that day."

Mayor Newsom declined a local al Qaeda leader's invitation to blow himself up at the ceremony, claiming the explosion might ruin his hair for the rest of the day.

Bill Clinton Upset Over Viagra Ruling

NEW YORK, New York --- After learning recently that states were giving free Viagra to sex offenders, governors around the country immediately took measures to stop the practice.  With the announcement, however, former President Bill Clinton expressed outrage that his Viagra would no longer be provided free of charge.

"This is really unfair," said Clinton.  "With the amount of Viagra I take, I'll go broke now that this has been cut off for sex offenders like myself.  It takes a lot of that stuff to hook up with all of these unattractive women.  Trust me."

Republicans Discover Mystery Senator is Barbara Boxer in Disguise

WASHINGTON, DC --- Republicans began an investigation into the mystery senator yesterday when someone calling himself George Voinovich sent a letter to senators asking them not to vote for UN Ambassador nominee John Bolton.  Today, that investigation determined that Senator Voinovich was really Barbara Boxer in disguise.  Senator Boxer gave herself away when she began crying on the senate floor while pretending to be a GOP senator named George Voinovich.  Click here for a video of the display.

"The mystery has been solved!" declared Senator Bill Frist.  "Now it makes sense why this individual would send letters asking fellow Republicans not to vote for John Bolton.  Nice try, Babs.  Your crying gave you away.  Will the Democrats stop at nothing to try and regain even an ounce of power?  I certainly wouldn't dress up like Hillary Clinton to try and get a nominee confirmed.  Besides, I don't have enough facial hair to pull it off."

Republicans first suspected the imposter when senators began noticing that Boxer and Voinovich were never in the same room at the same time.  But it wasn't until the display of tears that the ruse was finally uncovered.

Senators Receive Mysterious Letter from Supposed Senator

WASHINGTON, DC --- Some senators reported receiving a mysterious letter asking them not to support John Bolton's nomination for UN Ambassador.  The letter came from someone named George Voinovich, who is apparently a US Senator.

"I initially thought it was junk mail," said Senator Sam Brownback (R - KS).  "Then someone on my staff decided to investigate and informed me that this Jordan Vordivitch guy is actually a senator.  I honestly have never heard of him before, and he's in my own party.  From Michigan or Ohio or somewhere.  I don't know this Jackie Verditch, so I'm not sure if the letter is even legitimate.  It sure doesn't seem like it was written by someone from the GOP.  Unless John McCain wrote if for him, but Johnny would never pass up a chance at some free publicity."

Several other senators were confused by the same letter sent by the unknown senator and have put together a team to confirm that George Voinovich is actually a senator.  "If this person really is a senator, I think he might just be jealous of some of the attention that senators like John McCain, Harry Reid and myself are getting right now," said Senator Bill Frist.  "Once we determine who this guy really is, we'll need to sit him down and explain that there are better ways to get attention around here.  Telling powerful senators how to vote when they don't even know you is a definite no-no.  This Gregory Vonofresh guy will learn though.  I'm sure he's a good kid."

Syria Stops Cooperating with US, White House Uncertain What That Means

DAMASCUS, Syria --- Syria announced today that they are no longer cooperating with the US in sharing information about the war on terror.  Citing inaccurate and unfair statements by the US, the Syrian government will immediately stop working with them.

Meanwhile, the news took the White House by surprise.  "We were unaware that Syria had been cooperating with us," said one official.  "We're still making sure that our translation of the Syrian announcement is accurate.  Maybe the word for cooperation actually translates to something else that has the opposite meaning as well.  We're still not certain what this announcement really means to the United States yet."

Feeling pressure from Syria, al Qaeda and Iran plan to announce their withdrawal of cooperation with the US by the end of the week.  France is also rumored to be preparing an announcement that its citizens will stop wearing deodorant.

