WASHINGTON, DC --- After Dennis Hastert had the audacity to change the holiday tree back into the Christmas tree this week, Congress voted to eradicate Christmas from all federal documents and rename the federal holiday "Festivus". The Festivus holiday will utilize a metal pole instead of a tree, and the celebration will not end until someone pins Dick Cheney during the feats of strength contest.
"Christmas is so insulting," said Hillary Clinton. "When the government says the word 'Christmas' it is essentially creating a state-sponsored religion. It is taking over Christianity just as the framers of the Constitution warned about. Festivus is not religious in nature. No one can be offended by it. Ulysses S. Grant really screwed up when he made Christmas a holiday in 1870. He obviously had no idea how much the Founding Fathers would disapprove of such a thing."
Steel Aluminum pole manufacturers around the world rejoiced at the news. (Credit to Calboy for the correction)
I don't know if I'm just in a bad mood, or stressed from the season, or what, but for some reason I just want to slap the living shit out of Hillary Clinton.
Posted by: Michael | November 30, 2005 at 11:14 AM
LOL I couldn't agree more and just posted the same kind of thing in my own blog about another topic, "fixing Iraq". Though Festivus would make a great holiday with the "feats of strength" contests. FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US!
Posted by: overlord | November 30, 2005 at 01:45 PM
Good Lord!
(This expression is not intended to signify any religious connotation but merely an expression of profound disbelief of the stupidity of the likes of Sen Clinton.)
Posted by: Tim | November 30, 2005 at 02:04 PM
I propose the following as the Festivus Carol. No one can be offended by it and everyone can enjoy it equally: medium volume spread spectrum white noise. I'll have to figure out another word instead of "white" noise, but you get the idea. We can play a minute of this white noise before the feats of strength contest.
Posted by: | November 30, 2005 at 11:17 PM
Just for the record, the Festivus pole was made of aluminum, to quote George's father, "for it's high strength to weight ratio".
Posted by: Calboy | December 01, 2005 at 09:44 AM
Instead of "White" noise, I recommend "Ecru".
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=ecru
Posted by: Eric J Smith | December 05, 2005 at 05:24 AM
i got this weird mental picture of hillary, bare-arsed, pole dancing on the "festivus pole." excuse me while i have a drink, or several to blot that out of my mind. (shuddering)
Posted by: "gunner" | December 05, 2005 at 12:41 PM