WASHINGTON, DC --- After Dennis Hastert had the audacity to change the holiday tree back into the Christmas tree this week, Congress voted to eradicate Christmas from all federal documents and rename the federal holiday "Festivus". The Festivus holiday will utilize a metal pole instead of a tree, and the celebration will not end until someone pins Dick Cheney during the feats of strength contest.
"Christmas is so insulting," said Hillary Clinton. "When the government says the word 'Christmas' it is essentially creating a state-sponsored religion. It is taking over Christianity just as the framers of the Constitution warned about. Festivus is not religious in nature. No one can be offended by it. Ulysses S. Grant really screwed up when he made Christmas a holiday in 1870. He obviously had no idea how much the Founding Fathers would disapprove of such a thing."
Steel Aluminum pole manufacturers around the world rejoiced at the news. (Credit to Calboy for the correction)