UN Investigates Republicans After 'Nuclear Option' Threat

NEW YORK, New York --- Ben Dwetter, head of the UN's International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA), announced plans to "vigorously investigate" Republicans after they threatened using a nuclear option in the Senate.  He said his investigation will begin immediately.

"This is further evidence that the Bush Administration is evil and has plans to use WMD against its own people," said Mr. Dwetter.  "They are more dangerous than al Qaeda, North Korea, and Iran.  If they're willing to use WMD against their own people, then the rest of the world is also at risk in our opinion.  I am at this moment issuing a stern warning for them to give up their nuclear ambitions.  I mean it.  I'm very serious, and they'd better listen."

Confused Republican senators listened to the allegations and claimed that the nuclear option was only going to be used for good purposes.  "We're a peaceful party that is only going to use the nuclear option for good, not evil," said Senator Bill Frist.  "I'm not sure why the UN wants to get involved in this debate, but we take their stern warning very seriously.  We don't want it to elevate to a 'really stern warning' from the IAEA.  That would be disastrous for Republicans."

Democrats and other socialists around the world are hopeful that liberal reformers like John McCain will gain control of the GOP to mitigate the nuclear option threat.  Since that scenario is unlikely, the IAEA is prepared to step in and use "very harsh words" and "threatening language" to diffuse the threat.

McCain Launching Cable News Network

WASHINGTON, DC --- Senator John McCain announced plans to start his own cable news network today in order to get more time in front of a camera.  Frustrated that he can only get the main news networks to interview him for a few hours each day, McCain has plans to launch the McCain News Network (McCNN).

"It's important that I am on television as much as possible," said McCain.  "I'm not very popular with the majority of Republicans, but being on television all of the time gives the impression that I'm very popular.  And that's why I do this senate thing.  To get on television.  Now people can tune in 24-hours a day to see me strutting my stuff and undermining the GOP to get more attention.  I'm a genius."

Senator Hillary Clinton was rumored to be furious about the announcement, because she did not think of it first.  The two senators have a history of battling for the most media attention.  "She's devastated that John has the upper hand now," said a Clinton insider.  "Hillary was working on a reality show based on her daily routine, but John will have his face on television all day every day now.  There's panic in her camp to do damage control and find another way to get more publicity.  A lot of people already call CNN the Clinton News Network, but that's an unofficial relationship.  Clinton is trying to think bigger."

Warren Beatty Escapes from Mental Hospital to Give Berkeley Commencement

BERKELEY, California --- A Los Angeles mental facility was alarmed when actor Warren Beatty disappeared from their location late Friday night.  Officials were relieved when Beatty surfaced making a commencement address at UC Berkeley, and he is on his way back to the safety of his padded room.

"We were quite concerned for his safety," said one of Beatty's doctors.  "He's being treaty for an acute mental disorder called 'liberalism' and is not safe in public.  Guests at the commencement noted that Beatty was babbling something about Schwarzenegger and huge taxes and turning California into a poor socialist nation run by Hollywood.  He clearly needs significant help."

Investigators believe Beatty picked the lock in his room using a safety pin from his diaper in order to escape.  "He's a bed wetting liberal," said another official.  "He has to wear a diaper, but I guess we didn't consider he might pick the lock with a safety pin.  We might just cover his mattress in plastic instead."

FCC Investigates Saddam Wardrobe Malfunction

BAGHDAD, Iraq --- The FCC announced today that it is investigating an apparent wardrobe malfunction by Saddam Hussein while participating in a variety show from his prison cell.  He could be fined over $1 million dollars for the possible stunt.

"It was a completely honest mistake," said Saddam.  "My clothes were supposed to come off to reveal a sleek silver body suit underneath.  For some reason the whole suit was pulled off when my clothes came off.  It was an innocent wardrobe malfunction."

The FCC wasn't buying Saddam's story.  "We have information from some insiders that Saddam talked about a 'big surprise' during his act," said an FCC investigator.  "He claims the surprise was the body suit, but I think it's clear what he intended to do.  We're vigorously investigating this incident, and fines will be handed out."