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US Tourist Kills Costa Rican Mugger, San Francisco Calls for Justice

COSTA RICA --- When news of a 70-year-old US tourist killing a Costa Rican mugger reached San Francisco, officials called for US authorities to seek justice for the mugger and his family since the Cosa Rican officials would not.

"This is an outrage," said Supervisor Chris Daly.  "If the Costa Rican authorities won't put this old thug in jail, it's up to federal officials to do it.  If an elderly tourist had killed an armed mugger with his bare hands in San Francisco, he'd be in jail right now.  Criminals have rights!  Especially non-white, non-American criminals.   I will not rest until this old man is rotting in prison for his crimes."

Pelosi Calls Bush to Complain About Cheney, Asks for Timeout

SAN FRANCISCO, California --- Nancy Pelosi was very angry over comments made by Dick Cheney about the Democrat Iraq Surrender Strategy (DISS), and called President Bush to register a complaint and ask him to put Cheney in timeout.

"He really hurt our feelings and misbehaved," said an irritated Pelosi.  "Dick Cheney needs to be put in timeout.  He really makes me mad.  And I'm tired of people calling me a tattletale just because I called Bush to complain.  Someone needs to put Dick in his place for debating us on Iraq.  That's just out of bounds, mister."

LA Times Careful to Keep CIA Agent Identities a Secret

LOS ANGELES, California --- The LA Times was very careful not to reveal CIA agent identities when reporting on a recent story involving the agents and a secret mission in Italy.  The Times was operating under new "Patriot Stealth" guidelines to ensure that no one has their identity compromised.

"We are very cautious about these things," said an LA Times editor.  "The last thing we want to do is reveal the identities of secret agents to potential enemies.  This is why we never ever ever use their real names.  Instead we use information that does not allow anyone to identify these agents.  Such as social security numbers, birth dates, family photos with their face blurred, and daily commute routines.  In rare cases we might give block they live to convey the important aspects of a story.  We want to prove to the Bush Administration and to the American people that we really want America to win and do not want to do anything that would reveal secret information to the bad guys."

Edwards Apologizes Calls Upon US to Bomb Israel

WASHINGTON, DC --- After saying that the biggest threat to world peace was Israel bombing Iran, John Edwards apologized for the comment and changed his position.

"I apologize for that statement," said Edwards.  "I should have just said that we need to bomb Israel before they bomb anyone else instead.  That is more proactive and shows we can take charge to stop war in the Middle East.  Israel is the danger, not Iran.  Israel is the enemy, not Syria, or Iran, or North Korea.  It's time to take action and show our Muslim brothers that we are united against a common enemy."

Democrats Announce Future Symbolic Votes

WASHINGTON, DC --- Flush with success from their recent symbolic vote against Bush's Iraq strategy, Democrats announced plans for future symbolic votes that will change the course of America.

Future Symbolic Votes:

• Disagreement with No Child Left Behind
• Outrage over domestic wiretaps
• Concern about doing something about Iran
• Demand to do something about ending terrorism
• "We hate tax cuts" theme
• Letting everyone know we hate Bush
• Opposition to allowing Dick Cheney to possess a shotgun
• Desire to declare war on global warming

"We're showing the people that they made the right choice when they swept us into office," said Nancy Pelosi.  "We want to show America and the world that we are doing everything we can to make a symbolic change.  The Whitehouse will get the message, and things will happen.  If they don't happen, will hold a symbolic vote demanding that they do happen."

Dems Vow to Support Troops by Cutting Funding and Troops

WASHINGTON, DC --- Democrats vowed to change the direction of the war in Iraq and began offering their plan.  No money.  Interrupt troop deployment.  Blame Bush.

