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Federal Government Changes Christmas to Festivus

WASHINGTON, DC --- After Dennis Hastert had the audacity to change the holiday tree back into the Christmas tree this week, Congress voted to eradicate Christmas from all federal documents and rename the federal holiday "Festivus".  The Festivus holiday will utilize a metal pole instead of a tree, and the celebration will not end until someone pins Dick Cheney during the feats of strength contest.

"Christmas is so insulting," said Hillary Clinton.  "When the government says the word 'Christmas' it is essentially creating a state-sponsored religion.  It is taking over Christianity just as the framers of the Constitution warned about.  Festivus is not religious in nature.  No one can be offended by it.  Ulysses S. Grant really screwed up when he made Christmas a holiday in 1870.  He obviously had no idea how much the Founding Fathers would disapprove of such a thing."

Steel Aluminum pole manufacturers around the world rejoiced at the news. (Credit to Calboy for the correction)

Sheehan Writes New Book at Book Signing

CRAWFORD, Texas --- Cindy Sheehan had some down time during her book signing this week and managed to write a new book while hoping for fans to show up.  Her new book, titled "Look at Me!  I said Look at Me, Damn It!!!" will be released next week.  The book signing will be held in front of a Safeway grocery store, and each copy will come with a free puppy.  Bush was blamed for the low turnout at the recent book signing.  And Halliburton.

GOP Leaders Rush to Doctors with Abnormal Growth Scare

WASHINGTON, DC --- GOP leaders in DC rushed to their doctors after many were scared by a large, abnormal growth in their bodies.  The scare happened immediately following a vote in the House to force Democrats to shut their pie holes and say 'yes' or 'no' about withdrawing troops from Iraq and backing a senile war hero named Congressman Murtha.  Fortunately for the congressmen, doctors determined the abnormal growth was only a spine.

"I had to do the tests twice to confirm the results," said one doctor.  "I haven't seen a growth like this in a GOP patient in a long time.  I told my patient not to worry about it as I'm sure it will go away in a few days."

San Francisco Struggles to Keep Up with Massive Gun Return by Gang Members

SAN FRANCISCO, California --- After San Francisco voters banned guns in the most recent election, city officials say they are struggling to keep up with the massive amount of guns being voluntarily turned over by gang members and other criminals. 

"When I proposed this ballot initiative, I knew we'd rid the city of guns," said Supervisor Chris Daly.  "I guess I wasn't prepared for the massive turnout by local gang members so eager to give us their guns.  We're having to take away from resources in our pot farming initiative that passed in the last election in order to handle all of these guns."

Gang members were lined up for several blocks outside of a San Francisco police station in order to turn over their guns.  "It's the right thing to do, yo," said a gangbanger known as Fizzle.  "Da peeps in Frisco said no to guns, so we got no choice but to hand over that shizat.  Now I gots to go be an organic farmer or some shit like dat.  It ain't right.  I stole this .45 two years ago, and now I have to give it to the police.  It just ain't right."

The gun ban is so effective that police are reporting gang members and violent criminals from as far away as Bakersfield lining up to turn over their illegal and stolen firearms.  "I've never seen anything like it," said one officer.  "We've been talking about turning over our own guns, because we won't even need them any more.  This is exactly what we thought would happen, and it's just so amazing to see it actually coming to fruition."

Chinese Spies Busted, Took Sandy Berger Espionage Training

LOS ANGELES, California --- A group of Chinese spies who were busted by US authorities admitted that Sandy Berger trained them in espionage.  A random underwear and sock search turned up the stolen documents.

"These guys were trained by the best," said an undercover agent.  "They knew exactly how to stash documents and disks in their underpants and in their socks.  It's known as the 'Berger Technique' in the spy industry, and these individuals admit that they attended 'The Sandy Berger School of Underpants Espionage' held in Washington DC a few months ago."

The Chinese spies said that they believed that they would only be scolded and asked never to do it again if they were ever caught.  Just like Sandy Berger. 

