Jerhad!com

Hillary Outraged After Being Asked to Remove Mask

WASHINGTON, DC --- Hillary Clinton has asked for security personnel to be fired after they asked her to remove her Halloween mask before entering the Senate floor on Monday.  The head of Senate security had no comment on the matter.

"This is outrageous," said a Clinton spokesperson.  "These individuals should be able to tell that she isn't wearing a mask.  How sexist that they want everyone to look beautiful and real.  We're going to get to the bottom of this."

Tengo Miedo, one of the security guards involved in the incident, was shocked by the attention.  "Come on," said Mr. Miedo.  "Can you tell if she has a mask on?  That's one scary...  Never mind.  I'm in enough trouble already."

Only 56,184 to Go

BAGHDAD, Iraq --- Sadly, US military casualties hit the 2,000 mark last week in Iraq.  Anti-war activists were excited but disappointed over the milestone.

"It's great that we've hit another big milestone to draw attention to the similarities with the Vietnam War," said Richard Odlid, a protester from Michigan.  "With a little luck, we'll have another 56,814 killed soon so that we equal the death toll in Vietnam.  Then people will really pay attention.  The deaths just don't seem to be coming fast enough though.  I was hoping we'd be to at least 10,000 by now.  I'm excited that we're this far, but it's frustrating that people don't always see that 2,000 is almost as much as 58,000.  Make no mistake.  This is Vietnam, man.  Another 260 and this death toll is as bad as the War of 1812.  Think about that, man."

www.mysoldier.com

San Francisco to Ban Brazilians from Voting After Pro-Gun Vote

SAN FRANCISCO, California --- San Francisco's Board of Supervisors moved to immediately ban anyone with Brazilian heritage from voting in the upcoming local elections.  Brazil recently voted overwhelmingly not to outlaw guns in their country, and the Board of Supervisors is very concerned that local Brazilians could impact the vote in San Francisco to ban all guns in November.

"These Brazilians are not smart enough to vote," said Supervisor Chris Daly.  "How can an entire country vote so overwhelmingly not to ban guns?  Especially a country that has a much higher murder rate than San Francisco.  Maybe Brazilians can play soccer, but they can't vote here in November.  I'm going to see to that."

News From Iraq XI

Iraq Update 10/22/05

Greetings to all from the IZ

I think I’m getting back into the swing of things but my days and nights still are not totally adjusted.  I really didn’t think it would be that hard to adjust to the time changes but it does take a lot out of you.  I’m back into my workout routine but I still find that I’m waking at 3:00 + A.M. and just about falling asleep by 4:00 P.M. in the afternoon. 

Of course, I got used to sleeping in peace and quiet at home but now the Blackhawks flying through all hours of the night are awaking me as well. 

I’m sure within another week I should be back into a good sleep mode ----actually as good as it can get.  I don’t recall really sleeping straight through the night since I arrived here last May. 

I reported back to the choir at church and found that new additions have come in to replace those that have permanently departed for home and/or reassignment.  We have another pianist who plays wonderfully and sings as well but contends she can’t do both.  We are still in need of a guitarist.  Any takers?  I’m soon going to be assigned the task of selecting the music for mass.  That should prove interesting.  However, I know I can’t get too carried away as I have to be cognizant of the fact that we only have a pianist for accompaniment. 

I have to mention that it is really cooling down at night around here.  I never thought I would ever be caught saying that this place is cold but last night I actually had to turn on the heater in the hootch and early this morning I used my blanket for the first time since I’ve been here.  I would love to sleep with the window on the hootch open but about 20 yards from my trailer is a generator that powers flood lights.  It’s too noisy to keep the window open so I try to get as much fresh air in as I can and then shut the window towards bed time.  The generator racket is just too much to contend with.

