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Democrats Plan to Use Elian Gonzales Raiders to Stop Iran

WASHINGTON, DC --- Now that Democrats control Congress, they have come up with a plan to deal with the nuclear threat in Iran.  Democratic leaders unveiled their plan today.

"We need to deal with this aggressive leader in Iran," said Hillary Clinton.  "Mr. Ahmapajamahead needs to be dealt with in a manner that works.  Not the way President Bush is dealing with the situation.  We will send in the same top assault squad that extricated Elian Gonzales under my husband's guidance.  And if that doesn't work, we will look into the ABC team that got the Branch Davidians.  Thank God we're back in power.  Now we'll get things taken care of."

Cheney Turkey Hunting Invitation to Kerry Was Botched Joke

TEXAS --- Dick Cheney was in trouble on Thanksgiving as he claimed his invitation to take John Kerry hunting for a Thanksgiving turkey was just a botched joke.  Kerry was not laughing.

"Really, I wasn't going to shoot him," said Cheney.  "It was just a botched joke.  Kerry knows it, and he's just trying turn it into something it's not."  John Kerry wants to press charges against Cheney.  "The vice president should be in jail for attempted murder," said Kerry.  "I am still wearing my old flak jacket just to be safe."

The new Democratic leadership didn't seem to be disturbed, however.  "We have no problem if Dick wants to take John turkey hunting," said Nancy Pelosi.  "I see no problem with it," said Harry Reid.  "In fact, I'd encourage it."

Botched Joke Causes Snow in Florida

FLORIDA, USA --- A botched joke wreaked havoc in America when snow fell in Florida today.  Scientists were alarmed by the development and believe global disaster may be closer than initially thought.

"This is really really really really serious," said noted scientist, Al Gore.  "The Bush Administration knows very well that this was a botched joke and that global warming is still alive and killing us all.  This administration will stop at nothing to destroy my credibility, and I will not apologize to anyone.  Al Gore, reporting for duty."

Feinstein Gets Tough with 49ers; Iran Takes Notice

SAN FRANCISCO, California --- Crowds cheered today as US Senator Diane Feinstein vowed to do everything she could to keep the San Francisco 49ers from moving down the street to Santa Clara, including legislation or lawsuits to prevent them from using the name 49ers or the city of San Francisco in their title.   Iranian leaders took notice of the tough stance by Feinstein.

"Now that Democrats control Congress, it's time to tackle some important issues," said Feinstein.  "Why a private organization thinks it can just up and move from a city and take that city name and heritage with it is beyond me.  I'll do whatever it takes to make them suffer if they decide to leave.  Next time maybe they'll ask my permission before making such a decision.  This serves notice to any other business in San Francisco that I'm coming after you with the strength of the Feds if you try to relocate without running it by me first."

An official within Iran also took notice of the event.  "This makes me very nervous," said the official, who wished to remain anonymous.  "Now that the Democrats are in power, they obviously intend to tackle the big issues of the day.  I fear our days of developing nuclear weapons might be numbered.  Bush was never so tough, and I think we may regret getting what we wished for with this election."

After Death Sentence, Saddam Claims Crimes Were Botched Joke

IRAQ --- After being sentenced to death for crimes against humanity, Saddam Hussein claimed he was the victim of a botched joke and not guilty of the charges. 

"The Bush Administration knows that the murder and torture of those individuals in 1982 was nothing more than a botched joke," said Saddam.  "I refuse to apologize to anyone for this.  Bush owes me and Iraq an apology.  He knows I am not guilty of these charges.  Bush is a disgrace, and I refuse to back down to him.  These charges do not pass the global test."

John Kerry Plans Swift Boat Rescue Mission for Stranded Soldiers

IRAQ --- After seeing a picture of soldiers in Iraq holding up a sign for help on Drudge Report, John Kerry announced his plan to put together a swift boat mission to save the soldiers.

"John Kerry, reporting for duty," said Kerry.  "I apologized for my botched joke, but now you can see plain as day that we have some helpless and uneducated soldiers stuck in Iraq who need my help.  I'm planning a swift boat mission to get those folks out of there.  If successful, I might get back the medals that were thrown over the White House fence all those years ago.  Tell those poor souls that I'm on my way.  They're fortunate that I can still understand the sign after the Bush education policy obviously failed to educate them."

John Kerry Booted From 'Last Comic Standing'

CALIFORNIA --- In a seriously misunderstood reality television episode, Senator John Kerry botched a joke about the intelligence level of our military and caused serious backlash throughout the country.

"Look, I botched the joke and the Bush people know it," said Kerry.  "This was my participation in 'Last Comic Standing', which is a reality television show.  Anyone who didn't get that is just a complete idiot and involved in a conspiracy against America and against John Kerry.  I will not let the Bush Administration spin this to their advantage.  They know I was on a reality television show and that the joke went awry.  The joke was supposed to go as follows:  'Knock knock.  Who's there?  Idiot.  Idiot who?  Idiot who was too dumb to finish school and ended up dead in Iraq from an illegal war that I voted for before I voted against the money for it.'  Bush and Rove know this, but they want to distort the truth and assassinate my character.  Everyone knows that I love the military.  Except all of those stupid murderers and rapists I testified about in 1971."

Kerry was voted off the reality show by the judges after his botched joke episode.  Producers said the joke was actually supposed to be about illegal immigration and that they are unsure what Kerry is talking about.