Crime Drops after Assault Weapons Ban Expires, Boxer Cries

SACRAMENTO, California --- Since the news media was too busy reporting on Bush being to blame for the bird flu and heart disease, they missed an important report that showed lifting the assault weapons ban a year ago not only didn't increase crime, but murder and violent crime rates actually fell for the first time since 1999.  When news finally reached Capitol Hill, Barbara Boxer cried. 

In New York City

I was in NYC this week and have been unable to post anything.  More next week!

News From Iraq XIII

Greetings to Everyone:

I hope everyone has had a good week and has utilized the Veterans Day Holiday to remember and give thanks to those men and women who have served this country so much especially those who paid for the price of freedom with the ultimate sacrifice, their lives.  You know I always knew that freedom isn’t free and that members of the armed forces and their families have done and continue to do a lot for this country.  But it never impacted me as greatly as it has with this experience in Iraq.  I have been able to see first hand how much of a sacrifice this is.  Seeing it on a news clip or even observing training on a military base back home does not bring to bear how much of a demand war is on any person.  This week I had to travel to a forward operating base and experience the dusty roads and living conditions, the availability of only chemical latrines, bottled hand cleaner (no water), crowded living conditions, and scarcity of every day goods.  And these conditions are not just for a week or two, they carry on through a soldier’s entire deployment.  Naturally, I was told that this base pales in comparison to the FOB’s on the Syrian and Iranian borders where they don’t even have blast walls or cement barricades, just sand bags and barbed wire, and the soldiers live in tents through the heat of summer to the cold of winter.  I’ve only had to stay in those tents for several nights and, believe me, it is no fun.  I also think of the living conditions for soldiers during Viet Nam, Korea, WWII, and WWI and it really starts to hit me the thanks and gratitude that we really owe these people.  If you haven’t already, please just take a moment or two and say a prayer of thanks to all of those who have served; those who served and lived, and those whose sacrifice cost them the ultimate price.  On their behalf, I thank you.

I had several interesting experiences this week.  First, our Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice paid us a visit.  She’s a very gracious woman.  Of course when she departed, her plane was escorted by jet fighter planes flying at low level.  We didn’t think of this until after one of the jets flew over the palace and we thought it was a rocket attack.  Needless to say when I heard that roar, I immediately dove on the floor in front on a desk.  It happened so quickly it was over before it started.  I tried to get a few pictures of her but the Palace Rotunda was packed. 

As I said I went to a forward operating base and traveled by helicopter.  After we finished our meeting around 13:00, we went to the PX for about 45 minutes.  The wind was blowing and it was dusty but primarily from the roads.  When we came out, the dust had socked in just like the fog in San Francisco when it comes in at evening time.  Our scheduled helicopter flight back to the IZ was cancelled and we were thinking we were going to be stuck at the FOB without a place to bunk down for the night.  Fortunately, I have a British friend who is fairly high up in the Department of State’s Iraqi Advisory Function who was also stuck.  He arranged an alternate helo ride at about 19:00.  It was the first time I’ve ridden in a Blackhawk at night.  For obvious reasons, the helicopters (and planes) don’t fly with any lights on and IT IS DARK.  In fact, they are so dark that the only reason why you know they are in the air is because of the engine noise.  The lights are turned on only for lift off and landing when they are about 100 yards off the ground.  It was neat to see Baghdad at night but I was just glad to be back “home.”  I was covered with dust.  I was also pretty grimy from my first ride in a military Humvee.  I can guarantee you it’s not like the civilian version.  The machine gun turret is actually pretty interesting.  It swivels with an electrical engine which the machine gunner can operate with his/her hips if necessary.  They have a canvass sling so the gunner can sit and not have to continually stand.  It is a requirement that a Kevlar helmet must be worn any time one is traveling in military equipment.  Naturally, we had our helmet and vest along with everything else.  (You just don’t leave home without those things.)  I can definitely see why a helmet is a necessity.  There are a lot of metal parts with edges all around the interior of the Humvee that could really hurt a head or neck bad even if one was bounced about a little bit the wrong way.  I also got a taste of military protocol in the forward operating base.  Here in the I/Z soldiers are required to salute senior ranking soldiers and I go into offices of officers with the rank of major all the way up to general.  No one gets real excited and basically goes about the business at hand.  However, at the FOB I and another special agent were meeting with a major who was the company commander.  Every office we went into, his sergeant first class would enter first and say “Atten-Hut, Commander in the Room,” and everyone would immediately stand up and salute.  Then they’d see me and the other special agent with our guns and badges and you could just see the looks depicting the thoughts “Uh Oh ---somebody’s in real big trouble now.”  Actually we were there for their assistance with some evidence.  During the day, one sergeant walked in to the office where we were located, saw us, and said “whatever anyone said, I didn’t do it.”  We just laughed.  I had to wonder about him though as the armory tag on his M-16 was still attached to the front sight shroud.  I’m sure they are more fearful of a rocket or mortar attack at the FOB but still, I would not have left that tag on the weapon just in case he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  It would be tough sighting on a target with that tag flapping around.   

