USA --- The Illinois Fighting Illini and North Dakota Fighting Sioux have announced plans to change their mascots after the NCAA ruled their Indian mascots were too offensive to be shown on television. The decision was unrelated to the other recent NCAA actions requiring all teams who want to be televised to offer free abortions on campus and have at least one former terrorist enrolled as a student.
Illinois announced that their new mascot will be the Organic Soy Milks. It was the least offensive mascot that the university could find. The University of North Dakota went one step further and has petitioned the state of North Dakota to change its name, since it is named after the Dakota Indians. The new state name will be North Plains. And their mascot will be the Natural Spring Water Ice Cubes.
Officials at both universities thanked the NCAA for being the moral compass for their organizations. The NCAA is considering a ban on all animal mascots next after multiple complaints from PETA that these poor animals are being exploited.