Jerhad!com

Bush Declared Healthy, Liberals Demand Socialized Medicine

WASHINGTON, DC --- After doctors recently declared President Bush in superior health, liberals demanded that the United States adopt a socialized medical system.

"Bush might be dead by now if we had a socialized medical system like Canada," said Ricardo Odlid, a San Francisco liberal and obsessed Bush-hater.  "I'm so upset about his good health.  If he had to wait several months to get basic medical treatment in a socialized medical system, maybe he'd be dead by now.  We need to adopt socialized medicine immediately.  People like me would be able to get better private medical care like the limousine liberals in Canada, but Bush should be made to wait in line with the masses.  I can only hope that kind of system accelerates his death."

News From Iraq IV

Iraq Update 7/29/05

Hi All:

Excuse the delay in getting this out.  I had to skip a week as my family was on vacation so Rachel couldn’t forward the correspondence.  I don’t have a lot of new stuff as I have been confined to the office as I’m acting for the boss while he is in the United States.  He’s coming back at the beginning of August and I’ll be happy to see him come back.  After over 17 years of management, I really don’t want to get back into it full time. 

This week I had a very heart warming experience.  Our translator, Noha, and I were speaking about families and I was telling her about my two daughters and my wife.  Noha thanks me for making the sacrifice to come over here and liberate them from Saddam Hussein’s regime and for helping them in the reconstruction.  Now Noha and her family are not exactly poor but she gave as an example that since the Iraq/Iran war they have had continuous power outages and have been totally restrictive in movement.  For example under Saddam’s regime, women under the age of 48 are forbidden to go anywhere alone or without any male accompaniment.  She was able to travel out of the country only because of foreign property ownership or else she would not be able to see her family that live elsewhere.  Noha said, Iraq used to be a wonderful democratic country but Saddam did away with it all.  That pretty much says it all.  Iraq had a self sustaining economy and great natural resources but through complacency, the people allowed themselves to be ruled by 20% of the population.  My experience with Noha teaches me that no truer words were ever spoken that the “price of freedom is constant vigilance.”  I will never believe the words “it can’t happen here” ever again. 

The above was the good part.  The bad part was that we had a translator who was taking advantage of his position and, as a result, was causing a potential security breach.  Initially he was hostile when confronted with the issues and I thought there might be some major trouble.  However, things became calm especially when he was confronted with the evidence then all he wanted to do was depart in a peaceful manner.  His id badge was pulled and he was escorted from the compound.  It made for a tense moment or two.  It just must be human nature for one to want to take advantage of something if the opportunity presents itself.

The other night we had a unique experience.  After a rather bad dust storm, the choppers were flying.  Now typically when the choppers come in for a landing, they set off flares.  The flares are to deflect heat seeking rockets etc.  Well the choppers came in so low that the flares landed on some of the palm trees in our trailer complexes and caught them on fire.  We have the Baghdad Fire Department which is manned by fire personnel from the States.  I learned that the palm trees actually have a sap that is very volatile and this kept the trees burning.  The fire department put the fires out but it made for some interesting moments and some pigeons and doves are running around with singed feathers. 

I had a meeting with a financial minister from an Iraqi Ministry.  She was extremely nice and very articulate in English.  It was very interesting to speak with her and she is being very helpful on one of our investigations.  The gold they have here is really rich colored stuff.  I believe it’s 21 or 23 carat.  It kinda hard to shop given the volatility and the fact that if one ventures into the red zone for other than official business, you are out – no excuses.

I know a lot of you are still wondering what the heck I’m doing over here.  I forwarded a Wall Street Journal article on our Inspector General, Stuart Bowen to Rachel who will forward it to you all.  The article details to some degree the work we are trying to do here.  My only regret is that we weren’t empowered to do this as soon as this country was secured before the money flow started. 