I don’t believe I mentioned this in my last letter but I had the opportunity to taste Pakistani food.  I had attended a meeting with several other agents and the meeting had logistical problems.  It’s conducted by satellite and it just wasn’t working good.  When the meeting was over, it was well past when the DFAC closes.  We walked in and one of the cooks said he’d make us something.  In that he was eating his dinner, we didn’t want to bother him.  He said all they had was the worker’s food and that it was very spicy.  We said that’d be fine.  So we helped ourselves.  You should have seen the Pakistani workers staring at us when we started to eat.  We sat right next to them.  They couldn’t believe we were eating their food.  I tell you it was very hot and spicy but it was very tasty.  If I had to describe it, I’d say it is a combination of East Indian (curry seasoning) and Mexican (hot pepper).  They use flat bread but one could use a tortilla just as well.  The Pakistanis can be a very warm people.  It’s pretty amazing that some are really dark skinned while others are extremely fair.  I feel so bad for the ones who lost their homes and are facing a devastating winter.    Talk about a test of what one is made of!!!  That would have to be it. 

I must say I need to vent a little and voice my utmost displeasure with the CA citizens of the City of San Francisco.  Honestly, the majority of that city is so far into “La-La” land, they’ll never get out.  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing listening to the late Joseph Alioto’s daughter who’s on the city council or something on the news spouting off about a gun ban and that San Francisco is the City of Peace and she can find a better way to protect herself.  It’s rather obvious she comes from a very pampered environment and has no clue of what it’s like to live out in Hunter’s Point Bay View or down on outer Divisadero.  I worked those areas when I was a rookie agent.  There are a lot of decent people that live in those areas and they have a right to be able to defend themselves and not fall prey to the hoodlums prowling about.  I could take it up to the point when she said San Franciscans don’t really consider themselves as part of main stream America and by voting as such wanted to be separate and apart. Then I just got steamed.  I certainly wish she was with me this week especially when I was interviewing an Iraqi telling me about how people he thought were street thugs or insurgents had come to his house and told him they wanted his house and to move out or to pay them money to leave him and his family alone or be killed.  He also told of another person who was told to leave his house because the insurgency needed it.  You’re talking about young people in their early 30’s with small children who are trying to work and make a living and just live in peace.  I saw the outright fear in his eyes and the despair on his face in that he has no reasonable way to defend himself.  He’s looking for me to help when I have no jurisdiction.  (I’ll never forget his eyes.  They are seared in my memory.)  He has trouble concentrating on work because he fears for his family’s well being while he is away.  The police obviously can’t be everywhere and are not sophisticated enough to consider working a sting operation.  (There’s simply not enough of them to go around.) The police like in most places by appearance have a deterrent effect but typically don’t outwardly stop crime in progress.  Most times they are proving the cases or preventing escape of the perpetrators after the crime has been committed.  I haven’t seen these Iraqis for about 4 days now.  I don’t know if they left town with their families or were killed.  I simply don’t know.  I would love to have Ms. Alioto express her views are gun control to these two people.  The point of this is that we, as American people, shouldn’t be so cavalier about our constitutional rights allowing politicians to take away those rights simply because it makes them think they are doing something good when, in fact , they aren’t do anything but eroding liberty.  Think back several hundred years, quite a few people (citizen soldiers) sacrificed their lives for those rights.  We owe them the respect of at least doing our best to hang on to them.  Anyway, opinions are like a mouth and another anatomical part, everyone has one and now you’ve heard mine.      

