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Democrats Offer Plan for Free Showers and Shaving to African Americans

WASHINGTON, DC --- After Senator Joe Biden's comment that Barak Obama was popular because he was an African-American who was "articulate and bright and clean and a nice looking guy".  The comment gave Democrats a novel idea on how to lift African-Americans out of poverty and despair.

"I wish I thought of this sooner," said Biden.  "All we need to do is set up free make-over clinics with shower facilities, and we can solve the dilemma facing African-Americans in this country.  Once they're clean and nice looking, it will solve all of their problems.  If I had just thought of this sooner, imagine where the world would be today.  We need to get this program started immediately."

Kerry Takes Boxer Advice and Cries

WASHINGTON, DC --- John Kerry took Barbara Boxer's advice today and cried on the Senate floor as he announced that he would not run for president in 2008. 

"I was in favor or running for president in 2008 before I was against it," said Kerry.  "Then I just cried like a baby.  And it was all George Bush's fault.  Just ask Barbara Boxer.  She knows what I'm talking about.  Some people say that a powerful senator shouldn't cry in a public forum.  Well, that's just nonsense.  No Democrats would be allowed to be in the Senate if that was the case.  I'm glad I cried.  Crying is patriotic."

Rumors of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

SAN FRANCISCO, California --- No, I didn't die.  I'm not depressed and in seclusion after the Republican election spanking.  I didn't get put in jail for being a registered Republican in San Francisco.  Working a lot of hours and making some personal trips have prevented me from posting for awhile.  But I'm back!

Hillary Runs for President. Uses The Force as Campaign Weapon

NEW YORK, New York --- Hillary Clinton declared her candidacy for President in 2008.  Insiders say she has begun using "The Force" in order to convince weaker minded Americans to vote for her.

"That's ridiculous," said Hillary when asked about her use of "The Force."  "These are not droids you're looking for.  I was not involved with a failed socialist healthcare plan.  My husband did not cheat on me with an ugly intern.  Do not be fooled.  I am better looking than Barak Obama."

Obi Wan W said he indeed felt a disturbance in the force.  "I tell you, I did feel a disturbance in that Force thing," said Obi Wan W.  "Don't misunderestimate me.  I think I can get to the DNC Star and destroy it before they take over the universe.  I'm bringing Dick Cheney and his shotgun for backup.  May the Force be with you, buddy."   

US Sends Kerry into Space to Fight China Missiles

WASHINGTON, DC --- After China tested a missile in space this week, the US announced that it would send John Kerry into space to defend America. 

"John Kerry, reporting for duty!," said John Kerry.  "This is no botched joke.  I'm going into outer space to protect America from the Bush Administration's ally, China.  My exemplary military record and ability to translate swiftboat maneuvers into outer space maneuvers make me a great choice for this important role.  I'm looking forward to this mission, and I'll show the world that I deserved all of those medals. 

Democrats Set Up Prison Camps for Global Warming Skeptics

WASHINGTON, DC --- In a move aimed at stopping the destruction of the planet, Democrats announced that they will begin setting up prison camps for anyone who does not believe in man-made global warming.  They will begin filling up with global warming insurgents as early as February.

"It is time for us to take measures that will save all of humanity," said Nancy Pelosi.  "We can't wait around for these idiots to die off from the massive increase in temperature and massive flooding from rising oceans.  We need to be proactive and put them all in prison as quickly as possible.  I will not be ignored."

US May Give Insurgents Immunity to Testify Against Military

IRAQ --- President Bush announced that the government will consider giving full immunity to all insurgents who will testify against US soldiers in Iraq in order to put them in prison.  The move comes on the heels of a recent decision to prosecute two border patrol agents using the testimony of an illegal alien drug smuggler who was given full immunity for his testimony.

"We have a change in direction here," said Bush.  "After our losses in the election, it's clear that the American people believe America is the enemy.  It's time for us to start giving immunity to our enemies who will help put our military and law enforcement into prison for doing their jobs.  Be warned.  If you're a soldier or police officer, you'd better think twice about arresting a terrorist or illegal immigrant.  Especially an illegal immigrant terrorist."

Boxer Cries Over Saddam Hanging

WASHINGTON, DC --- Barbara Boxer was caught crying after hearing news that Saddam Hussein had been put to death. 

"This is just a very sad day," said Boxer.  "We've lost a key ally in the war against George Bush.  I'm beside myself with grief, and this is almost as bad as the day Bush won his second term.  I'm not sure I can go on..."

Scientists Say Weak Hurricane Season Was Botched Joke

WASHINGTON, DC --- After news that the hurricane season was very weak in 2006, scientists have scrambled to explain how the predicted global warming hurricane destruction did not materialize.

"The whole thing was a botched joke," said Dick Goldwinger of The Institute for Global Normalization Of Rain And Natural Trees (IGNORANT).  "President Bush knows what global warming really meant to do.  They're taking advantage of the situation and misrepresenting it for their own gain.  We will not apologize for this botched joke of a weak hurricane season.  We were for bigger hurricanes in 2006 before we were against them."