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Hillary Universal Health Care Proposal Confused with Al Qaeda Torture Manual

IRAQ --- A new manual once thought to be a torture manual for Al Qaeda in Iraq has now been confirmed instead as Hillary Clinton's plan for universal health care. 

"We made an honest mistake," said a U.S. military official.  "These images look like the work of Al Qaeda, but apparently Senator Clinton left behind several copies of her health care proposal that have found their way around Iraq.  We apologize for any confusion this may have caused, but there is evidence the terrorist might actually be using these plans for torture techniques anyway."

Bush Shuts Down ABC News, Sends in Military

NEW YORK, New York --- US liberals yelled a loud "I told you so" as Bush finally made good on their warnings that Bush would destroy free speech and destroy dissenters when he shut down ABC News and sent in the military. 

"We warned you that this would happen," said Danny Glover.  "This evil dictator will not allow anyone to speak out against him.  He will not tolerate dissent.  Anyone who speaks against him will end up in prison.  This country is lost, and we should look to the socialist systems of Cuba and Venezuela as examples of true freedom.  They take care of their people, and they are not run by Bush.  That's why I am making two movies with President Hugo Chavez.  He is a hero and an example of the kind of leadership America deserves."

Happy Memorial Day

Edwards Gives Speech on Solving Homeless Problem for Aspen Vacation Home

NORTH CAROLINA --- After news recently surfaced that John Edwards gave a speech on poverty for $55,000, the University of Colorado announced that Edwards recently gave a speech about solving the homeless problem in exchange for an Aspen vacation home.

"It was a fair exchange," said a university official.  "We had the money for the home in our budget, and we really wanted to know how to solve the homeless problem.  John is very familiar with this issue.  I mean, until this speech, John didn't have a home in Aspen.  He knows what it's like to be homeless.  So the main solution John gave us to the homeless problem?  Have homeless people give speeches at universities in exchange for new homes.  He's a brilliant man."

Senate Passes Al Qaeda Amnesty Bill

WASHINGTON, DC --- Just a few days after patting themselves on the back for a bi-partisan illegal immigrant amnesty bill, the United States Senate announced that they were so proud of themselves for creating the bill that they have now created an Al Qaeda amnesty bill as well. 

"We need to bring this group out of the shadows," said John McCain.  "They're hard working people just like the rest of us.  We need them.  They do the jobs that no Americans will do.  Who else is going to blow up major U.S. landmarks?  Certainly not Americans.  It's beneath us.  We surely can't deport them all, so we have to find a middle ground that will enable them to stay.  We will ask them to pay a $5,000 fine and then they can continue their jihad outside the shadow economy."

Kennedy and O'Donnell Mistaken for Lost Whales

SACRAMENTO, California --- As scientists frantically attempted to rescue two apparently lost whales in Northern California, eventually someone realized they had mistakenly been tracking Ted Kennedy and Rosie O'Donnell on a leisurely swim.

"This is a little embarrassing," said Gary Notticle, a marine biologist helping the wayward whales.  "These individuals were not responding to our efforts, and now we know why.  Ted and Rosie do appear to be off course though, so we're switching to sandwiches and vodka to point them in the right direction instead of using sound.  They will soon be lured to safety and back on course."

Pelosi Uses Jedi Mind Trick to Hide Record Tax Revenues

WASHINGTON, DC --- A surprised Nancy Pelosi held and emergency press conference after a report showed record revenue collection for April. 

Pelosi: This is not the tax revenue you're looking for.
Journalists: These are not the tax revenues we're looking for.   
Pelosi: You can go about your business.
Journalists: We can go about our business.
Pelosi: Move along.
Journalists: Move along.  Move along.

Terror Plot Was Just Botched Joke

NEW JERSEY --- The six men arrested in connection with a planned terror attack on Fort Dix claimed today that the entire thing was just a botched joke.

"This was clearly not a planned act of terrorism," said Elvir Duka, one of the arrested terrorists.  "It was clearly a plan that was directed at this administration.  Republicans know precisely what we were doing, and they're trying to turn this because they have a bankrupt policy.  It's their campaign of fear and smear.  It's the Swift boat stuff all over again."

Trees Form Coalition to Stop Al Gore

WASHINGTON, DC --- A worldwide tree coalition was formed today in an effort to stop Al Gore and his quest to curb carbon emissions.  The coalition, named Stop Gore, will begin urgent operations this week to stop Al Gore and his Communist revolution.

"We must stop this idiot," said Woody Barkroot, oak tree and president of the coalition.  "We need carbon dioxide.  We want warm weather.  We thrive in warm weather.  Maybe Al Gore stays nice and warm in his mansion with comfy heaters running year-round, but we have no such luxuries.  We see this as nothing more than Al Gore advocating population control.  While Al Gore himself probably creates more CO2 than 99% of the planet's population, his message is still dangerous.  He might actually convince people to destroy the economy, reduce carbon output, and thereby reduce our ability to thrive.  Make no mistake about it.  We think Al Gore is a terrorist.  We will find him, smoke him out of his hole, and bring him to justice.  If we can't stop him, the we'll just start our own oxygen reduction campaign.  We will find alternative methods to photosynthesis that will reduce oxygen emissions by the trees.  Let's see how Gore likes that."

Democrats Ask All Government Agencies to Study Impact of Global Warming

WASHINGTON, DC --- After Republicans chastised Democrats for proposing that intelligence funding be diverted to study global warming, Democrats explained their reasoning. 

"Look, this isn't about diverting funds from security," said Senator Joe Biden.  "We would like all government departments to allocate a portion of their budget to study the impact of global warming on their department.  For example, we would like the Department of Education to allocate $15 million to study how global warming will impact school students.  The IRS should spend $5 million to determine if people will become too hot to work enough to pay taxes.  The Pentagon must allocate $10 million to determine if the upcoming global warming will require them to purchase air conditioners for new recruits.  This is crucial to our security as a country."

(Hat tip: Mr. Kevin)