"This is how you win a war," said Nancy Pelosi.  "Let's get one thing clear first.  We support the troops.  Period.  Even if they have wasted their lives as Barak Obama so eloquently put it.  We still support our troops.  And sometimes support means showing tough love.  We will have to cut off their funding, block deployments, and force them to slowly bleed as Congressman Murtha said.  And if we start losing ground, it's still all on Bush's hands.  The people wanted a change of direction in Iraq, and we will give it to them.  Bush lied.  People died.  Boxer and Kerry cried.  We root for the other side.  Tedd Kennedy is wide.  I just made that up off the top of my head.  Pretty good, huh?  May the God or Goddess of your choosing bless America."

Democrats Would Redploy Troops to Fight Global Warming

WASHINGTON, DC --- As debate begins today about Iraq, the Democrats unleashed a surprise change in policy for the use of US military.  They would like to redeploy the military to fight global warming instead of terrorism.

"The time has come to use our military muscle to fight the real enemy," said Senator Hillary Clinton.  "Global warming is the key to saving life on this planet.  What does it matter if we defeat terrorists when we'll all be dead in five years from global warming?  Want to win the war in Iraq?  Win the war against global warming.  Our plan will pull troops out of Iraq immediately and begin attacking global warming all over the planet.  We have the best trained personnel anywhere, and I know they can defeat global warming.  Even the terrorists can't hate us once we finish off this common enemy.  Fighting terrorists in Iraq doesn't make us any safer.  Fighting global warming does."

President Bush responded to the announcement.  "Hey, I've given in to the global warming zealots," said Bush.  "That's why our troops are in Iraq.  This is where global warming is at its peak.  Heck, they got summer temperatures that make Texas look like a glass of iced tea.  We're in Iraq, because that's where the global warming is.  If we fight it there, then maybe we won't have to fight it at home."

John Kerry had one comment during a press conference: "John Kerry, global warming warrior, reporting for duty." 

North Korea Ends Nuclear Plans for 24th Time

NORTH KOREA --- The world breathed a sigh of relief as North Korea finally agreed to stop its nuclear program.  Again.

"We have finally achieved our goal of ending North Korea's nuclear ambitions," said President Bush.  "Just like Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton, we have gotten North Korea's promise to stop nuclear development.  This time I think we got 'em.  I have a good feeling that they mean it this time.  They really are going to stop nuclear development.  For real.  I trust them.  Don't misunderestimate my ability to keep them to their word.  I'll send Cheney over there to go quail huntin if they misbehave."

GOP Manhood Stolen by Czech President

CZECH REPUBLIC --- Czech Republic President, Vaclav Klaus, was interviewed by a magazine and called man-made global warming a myth, Al Gore crazy, and environmentalism a new form of leftism.  GOP leaders immediately accused Klaus of stealing their manhood and demanded he return it.

"He has a lot of nerve," said John McCain.  "I'm stuck yapping about global warming, opening up our borders with Mexico, and instituting socialism.  Giuliani is talking about gun control and gay marriage.  Romney is bringing in socialized medicine.  This guy obviously stole our manhood and left us without any stones to take a conservative stance on anything.  We'll show him though.  I'm going to send John Kerry over there to arrest him and bring back our manhood."

Former Democrat Praises Communists, Terrorists, Nazis, if It Means Cheaper Oil

FLORIDA --- Joe Kennedy defended an attack by Congressman Connie Mack who accused him of cozying up to Hugo Chavez to get cheap heating prices for seniors.  Commercials for Kennedy's non-profit praised Citgo and Venezuela for helping provide cheap fuel, regardless of Hugo Chavez's threats against America.  He also accused Mack of being a hypocrite because he drives a car.

"This is just about cheap fuel," said Kennedy.  "If we have to get that fuel from Communists who hate America, terrorists who want to blow up America, or Nazis, it just doesn't matter.  This is cheap fuel for seniors, and we don't discriminate against anyone who wants to give us cheap fuel.  Congressman Mack is a hypocrite.  He drives a car, so he supports the destruction of all humanity through global warming.  How can he call me out?  Huh?  How can anyone who exhales carbon dioxide that destroys the world have the nerve to question if I get energy from murderers, terrorists, pedophiles or rapists?"