  I was able to work with some U.S. Army Special Forces this week on a matter of mutual interest.  These guys had experience in South America, other Middle East, and other hot spots.  There were very interesting to speak with.  It’s amazing how unassuming they are.  If you crossed them on a street in America you wouldn’t give them a second look and you definitely would not consider them to be SF.  They look like they should be mowing a front lawn in suburban area.  They don’t look like the Rangers, the Seals, or Diplomatic Security personnel all brawn, muscle, and heavy weapons.   However, I wouldn’t want them after me.  As it turned out we had information about some weapons being purchased that were not being stored properly.  We were able to tie down the acquisition and actually found the weapon site.  It definitely isn’t secured properly but these are not U.S. arms or U.S. money but at least the information is in the right hands.  I definitely don’t want to hold info on something that could be used against our troops.

You should hear me trying to talk Arabic with some of the workers.  They really get a kick out of my attempt to pronounce the words.  It’s really tough to make some of these sounds.  Some sound like you’re trying to clear your throat. 

Oh I’ve got to end this with our lovely Alice on the rampage again over the PX inventory.  You remember I wrote to you about Alice, the Army CID retiree, who couldn’t get shampoo but could find lady’s thong underwear.  Well, she comes back from the PX steaming mad again today.  It’s 118.  She says she still can’t get any shampoo but the PX is loaded with two kinds of bubble bath.  Unfortunately, there aren’t any bath tubs in the entire International Zone except for the medical tubs at the hospital emergency room.  She is just livid that they would even place the bubble bath out on display.  Again, it’s good for a laugh. 

We had a list passed around today in the office asking what dessert we were missing the most while here in Iraq.  The employees were putting down banana splits, fresh strawberries, etc.  I wrote down “Sex.”  I figured they serve us cookies, ice cream, cake, and sometimes flan at two meals a day, who needs more sweets than that?  What’s not happening here for me??  You got it!!!  However, at my age, I can tough it out.  I just double my time at the gym.

Ya’ll have a great week and we should be back in sync with Rachel returning from vacation.  Take care and thank you again for all of your thoughts, good wishes, and prayers.

Cheney Runs for President After Helen Thomas Says She Will Kill Herself if He Does

WASHINGTON, DC --- Helen Thomas, the oldest man in the White House press corps, said he would kill himself if Dick Cheney ran for President.  Upon hearing the announcement, Dick Cheney announced his candidacy for president in 2008.

"That biased and crotchety old man just won't go away," said Cheney.  "We tried holding press conferences during the early bird special hours at Denny's, but he kept showing up anyway.  We can't shake him.  Helen Thomas has been a thorn in the side of Republicans for over 100 years.  If I have to run for president to get rid of him, then I'll do it!"

3.2 Million Union Members Leave AFL-CIO, US Productivity Increases 127% Overnight

CHICAGO, Illinois --- In a blow to the AFL-CIO, the Teamsters and other groups announced they are leaving the embattled union.  The US Department of Labor and Statistics announced that US productivity immediately increased 127%.

"It's the weirdest thing I've ever seen," said a USDL&P representative.  "Productivity skyrocketed after the announcement was made.  Cigarette sales also plummeted by 14%."

Hillary Gives Thumbs Up for Roberts, Plans to Replace Him with Eminent Domain

WASHINGTON, DC --- Hillary Clinton announced that she plans to keep with her makeover and support Supreme Court nominee, John Roberts, even before the Senate hearings.  She even took a swipe at moveon.org in the process, hurting the feelings of countless fellow Communists around the country.  However, unlike her previous makeover moves, insiders have learned that Hillary is supporting Roberts now but plans to replace him using the recently upheld eminent domain ruling by the Supreme Court.

"A Supreme Court nominee will be undone by a Supreme Court ruling," said an unnamed source.  "Hillary plans to invoke eminent domain after Roberts is confirmed and replace him with a liberal judge in a higher tax bracket, claiming another candidate will bring in more tax revenue than Roberts."

The White House had no comment on this supposed scheme as they were busy fighting a plan to turn the White House into a strip mall using eminent domain.

