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Charlie Sheen and Rosie Accuse Bush of Destroying Freeway

OAKLAND, California --- A day after a freeway collapsed in the San Francisco Bay Area when a tanker truck caught fire, Charlie Sheen and Rosie O'Donnell accused President Bush of rigging the freeway with explosives to bring it down just like he did on 9/11.

"No way does a gasoline tanker melt a freeway overpass and make it collapse," said Sheen.  "George Bush obviously rigged the overpass with explosives to make it collapse.  This reminded me of a well orchestrated demolition.  Burning fuel does not burn hot enough to melt steel and destroy a whole freeway.  Bush was in on this.  Just like the World Trade Center.  This government will stop at nothing to promote their wars and kill as many people as possible.  Unfortunately for Bush, I'm on the case.  I understand physics.  Fire can't melt steel.  I tried burning a nail with a match, and that sucker just got hot and burned my finger.  No melting.  I repeat.  No melting."

Rosie O'Donnell echoed Sheen's comments.  "Bush did it," she said.  "We know he's guilty.  Him and Donald Trump.  I hate them both.  And their hair."

Reid: Economy is Lost

WASHINGTON, DC --- Just days after declaring "this war is lost", Senator Harry Reid resurfaced to declare that the economy is also lost.

"I believe... that this economy is lost, and this surge in the stock market is not accomplishing anything, as is shown by the extreme profits by corporations this week," said Reid.  "As I've been saying for years, claims of economic recovery are absolutely without basis in fact.  No one can call this economy healthy.  At least no one who has any sense about economics.  It's time to remove those Bush revenue reductions and get back to generating money for the Democrats to boost this economy and create real jobs that make real money with real union contracts."

"On a separate note," continued Reid.  "My keys are lost, and this search for them is accomplishing nothing.  Can someone give me a ride back to my mansion?"

Reid: War is Lost Taken Out of Context

WASHINGTON, DC ---  Senator Harry Reid furiously attacked reporters for taking his "this war is lost" comments out of context and insinuating he was referring to the war in Iraq.

"I'm furious about this gross misrepresentation of my comments," said Reid.  "I was not referring to Iraq.  I was referring to the Revolutionary War.  I just started reading about the number of soldiers we lost in that war and about all of the incredible mistakes made by General Washington.  We cannot win.  And it is absolutely not worth the lives that are being lost or the cost.  I am introducing a bill in the senate to surrender to England immediately in order to avoid further bloodshed.  In contrast, we have not yet lost in Iraq.  Not until Nancy Pelosi arrives to officially surrender to al Qaeda.  Cheerio."

Crow and David Hired by UN to Stop Global Warming

EARTH --- A day after the world was introduced to ingenious ideas to stop global warming by Sheryl Crow, the United Nations announced that it plans to hire Crow and her co-activist, Laurie David, to lend their scientific expertise to stop global warming and save humanity.  Crow advocated using one square of toilet paper per potty break and has a new clothing line with "napkin sleeves" to avoid the use of paper napkins with meals.

"We have some really cool and innovative ideas to save the world," said Crow.  "The toilet paper law was just one option.  I've got like so many ideas swimming in my head, and I just need some time to put them in a report or something so that the UN can start to save the planet.  For example, I think people should start exhaling into recycled paper bags, and those paper bags could be tied up with hemp rope, and then they could be collected and like sent to outer space on a rocket ship to reduce CO2 emissions from people.  Or how about this one?  Force plastic surgeons to surgically implant fish gills on anyone who wants them.  That way people can start living in the water and not pollute with their nasty CO2.  And I've got another one too.  Hire cowboys to lasso as much CO2 in the air as they can.  I mean like a bunch of it.  Enough to make a huge difference.  They can can then put it on the same rocket ship with all of the paper bags or something.  Or set it on fire if that doesn't harm stuff.  I'm not sure.  I have a million of these ideas, and I'm so so so excited.  I can't believe little ol' me is going to get credit for saving humanity.  This is like the most coolest thing I've ever experienced."

Laurie David, wife of comedian and Seinfeld producer, Larry David, is also known for her... uh, is famous for, um... has starred in, errr... has expertise on, uh.. is also being hired by the UN along with Crowe.  David was getting her nails done and was unavailable for comment.  Her publicist said she is "really really excited about kicking some global warming a**."

Pelosi Might Visit Iran to Surrender

IRAN --- Fresh off a trip to Syria, Tom Lantos says he and Nancy are seriously considering a trip to Iran as well.  Pelosi addressed the comments.

"Yes, I sure am considering a trip to Iran," said Pelosi.  "These guys almost have a nuke, and Bush is putting our lives at risk.  Someone needs to go there and surrender before they drop the bomb on us.  Bush is too busy fighting these stupid terrorists in Iraq to realize that Iran is about to kill all of us.  I want Amapajamahead in Iran to know that we pose no threat to his country.  We will not come after him like we did with Saddam.  Democrats will show this country that we are strong and that we know national security.  We will surrender before anyone gets hurt."

Democrats Propose Bill Making Global Warming a National Security Priority

WASHINGTON, DC --- A bipartisan bill is floating in Congress that will require the CIA and the Pentagon to assess the national security risks of global warming.

"There is no more important security issue than global warming," said Senator Dick Durbin, a sponsor of the bill.  "Terrorism is nothing compared to global warming.  We are wasting massive resources of our country's security looking for terrorists instead of figuring out how global warming will take over America.  We need to pull most of our top agents and military minds away from the global war on terror so that global warming doesn't take over the world right under our nose.  We understand the risks involved here.  Bush obviously does not."

Pelosi: Syria Trip Was Botched Joke

SYRIA --- Nancy Pelosi was furious as she addressed reports concerning her recent trip to Syria over the objections of President Bush.  The trip was apparently a botched joke.

"The White House knows this was just a botched joke," said Pelosi.  "They are the ones who are lying and making a big deal out of nothing.  Bush knows that I only went there as a joke.  Now he's twisting this into something it isn't and making me look bad.  Everyone knows it was a joke.  I might have botched it, but it was just a joke."

John Kerry Called Up for Swift Boat Mission to Rescue Britons

WASHINGTON, DC ---  While the world agonizes over what to do about 15 British sailors held by Iran, Democrats announced an action plan that will resolve the issue.  John Kerry will go on a swift boat mission to rescue the sailors.

"It might not seem prudent to make this mission public," said Kerry.  "But I'm just that confident in my abilities.  I want them to know I'm coming.  I want them to know fear.  I am reporting for duty."

Kerry's mission will be to deliver the very very very strongly worded United Nations statement condemning Iran's actions.  Kerry is waiting to get permission from Iran to enter their waters before embarking on his mission.  If permission is denied, Nancy Pelosi may deliver the note instead as she continues to befriend America's enemies by visiting Syria just down the street.  However, the entire plan is up in the air until Democrats determine if this mission will hurt the Bush Administration enough to proceed.