I’ve also got a real perplexing problem with the bathroom facility in the hootch.  My sink produces hot water almost immediately but I can’t get any hot water out of my shower.  Consequently since I’ve been back all I’ve been able to do is take cold showers.  Needless to say it’s a real eye opener but it is getting a little old as it’s tough to get under the water (such as it is with the trickle I get), get wet enough to soap up, and then grit your teeth through a rinse.  I’m glad my hair isn’t long but I’m going to let it grow.   I don’t mind shaving my head but it really impacts staying warm.  It’s amazing how much the little amount of hair that I have left keeps my head warm.  I think if they can’t fix my shower problem, I will fill several plastic bottles with hot water from the sink and put them in the shower with me.  It least I’ll be able to try and cut the cold water a little.  I really hate to complain about this but I have to think that it’s something that is repairable.  If not it’s going to be a long winter.

This week I happened to meet up with a group of Italian soldiers that I hadn’t seen before.  They were trying to take a group photo and were using the timing device on their camera except they were having trouble getting the camera to be stable to take the shot.  I asked them in Italian if they wanted me to take the picture of them.  They were really delighted to hear my rough Italian and then wanted a picture of me with them as well.  I really have to say that it’s been fun meeting people from all over the world as well as throughout the entire United States.  Speaking of that, I’m really impressed with the amount of young people that are here working who are trying to pay off a house or have a house paid off and are trying to pay off rental property.  Given the housing costs and the instability in employers providing stable pensions for retirement, I think this strategy is very sound.   

I guess you all have heard that we had a rocket attack earlier this week.  Two rockets actually made it in.  One hit a bunker that was unoccupied.  However, the rocket fell pretty close to living quarters.  I have a picture of the bunker so I’ll include that with this letter.  So far we’ve been blessed with minimal casualties here but I still feel for the troops on continuous patrol.  I keep wondering when the average Iraqis will finally tire of the tyranny and the street oppression and decided to reclaim the streets for themselves.  You know no matter how many troops we have here and how many Iraqis we train as soldier or police, they can’t be everywhere.  It boils down to the citizenry being responsible for themselves.  I keep mentioning the Kurds but they are so far ahead of the rest of the country, it’s simply unbelievable.  They actually have things moving ahead and part of it is that all of the Kurds take ownership in security and make it a priority issue.   

I’m sure you all are aware of Saddam’s trial.  It’s really not too far from where I’m located.  He seems to be doing his best at antagonizing the judges.  I’ve seen that done in federal district court on several occasions.  It’s really not the best thing to do when you decide to irritate someone who holds your life in their hands.  With Saddam Hussein’s trial going on and the murder of one of the defense attorneys, I can’t help but make a comparison to the Capone days when the Mafia was threatening everyone with death and witnesses, government agents, prosecutors, jurors, etc. were all under a constant state of threat.

The other thing that’s new here in the IZ is that the Ghurka guards contract was discontinued and now the new guards are from Nicaragua.  They are nice but they are a little more intense.  It’s easier to speak with them with a minimum of Spanish.  However, I was just leaving my hootch this morning to go work out.  It was still completely dark.  As I started walking towards the side walk area, I noticed a figure completely in dressed in black with a mask over his face carrying a shoulder weapon.  When I saw him, my first instinct was to draw down but he made no hostile action.  I realized he was one of the guards.  Usually, they stay at the internal check points.  I thought it was pretty dangerous of him walking around like that.  I know these guys are probably freezing given the temperatures from their native land but there could be a problem if someone is a little too quick on the draw and doesn’t stop to think. 

I think that’s about it.  We have a ton of work to do but it sure is tough getting things organized in order to get the work done.  We have some assignments on hold because our security team feels that the contacts we need to make are in areas that are totally insecure and too dangerous.  Consequently, we don’t want to go into an area to initiate a firefight as that won’t accomplish a whole lot in terms of getting our work done. 

I hope you all remain well and thank you so much for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers.  My best regards.  Bob

Anti-Gun Groups Call for Ban on Crown Molding

MARTINEZ, California --- An arrest was made today in the tragic death of the wife of famed attorney, Daniel Horowitz.  A sixteen-year-old boy was arrested, and it was disclosed that the boy used crown molding to beat Horowitz's wife to death.  Anti-gun groups and Democrat politicians immediately pointed to the extreme dangers of crown molding and called upon President Bush to ban all crown molding.