Durbin Calls London Police Nazis After They Shoot Suicide Bomber Five Times

WASHINGTON, DC --- Senator Dick Durbin, who called Gitmo treatment of terrorists similar to the gulag, Nazis, and Pol Pot, expressed outrage over London police shooting a suicide bomber five times and killing him.

"Are these guys taking lessons from the US military?" said Durbin.  "Come on.  Five times?  That's excessive.  You'd expect that from Nazis, or Pol Pot, or gulag guards.  Not London police officers.  Couldn't they have reasoned with the guy instead?  Made him see that his actions were not necessary?  Words, not bullets.  This is savagery!"

Democrats Adopt UK Education Policy of Deferred Success

WASHINGTON, DC --- The Professional Association of Teachers in the UK want to adopt a policy that does not use the word "fail" to refer to students who fail.  Instead they will used the term "deferred success".  Howard Dean fell in love with the concept and announced that he is adopting it for the entire Democratic Party.

"These teachers are really onto something," said Dean.  "No one in this party is a failure.  We are deferred successes.  John Kerry's deferred success in the 2004 election was a travesty.  Our multiple deferred successes in the House and Senate races were also quite unfortunate.  In fact, I'm feeling like a huge deferred success with my inability to raise money for the Party and defeat the Republicans."

President Bush didn't mince words over the new concept.  "We don't defer success in the GOP," said Bush.  "We'll take our victory now and let the losers pretend they see it as a positive result.  We're planning to let the Democrats write the longest deferred success story in history.  I guess we just operate in the real world where there are winners and then there are Democrats."

Liberals Blame 9/11 on Iraq War

NEW YORK, New York --- In the aftermath of the London terror attacks, liberals began to blame the attacks on British support of the war on terror.  Eventually, they came to the conclusion that the war in Iraq was also to blame for the 9/11 terror attacks.

"Bush's unjust war is to blame for the 9/11 attacks," said Richard Odlid, a Florida liberal.  "If we hadn't invaded Iraq to oust Saddam, they would have left us alone.  These people just want to live in peace.  If Saddam was still in power today, 9/11 never would have happened.  We need to put Saddam back in power and completely leave the Middle East.  Then they'll just leave us alone.  They just want us to leave them alone."  When the White House pointed out that the invasion of Iraq happened AFTER the 9/11 attacks, liberals accused Bush of lying to justify war.

In other news, Mohammed Bouyeri, the Muslim who murdered a Dutch film maker for being a non-believer, had this to say:

"I take complete responsibility for my actions. I acted purely in the name of my religion.  I can assure you that one day, should I be set free, I would do the same, exactly the same.  I don't feel your pain. I have to admit that I don't have any sympathy for you. I can't feel for you because you're a non-believer."

Mohammed apparently didn't get the memo from liberals claiming that he is only a murderer because of the war in Iraq.  Liberals said that Mohammed will get another copy of that memo soon.  Mohammed was preoccupied planning his next murder of non-believers from prison and was unavailable for comment.

Muslim Court Orders Juanita Broderick to Marry Bill Clinton

PEORIA, Illinois --- A Muslim court in Peoria, Illinois, followed the lead of another court in Bombay, India, today and ordered Juanita Broderick to marry Bill Clinton.  After the Muslim court in Bombay ordered a woman who was raped by her father-in-law to leave her husband and marry her rapist, the local Muslim court said it had no choice but to require Broderick, a rape victim of Bill Clinton, to marry the former president.

"This is how it must be," said a member of the court.  "Miss Broderick has been soiled by another man and must now be his bride.  We don't make this stuff up.  It's just the law."

Feminist leaders around the country had mixed feelings.  "I'm not sure how to feel about this," said feminist Carolina Communista of San Francisco.  "I mean it's probably wrong on so many levels, but this is Bill Clinton we're talking about.  We're not really allowed to criticize anything done by liberals.  I'm so confused."

News from Iraq III

Hello to all:

Hope all are doing well on the home front and are enjoying the wonderful hot summer weather.  A little warm back there you say?  Well, right now it’s cooled off from a high of 125 today to about 115.  I’m told August will be worse.  It amazing.  You walk about 100 yards and you break a major sweat. 