I just met an Italian Army Colonel tonight.  He sat at our table in the DFAC and had dinner.  He was all alone so I was talking to him in Italian.  He spoke very good English.  Hopefully we’ll meet again.  His uniform consisted of three stars down the front and the other special agents asked me to ask him in Italian if he was a three star general.  (This was before we knew he spoke English.)  He laughed and informed us, he was a colonel and not a general. 

We had a rocket come into the compound today just as we were getting back from the Al Rashid hotel.  It landed but did not detonate.  Thank God for duds.  However, we were stuck at a check point for about 30 minutes.  They had trouble locating it.  They found it and then the DOD guys detonated it.  It sounded rather puny but one never knows.  It’s always nice to be able to tell the story about the one that didn’t go off!!

Well, I think that’s about it.  It’s getting late and I need to call it.  I’ve got some more work to do before I head for the hooch.  In the meantime, my best regards to all of you.  Take care.  Bob

French Blame Riots on Bush

PARIS, France --- French officials have finally determined the reason for the terrible riots taking place there: George Bush. 

"We have determined that George Bush is responsible for the riots here," said Pepe Le Pants of the French government.  "People are very upset that he did not appoint a Hispanic lesbian Communist to the Supreme Court and instead appointed yet another white male.  We also think he sent some Katrina refugees here who are continuing their looting and violence thanks to American racism.  Bush will stop at nothing to destroy the world.  We suspect Bush is also responsible for our 23% unemployment rate amongst youth, but we haven't quite made the connection yet.  But very soon I have no doubt we will."

News From Iraq XII

Greetings All:

First let me thank those of you who have been sending me e-mails with well wishes, prayers, and photographs.  I’ve really enjoyed them all and thank you for the prayers.  It’s a great feeling knowing that so many people care so much.  Gee, it’s great to be so well liked.  I hope all are doing well. 

Things have been a little active this week but the things that go boom have diminished.  Friday night was interesting.  It was the end of Ramadan for the Muslims (at least most of the Muslims) and the rifle fire was continuous until about midnight.  We are presuming it was celebratory fire but it didn’t sound all that far away.  The blast walls are only about 100 yards or so off of the Tigris River and I think the Tigris may be 200 yards wide.  It sounded like some of the fire was coming from right in the IZ but we didn’t have any intel to that effect.  However, there are a lot of Iraqi families that live in the Green Zone and do have AK’s so it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that some of that fire was coming from them.  As most of you historically know or have recently grasped, I do appreciate firearms.  But I cannot for the life of me see the logic of celebratory fire for special occasions, i.e. Holidays, Weddings, Birthdays, etc., and this is in a city of 8M people no less.  I mean it would be worth it to invest in ammunition that shoots blanks so as to minimize the possibility of injuring someone or doing property damage. 

Ramadan is very interesting.  We learned a little bit about it from our translator.  I won’t provide even her first name in that this letter goes over the Internet, secure as it supposedly is.  During Ramadan when I wake up in the morning starting around 4:00 A.M., you hear this chanting over a loud speaker.  Now this has got to be really loud because you hear it clear in the IZ and the Mosque minarets are in the Red Zone.  The chantings are actually prayers from the Koran and a call to eat and drink before dawn.  There is total fasting from sun up until sun down and that includes water as well.  The chantings start up again just before sundown.  This isn’t bad when Ramadan falls during the time frame of the fall or winter.  But Ramadan cycles with the moon and the days, so there are times when it falls during the summertime.  Last year it fell between August/September.  Now to go all day without even water when the temperature is around 120 degrees has got to be really something.  I don’t know how people could work outside and endure without cooking their innards.  Our translator also told us the fasting includes anything to do with the body including kissing and whatever else follows.  Oh my!!!!!  Oh I almost forgot.  I learned also that Ramadan stops for most Muslims on one day but that the Shia Muslims celebrate the end of Ramadan a day later.  I am told that is because the Shias want it that way.  I really don’t begin to understand the difference.