"This clearly shows that the president has been asleep at the wheel by allowing crown molding to proliferate around the country and cause countless tragic deaths," said Hillary Clinton.  "No state currently requires background checks or has an age limitation for the purchase of crown molding.  There is no valid reason why anyone would have a need to own crown molding.  Other countries don't use crown molding.  We're barbaric and backwards here in America when it comes to crown molding."

The NCMA (National Crown Molding Association) immediately issued a one-sentence press release:  "Crown molding doesn't kill people, socialized medicine does."  The NCMA plans to file a lawsuit in federal court should the government attempt to curtail the rights of law-abiding crown molding owners.

Men Stranded by High Tide Narowly Escape Kennedy Rescue Attempt

HYANNIS, Massachusetts --- Six men stranded on a jetty when the tide went out narrowly escaped a rescue attempt by Ted Kennedy.  Senator Kennedy spotted the stranded men while walking his dogs and made an attempt to "save" them from the rising tide.

"It was terrifying," said Joe Copeckney.  "The rising tide cut us off from the mainland, and we thought we might be stuck.  Suddenly a man approached in a boat and said he was coming to rescue us.  Imagine our horror when we discovered that man was Ted Kennedy.  We managed to hold him off until firefighters arrived to save us.  It was a close call, but we managed to keep the senator from drowning us all.  We cried like Hollywood liberals we were so scared.  One of the guys is half French and managed to wet himself.  I can't tell you how relieved we were to see the fire department show up."

Democrats Outraged That Iraqi Constitution Mentions God, Doesn't Guarantee Abortion

BAGHDAD, Iraq --- Democrats expressed dismay and outrage at the new Iraqi constitution that appears set for passage today.  The document, that starts off with the phrase "In the name of God", does not guarantee a woman's right to choose or government-run healthcare.

"Bush is screwing it up again," said Howard Dean.  "He had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make a Constitution that's even better and clearer than our own, and he blew it.  Blew it!  This place could be a paradise where God is not allowed to be mentioned in any government documents or on any government property.  Healthcare could be provided free of charge and run by the most efficient organization in the world - the government.  And we could guarantee the rights of women across Iraq to choose what to do with their babies without interference from anyone.  I'm outraged!"

John Kerry Returns from China Space Mission

CHINA --- John Kerry returned to earth after a successful  journey on a Chinese spacecraft.  While the mission was supposed to be a secret, John Kerry was able to reveal some of the details.

"I remember the mission very clearly," said Kerry.  "It was Christmas day.  I was listening to the president state that we were not on the moon.  And there I sat.  On a Communist spacecraft.  Circling the moon."

A new group calling itself the NASA Veterans for Truth has begun an advertising campaign to take on Kerry's assertion that he was anywhere near the moon.  "We don't stand by Kerry," said a representative.  "We're here to make sure the truth gets out.  Just because he wears that Smurf suit doesn't give him the right to smear our good names."

PETA Recommends Killing Romanians to Save Birds from Flu

ROMANIA --- As Romanians struggle to contain the outbreak of a new bird flu, PETA executives called for steps to be taken to kill all Romanians to prevent more birds from dying.  PETA's goal is to stop the senseless death of birds who are dying from a flu spread by humans to the helpless things.

"We must take action immediately to stem the tide here," said Avian Amore of PETA.  "We're calling on the UN to begin killing Romanians so that these birds can be spared before it's too late.  If they start now, we might be able to save them."

Bush Withdraws Miers Nomination in Favor of Jesus

WASHINGTON, DC --- Frustrated by all of the questions by conservative groups about the conservative and Christian values of Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, President Bush announced today that he was withdrawing her nomination in favor of Jesus of Nazareth.

"No one can question this man's conservative values or Christian beliefs," said Bush.  "He's pro-family, pro-marriage, pro-life, and has Christian values.  I think it's clear that this nomination should sail right through the Senate without any doubts about qualifications of beliefs."

Not everyone was thrilled by the nomination.  "This is so typical of this president," said Cindy Sheehan, professional America-hater.  "People forget that Jesus is a Jew.  This is just another attempt by the White House to bring in Zionist rule to the world.  That's the entire reason we're in Iraq.  It's clear they're taking over the world, and it's up to me, the spark that ignited the universe, to stop them!"