Last night we went to dinner at a restaurant called the Blue Star that’s in the Green Zone.  The place is just a little more than a glorified tent that’s air conditioned and is surrounded by sand bags.  It’s neat because you get to watch the choppers fly in just over head and I do mean just overhead.  When you can see the side gunner’s faces distinctly, you know that’s close.  But look at it on the bright side, where can you go in the United States and get genuine Iraqi food, beer brewed in Turkey, wine from Lebanon, and a Hookah pipe if you want it in a tent surrounded by sand bags? 

This week has been predominantly filled with laughter primarily directed at ourselves and our situation but we continue to have somber moments. 

We did experience a couple of bombings but casualties were surprisingly light.  The most significant one was a car bomb that went off at one of the check points.  The car bomb was followed by another bomber who detonated himself.  There was a third bomber but he stood so close to the #2 guy that his side was paralyzed upon the concussion and he couldn’t hit the plunger although he was trying.  Security shot him but he’ll live.  Fr. Dennis told us that three soldiers were badly injured and one was standing five feet from the car when it detonated.  All three have survived and will make good recoveries.  As Fr. said “miracles do happen.”  The only thing that I can think of is that the detonation knocked the soldier down on the ground and the shrapnel blast went over the top of him.

This week I got to see what $83M in cash looks like.  That’s a lot of paper.  I got to see Saddam’s Lladro collection, his assortment of canes and swords and I got to hold his gold plated AK-47 and his personal rocket propelled grenade launcher.  I have to admit except for the Lladro’s, a lot of his stuff is really gaudy and not exactly artistic in nature.  For example, you would have thought that he would have his AK with metal scrolling on it like the fancy double barreled rifles from England.  It’s just plain gold plated.  A lot of the walking canes all had pikes on the end or were hidden swords.  One was actually a rifle.  When I told the Lieutenant in the Comptroller’s Office (who has custody of the vault) that rifle canes were made in the US around the turn of the century, she was surprised.  It was quite the thing back in the late 1890’s and 1900’s. 

I met a couple of Italian Carabinieri’s at lunch this week and was talking about food.  They are assigned security for the Italian Ambassador.  They said they were going to have a pizza party and would invite us.  The Italian Embassy Compound has a wood fired oven on the premises.  He said the pizza comes out wonderful.  I can’t wait. 

We had a great time at mass today.  Our choir is a mix of soldiers, law enforcement, and state department personnel.  One of the state department people is a lady who is a consul for the Department of State.  She has a wonderful voice and for the most part is a reserved legal type.  Just before communion is about to get underway, she leans over and whispers to me that all of the Eucharist Ministers are packing heat.  What’s funny is that this is coming from her.  I responded that so is half the choir and 90% of the congregation.  Fr. says he must keep his sermons short and to the point for the same reason lest someone gets an itchy finger.  Fr. keeps saying he gets many compliments about the choir which is great.  We are going to lose a few due to rotations in their schedules.  Hopefully new ones will come along.  The other thing that was funny was when this same State Department lady went to retrieve music from her backpack I couldn’t help notice that she had two rolls of toilet paper in there.  I couldn’t help but comment that I thought that was a lot of t/p and she must really be on the go.  She replied that the toilet paper in the rest rooms is crap.  I said I really hadn’t noticed any different.  She busts out laughing as did the rest of the choir and said that it was obvious I wasn’t a woman.  I replied not even on my best day.  God what a thought!

