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Travolta Answers Critics of His Global Warming Hypocrisy

HOLLYWOOD, California --- John Travolta angrily addressed critics who called him a hypocrite for demanding drastic changes in people's lifestyles to fight global warming while owning five private jets.

"You guys are pathetic," said Travolta.  "I have a negative carbon footprint.  I paid someone to plant 637,000 trees last year to make up for my plane flights.  I donated money to several hundred Kenyans to hold their breath for at least two minutes every day in order to decrease their CO2 emissions so that I could run electricity to my 27 homes.  Global Warming deniers just don't understand that some things are even more important than global warming.  Like making movies, for instance.  Where would the world be if I could only make 2 movies each year because I had to fly on a commercial airline?  Plus, I have a phobia about sitting next to people who are poor.  I would have a severe anxiety attack flying on a commercial jet.  It would be discrimination to force me into that situation."

SF Leaders Ban Plastic Bags, Mull Next Options

SAN FRANCISCO, California --- The San Francisco Board of Supervisors voted almost unanimously to ban plastic bag usage in San Francisco within a year.  While being hailed by tree huggers worldwide, the Board said it was only the first of many future bans.

"We have a long way to go," said Supervisor Chris Daly.  "We would like to ban all car sales in San Francisco by the end of this year too.  Then we will ban all plastics, since they are made from petroleum products.  Next, all paper products will be eliminated to save the precious trees.  Eventually, everything in this city, including the buildings, will be made from hemp or dirt.  But we will only be allowed to use the hemp after asking for forgiveness from the hemp plant for taking her from this world.  We'll require the use of as much dirt as possible to save the lives of hemp plants.  It upsets me to kill a hemp plant, but I plan to plant at least three more plants for every one I destroy in order to help me sleep better at night."

Bank of America Issues Carbon Credit Card

USA --- Just weeks after marketing a credit card for illegal aliens, Bank of America announced a new carbon credit card that will allow customers to reduce their "carbon footprint" and fight global warming.  Customers can use regular ATM machines to purchase carbon credits from poor people who do not use as much energy. 

"If I want to use my jet ski, now I don't have to feel guilty about it," said Libby Limo of Hollywood, California.  "All I do is stop by the ATM on my way to the lake, and I can use my carbon credit card to have a family in Kentucky stop using electricity for the afternoon in order for me to enjoy life without destroying the world.  B of A simply facilitates the transaction and takes a modest 25% fee.  I don't have to change one thing about my life, and I'm still saving the planet.  Thanks Bank of America."

Gore Explains Global Warming to Congress

WASHINGTON, DC --- Al Gore came to Capitol Hill to explain global warming to Congress in simple terms that everyone could understand.  He compared global warming to a baby with a fever. 

"When your baby has a fever, what do you do?" said Gore.  "You don't ignore it and hope it goes away.  You fly that baby to the best hospital in the world on your private jet.  You buy that baby new organs on the Chinese black market.  You put that baby on a ventilator in a germ-free chamber with ten armed guards standing over him.  You also destroy that baby's enemies with everything in your power.  And that should explain global warming and what we need to do in order to stop it.  I estimate that it would only take $13 billion per person in America to start earth's healing process.  We have to move before it's too late."

Dems Show Terror Toughness, Invite Terrorists to White House

WASHINGTON, DC ---  Democrats proved that they would be tough on terrorism after taking over Congress by inviting a terrorist support group to visit the White House. 

"Sure CAIR had a couple of its past officers arrested for terror related charges," said Senator Harry Reid.  "And the fact that we're feeling comfortable enough to invite the group to the White House shows how tough we are on terror.  We plan to invite Hamas, Iraqi insurgents, and al Qaeda to the White House during 2007 as well.  Are the Republicans tough enough on terror to do that?  I don't think so."

Sports Illustrated Saves Humanity

BIZARRO WORLD --- The world breathed a sigh of relief as Sports Illustrated finally stepped up to the plate and fulfilled its role as social and scientific expert commentator on the issue of global warming.  Among some if its hard facts never before disclosed in the global warming crisis:

• Global warming had a 3.57 ERA during the 2006 season

• Al Gore signed Global Warming to a $22 million, one year contract for the 2007 season with an option for two more years

• Global Warming is picked to win the NL West this season

• Global Warming tested positive for an illegal substance in the 2006 season that will force him to miss the first 4 games of the 2007 season due to suspension

Now that Sports Illustrated has weighed in on this issue, all skeptics of man-made global warming have been compelled to change their opinion.  The debate is over, and Sports Illustrated has saved humanity with their unmatched scientific expertise.

Edwards: Jesus Would Vote for Me

CHAPEL HILL, North Carolina --- After claiming that Jesus would be appalled with America's selfishness, John Edwards revealed that Jesus would also vote for him to be the next President.

"Of course Jesus would vote for me," said Edwards.  "I'm the most spiritual candidate running.  I have brought in countless millions through my lawsuits to punish companies that make too much money.  I live a very humble life in a mansion that is about half as big as it could be.  I talk a lot about helping people.  I tell everyone that they need to do something about helping people.  Especially if it means raising taxes and using the government so that individuals don't have to bother.  Jesus isn't just a Democrat.  He's an Edwards Democrat."

Hillary Blames Southern Accent on Bush Spy Program

SELMA, Alabama --- When Hillary Clinton intoned an unusual Southern accent during a speech in Alabama this week, it turns out the senator was not remaking herself but instead was thwarting the Bush domestic spy program.

"People who think I picked up that accent just to appeal to Southerners are 100% incorrect," said Clinton.  "Everyone knows that Bush is spying on everyone.  Especially me.  I often disguise my voice in order to avoid detection by his domestic spies.  You might here me speaking Ebonics, with a Brooklyn accent, a Southern accent, or even in Spanish.  That's the only way I can avoid Bush's prying ears."

Countries Allow Lazy People to Sell Carbon Credits to Athletes

WORLD --- A worldwide push is underway already to set up a market that allows companies who produce less carbon emissions than their "cap" to sell credits to companies who produce more than their "cap" on emissions.  The program is such a fantastic idea that countries are now forcing citizens to be part of a human CO2 cap trading market.

Since athletes expel more CO2 than the normal human being, they are over their emissions cap by a considerable amount.  If they wish to continue participating in sports, they must purchase credits from couch potatoes who are under their cap limits for carbon emissions.

"This is all to help save the planet," said President Bush.  "I love to run and ride my bike.  That means I have to buy credits from people like Ted Kennedy and Al Gore to continue exercising.  Those guys obviously don't exercise, so I'll buy lots of CO2 credits from them to remain carbon neutral."

(Hat tip to Mr. Kevin, who has carbon credits to sell)

Al Gore Pool House Found on Mars, Causing Global Warming

TENNESSEE and MARS --- Just days after it was uncovered that Al Gore spends over $30,000 each year on energy for his home and pool house in Tennessee (20x more energy than normal human beings in the US), researchers determined that global warming that is happening on Mars is being caused by another pool house owned by Al Gore on the red planet.

"We've known that global warming was occurring on Mars for awhile," said a NASA scientist.  "We were just confused about how warming could be occurring on Mars.  Everyone knows that global warming is not natural.  It can only be man-made.  Just ask every major media outlet in the world.  The recent discovery of a remote pool house belonging to Al Gore by a Mars rover explains everything.  Al Gore is causing warming on Earth and on Mars.  In accordance with his own rules on global warmers, we must kill him in a carbon neutral manner in order to save two planets."