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UN Scolds Israel for Killing Civilians Who are Non-Jews

UNITED NATIONS --- The United Nations released a scathing statement condemning Israel's killing of non-Jewish civilians in an accidental missile strike.  After confirming that the killed civilians indeed were not Jews, the UN expressed its outrage against Israel.

"Israel has missed its target and killed innocent civilians," said Kofi Annan.  "We are outraged and find this act unforgivable.  The accidental targeting of non-Jewish civilians  must be punished.  Israel needs to take a page from the book of Hezbollah and purposely target Jewish civilians instead.  That is the only way they can avoid the wrath of the United Nations if they kill civilians.  That is the only way they can avoid the condemnation of the world community.  They must kill Jews instead of non-Jews.  You would think these stupid Israelis would know that by now."

French Find Unknown Substance in Landis Blood Sample

PARIS, France --- Tour de France officials announced that they discovered an unknown chemical substance in winning rider, Floyd Landis's blood sample.  The chemical, known as testosterone, is apparently a male sex hormone associated with power and aggression.

"We do not know this, this testosterone," said Tour Official, Pepe le Panz.  "We will need to examine it much more closely, as it is not produced naturally in the people of our country.  We will study this testosterone, but I believe it gives non-Frenchman too big an advantage in the race.  Only women will be allowed to compete against the French in future races."

Nobel Peace Prize Winner Wants to Kill George Bush: Terrorists and Murderous Dictators Okay Though

AUSTRALIA --- Betty Williams, a former Nobel Peace Prize winner, told a group of school children today that she "would love to kill George Bush" because children die in Iraq.  When asked if she felt the same way about Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, and former Communist rulers, Ms. Williams was not as angry.

"Look, George Bush is the most evil human being on the planet," said Williams.  "His bombs injured thousands of innocent people while liberating Iraq.  It's irrelevant that Saddam Hussein murdered, tortured and raped a couple of people.  Osama bin Laden and these so-called terrorists are only killing people in reaction to the terrorist policies against the Muslim world.  Communist rulers were only doing what was necessary to implement the perfect model of human civilization.  Their motives were pure.  I'm tired of people asking me why I don't get angry at rulers who don't respect human rights, murder and torture their citizens, and wage war on peaceful countries.  I think it's pretty clear that none of these people is George Bush."

No War Between Israel and Hezbollah if Kerry Had Been Elected

DETROIT, Michigan --- John Kerry revealed that he would have prevented the current conflict between Israel and Hezbollah had he only been elected president.  He later revealed the details of how that would have happened.

"This never would have happened on my watch," said Kerry.  "I know that sounds far-fetched, but Israel would probably belong to Hamas and other freedom fighting organizations by now had I been elected in 2004.  Hezbollah would have no reason to launch attacks on the evil Israeli empire today, because they would be a freedom fighting ally controlled by Hamas instead of a terrorist Zionist state.  The Iraq war would be over too.  We'd be gone from that country, and I would have just put Saddam back in power like the whole thing never happened.  We'd all be better off.  I'm ready to recall Bush and set the world back on a road to peace.  John Kerry, reporting for duty."

Gore: Don't Blame Lack of Tornadoes on Global Warming. Blame It on Ignorance

WASHINGTON, DC --- Were the news not being suppressed by the environmentally sensitive media, experts say the public would have been shocked to learn that Kansas and Nebraska had no tornadoes in the first half of the year for the first time since 1950.  Concerned that this inconvenient truth might lead people to think that global warming isn't really causing storms to get worse and more frequent, Al Gore explained the strange occurrence.

"People in Nebraska and Kansas are slow and dumb," said Gore.  "Because they are slow, global warming hasn't reached them yet like it has with the rest of us.  They're in what I like to call an environmental time warp.  It will take a few more years for global warming to catch up to these simple folks.  Then you'll be seeing tornadoes forming on an almost daily basis.  Don't be fooled by this news.  I'm an expert, and you can trust me on this one."

Democrats Introduce Adult Stem Cell Bill After Bush Vetoes Embryonic Bill

WASHINGTON, DC --- A tearful Barbara Boxer announced today that the President's veto of the recently passed embryonic stem cell bill will not deter them from killing human beings for scientific research.  She announced the introduction of a new adult stem cell bill that will require the government to fund research using adult stem cells from terminated adults.