We went to the range this week so I finally got my M-4 tuned up and working for me.  Our M-4’s are equipped with an electronic sight in addition to the iron sights.  My electronic sight was pretty much right on but my iron sights were all messed up.  Our range officer asked if I was going to use my electronic sight.  I said I wanted to sight in both.  I said I didn’t want any issues if the battery on my electronic sight died at the wrong time.  The range time could not have been better.  On Wednesday we got a respite from the heat, only in the low 100’s and there was no dust.  One of our agents is a former New Jersey homicide detective who then finished his career as an Inspector General with the State Department.  He is presently our boss while the real boss is back in D.C.  He always uses this expression, WHAT COULD GO WRONG??  Well, with him at the range this week almost everything.  We did this practical exercise where we drilled as if our vehicle was incapacitated and then we were under enemy fire.  The drill was to drive the vehicle, stop, exit the vehicle on the opposite side of the danger, and then shoot the bad guy targets which were interspersed with good guy targets down range.  Well, Mike is driving, he pulls up and looks like he threw the car in park but it was just in reverse.  He bails out of the car and the second agent is trying to get out while the car is going backwards.  At first we thought it was in neutral but its gathering speed while the second agent is caught between the console and the driver’s side.  We start yelling and Mike halfway gets back in to stop the car.  Both agents exit and Mike takes a position behind the hood of the car and starts firing down range with his M-4.  After the drill is over we are still laughing about the car being in reverse and then notice that there’s a bullet hole in the hood of the car right in front of where Mike was positioned.  Unfortunately, Mike had rested his rifle on the hood but was shooting down hill.  His sights cleared but the barrel didn’t.  Now we had two things to laugh and tease him about.  We checked the car to make sure he didn’t damage anything important, like the radiator, and found it to be okay.  If we were in the US, there’d be paperwork to write but here it wouldn’t be the only car with a few holes in it.  Finally, the coups de grace comes.  While the other agents are going through the drill, Mike is scrounging around and finds a .223 round in the dirt.  He dusts it off and is able to remove the cartridge from the casing.  He empties the powder out of it and replaces the bullet.  Then he grabs the range officer’s M-4 by mistake, chambers the round, and fires it with only the primer for ignition.  He gets the bullet stuck in the barrel.  In the meantime we’ve finished the drill and Mike is telling the range officer while we are listening about what he did.  Now you have to picture Mike who is about 6’2”, maybe 235 lbs, telling this story like a kid who did something bad with his father’s tools.  You’ve got to know our range officer.  He likes firearms more than I do and he takes a lot of pride in maintaining his equipment.  He resembles G. Gordon Liddy and keeps asking Mike – You did this

By now, we just can’t take it and are laughing uncontrollably at this.  First he can’t get the car in park, he shoots the hood, and then he gets a bullet stuck in the range officer’s rifle.  We kept saying WHAT COULD GO WRONG!!!  Mike is leaving in another week so we are going to give him the first Inspector General WHAT COULD GO WRONG award as a going away present. 

I guess the other thing that happened this week that was pretty unique was one major dust storm on Thursday.  I mean this dust was so thick that it resembled fog in San Francisco.  I was up at 5:30 A.M. on Thursday morning and it was clear but by 7:00 A.M., the dust was really settling in.  By mid afternoon, it was actually coming into the buildings as well.  I understand that they are even worse when you are out in the desert without buildings around. 

The last funny thing that happened involved our intelligence analyst.  She’s a retired U.S. Army Criminal Investigation Division specialist.  Earlier this week, she went to the PX to buy some things.  Now our PX doesn’t have a lot of stuff and we think that the reason is that the majority of the soldiers are in the Forward Operating Bases so most of the supplies go there and it’s tough to get them here.  Alice ends up going to the PX and can’t find hair shampoo.  She comes back mad as a hornet and said the PX can’t keep items of necessity like deodorant and shampoo in stock but they have a huge supply of thong underwear.  She’s ranting whose going to be wearing that stuff with military BDUs and besides those things were certainly not going to fit her rear anyway.  It took us awhile to stop laughing. 

Laughter is a good thing and I’m glad that we had some good laughs this week.  The rest of my working time was devoted to records analysis so there’s not a lot of items that I can discuss although some of what I found I would like to comment on but that will have to wait until the matter is adjudicated. 

Well, good bye for now.  Thank you all again for the good words, thoughts, and prayers.  My best to you and your loved ones.  Bob