I had some good experiences this week with some Iraqi contacts.  It always makes me feel good to see some people making progress and having faith to carry on and make a democratic process work.  I am continually amazed at how they carry on even though the danger threat is always there.  However, you can see the prejudices right before your eyes.  I have a contact who is a Sunni who saw me and another agent in a coffee shop interviewing another contact who is a Kurd.  It was obvious that the two immediately didn’t want any interaction.  There’s no difference in skin coloring or anything outward that I could see, but there was no inclination to acknowledge the presence of one another or even say anything.  I’ve heard of that but I had never seen it up front and personal.

We had some funny times this week.  As I’ve said before, SIGIR Criminal Investigations is comprised of retired special agents from other agencies but we do have one former Army CID special agent who is about 35.  Patrick is married and his wife is pregnant so I don’t think he’ll be here more than another month or two.  Patrick is in really good physical shape but he is young enough to still enjoy the junk foods of life.  Pat came in this week and had gone to the PX.  In a bag, he had a bag of Lays Potato Chips and a can of French Onion Dip.  This was on the window shelf behind his desk.  The rest of us will take fresh fruit from the DFAC and snack on that.  While Patrick was gone, we removed the chips and dip from the bag and replaced it with about a dozen pieces of fresh fruit.  When Patrick returned to the office, we were a little quiet but did say hello.  Patrick walks to his desk, immediately spots the bag filled with fruit which was in the exact same location that it had been for several days, and starts yelling that he doesn’t eat this #!@%^ and where is his junk food.  He goes on that he wouldn’t be caught dead watching football eating fruit.  Of course, we are all laughing uncontrollably and he starts picking out the agents that did this by identifying us by the type of fruit we eat.  He said if we were bank robbers, we might as well leave our driver’s licenses at the location where we stole the money because we’d be caught anyway.  Needless to say it was very funny to us.

Next, if I can find the uniform directive, I may try and send it to all (if it’s not classified or otherwise restricted).  I guess there’s a new sergeant major in town who has decided that the IZ has to be a little more spit and shine.  Now you need to understand that there are a lot of desk jockeys here, present company included, that are not in the RZ every day.  But there are also a lot of military personnel that are on patrol, at check points, and/or are involved in the fighting as well.  This directive comes out that prohibits certain sun glasses, not mixing gym clothes, not having anything in one’s mouth while walking including chewing gum, and that all head gear will be removed once one enters a building.  This is only a small part of the rules, it goes on for several pages.  This directive came out earlier in the week.  Yesterday, I was walking down the hall and noticed a soldier with a bomb detection dog.  The soldier was in proper uniform with his campaign hat removed in doors.  His dog (a German Shepherd) was wearing the campaign hat!!!  You should have seen this dog.  He was so proud that he had that hat on.  I told the soldier that I thought the dog looked great.  I wished I could have photographed him but I wouldn’t want to make an issue.  I just hope he didn’t get into any trouble over it.  I enjoy the levity because what I think should be dealt with in a serious vein is people here taking money for their own personal benefit while our military is in harm’s way but then again the military succeeds on discipline so I can’t fault that either. 

The other incident wasn’t so humorous but it bears mentioning.  On Halloween Night, some brain child decides it would be really neat to set off firecrackers right behind the palace between the palace and the DFAC.  That’s not a real cool thing to do in a war zone environment with everyone walking around armed and a little on edge.  Thank God no one was hurt and no one got trigger happy. 

Our choir is getting smaller.  For All Saints Day, we had no accompaniment so I was switched to lector by our liturgical minister, Susan.  Susan is totally Catholic educated, a former Marine, former FBI and retired DCIS special agent.  Now I’ve been in the choir and now I’ve been a lector.  Next will be Eucharistic Minister.  Here all such positions are armed and, yes, Susan is armed as well.  The only one not armed is Father Dennis but he has a body guard. 

Well, that’s all the news for this week.  Please enjoy your week and thanks again for your thoughts and prayers.  Bob