"This president has not heard the last from us on this debate," said Boxer.  "If he won't make the government spend billions of dollars on a research that destroys embryos and has no existing cures, then we'll propose a bill that makes the government spend billions on research that destroys adults to get their stem cells.  There are dozens of treatments out there using adult stem cell research, so I feel we have a better shot with this one.  Killing just one adult for his stem cells could save the lives of thousands.  Our proposal calls for killing adults in the military for this research, since they are all ruthless killers themselves."

We're Just Like Cuba! San Francisco Approves Universal Healthcare

SAN FRANCISCO, Cubafornia --- Mayor Fidel Newsom bragged today that San Francisco will be the first American territory to implement a universal healthcare system like Cuba.  The Mayor lit up a medical marijuana cigar to mark the occasion.

"This is an historic moment," said Newsom.  "We will use money from our small businesses and from the local taxpayers to ensure that everyone in this city will never have to take responsibility for their own health.  No more a splinter from your finger in a dirty back alley.  If you have the sniffles, go to the hospital, not to bed.  All this for the low low price of $200 million per year.  At least that's what we're saying it's going to cost.  There's really no price you can put on healthcare, so this could be much more.  We'll be just like Cuba.  Everyone on the planet is dying to get to Cuba, because their socialized medical system is the best in the world.  Now they can come to San Francisco instead."

Liberal Thinktank Study: Poor Too Dumb to Save Money; Government Must Take Over Private Industry to Help

WASHINGTON, DC --- The Brookings Institute released an alarming study showing that the poor in America can sometimes end up paying thousands of dollars more for services than the middle class and rich.  According to the study, people who are "poor" tend to use check cashing services with high fees, pay higher mortgage rates due to bad credit, and purchase furniture on high interest accounts that ends up costing much more than for others who use regular banks, have good credit scores, or pay cash for furniture.

"The government needs to step in and take care of this," said Commie Greenstein of the Brookings Institute.  "Businesses take advantage of poor people by charging higher fees that cover their risk of doing business with people who have poor credit or don't have the means to pay back loans.  Most poor people aren't smart enough to find ways of lowering these fees on their own, so it's up to liberals in this country to help them out by having the government take over banks, furniture stores and check cashing facilities.  After controlling these entities, we can then immediately lower fees and interest rates to help the poor and raise rates for the wealthy since they can afford to pay it.  What kind of system charges more money to poor people than rich people for the same service?  It's absurd and needs to be brought to an end.  People have a right to pay lower fees and interest if they are poor.  If corporate America won't do it, we have a responsibility as a government to do it for them."

Israel Blames Military Response on Global Warming

ISRAEL --- In response to terrorist outrage for striking back at terrorists who kidnapped Israeli soldiers, Israel blamed their aggressive military response on global warming today.

"This heat is making us very irritable," said an Israeli spokesman.  "Al Gore was right.  We're in a crisis mode, and the hot weather is causing us to really get cranky and do ridiculous things like kill terrorists who kidnap our soldiers.  If only Bush had signed Kyoto, this all could have been avoided.  We blame Bush."

Al Gore was torn by the Israeli comments.  "I don't know what to say," said Gore.  "I'm not sure if I hate Israel or Bush more.  They both fight terrorists and are involved with global warming.  I'll have to ask Usha the tree goddess for guidance on this one and get back to you."

Al Gore Suggests Killing Half of Population to Control Global Warming

WASHINGTON, DC --- Fresh on the heels of promoting his new Global Warming Apocalypse movie, Al Gore announced that he had a serious solution to the Global Warming plight: human extermination.

"Think about it," said Gore.  "We breath in oxygen and breath out carbon dioxide.  All of that CO2 is polluting our mother earth and causing global warming.  If we could just allow groups like Al Qaeda and the Communists to take over, the earth's population could be cut in half and seriously reduce CO2 emissions.  I know Bush will never sign Kyoto, so this is our only hope.  We could lower the earth's temperature one degree in 50 years with this plan, and we could save 6 to 10 inches of shoreline.  Is it worth it?  You're gosh darn right it is."

Al Qaeda and Kim Jong-Il announced support of Al Gore's plan.  They proposed the Killinfidel Treaty, which was immediately supported by the United Nations to stop global warming.