Jerhad!com

Obama Changes Name to Obama-Wan Kenobi After Rove Leaves White House

THE DEATH STAR --- Barak Obama made the shocking announcement that he is changing his name to Obama-Wan Kenobi now that Karl Rove has left the White House.  He claims to have felt a disturbance in "the force" when Rove left.

"I don't know how to explain it," said Obama-Wan.  "I just like felt a disturbance or something in the Force.  My wife thinks it was just the chili dog I had for lunch, but I believe it was much, much more.  It happened the moment I heard that Karl Rove had resigned.  I just felt an enormous disturbance in the Force, and I puked all over my shoes.  I think this means I'm Jedi Knight.  To have felt such a profound impact by Darth Rove leaving could only be explained by my Jedi roots.  With my new Jedi powers, I plan to use Jedi mind tricks to stop the war in Iraq.  I will use the Force to create more social programs than stars in the sky.  I will use the Chewbacca Defense if anyone ever accuses me of wrongdoing.  In fact, Hairy Reed can be the new Chewbacca.  Hillary can be Princess Leia.  And Ted Kennedy can be Jabba the Hut.  This is going to be awesome.  I am the new Jedi ruler of the world.  Unless it really was just a bad chili dog.  But I'm pretty sure it was the Force."

Bush Blamed for Looting After Peru Earthquake

PERU --- As looting and mayhem followed a devastating earthquake in Peru, Democrats pointed the finger at Bush claiming this was yet another example of his Administration's failure to deal with disasters.

"This Administration is clearly not prepared for crisis," said Senator Harry Reid.  "This is New Orleans all over again.  Looting, lack of resources, mayhem.  He can't try to blame a fine Democratic mayor this time around.  Who are you going to blame now, Bushie?  And this Administration now has the distinction of two disasters associated with their inaction on global warming.  This tragedy would never have taken place without global warming pushing up temperatures, which every scientist agrees will cause more tectonic plate shift.  I don't know how the man can live with himself.  I honestly don't."

Carl Levin: With Good News on Iraq Surge, Focus on Iraq Political Situation

IRAQ --- With good news about the recent military surge working in Iraq, Carl Levin made a trip to the region to address the poor political status of things within Iraq.

"Look, we lost our advantage talking about military failure in Iraq," said Levin.  "It's time for us to switch focus on the the failed political situation in Iraq.  If we start to become less effective militarily, we can switch back to criticizing that instead.  And if both situations get better, we can focus on the poor infrastructure that will never be as good as it is here.  Then we can focus on lack of rights for women in Iraq as a reason to leave.  Or the fact that they do not have a gay pride parade.  The people just need to know that we will never be successful in Iraq and should leave with Bush in disgrace.  If the things we previously used to call for retreat improve, then there are many other areas we can exploit to call for retreat."

This Marine Says It All

NYT Solicits Ideas for Terrorist Attacks on US; Winner Will Attempt on Reality TV

NEW YORK --- The New York Times published a blog soliciting the best ideas for terrorist attacks on America.  The winner of the contest will be given a contract for a reality television show in which they will be given the money and resources to attempt to pull of the attack.

"This is going to be a great combination of journalism and entertainment," said a NYT editor.  "We can't wait to see what kind of dastardly ideas our readers come up with.  Oddly, most of our entries are coming from Iran, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Iraq, and Harry Reid's office.  Our biggest concern is that a terrorist group steals one of these great ideas and successfully completes a massive terror attack before our winner can give his or her best shot at it.  But it's a risk we'll have to take."

UK Couple Praises Socialized Medicine for Erroneously Recommending Abortion of Healthy Baby

UNITED KINGDOM --- A UK couple personally thanked a hospital in Manchester for erroneously concluding that their son was going to be born severely disabled and recommending an abortion.  They were told the test was 99% accurate, yet they foolishly chose to go through with the pregnancy anyway and ended up with a healthy baby boy.

"We want to thank the hospital and the entire health care system," said Heather O'Connor, the baby's mother.  "I mean it really doesn't matter that we almost killed our healthy baby after the socialized medical system recommended he be aborted.  What matter most is that the health care and advice we received was absolutely free.  We didn't pay a shilling.  And had we chosen to kill our son, that would have been free as well.  Those poor Americans have to actually pay to get accurate advice.  It's very sad."   

756!

Pelosi 50 Most Beautiful, Editor Admits Being Threatened

WASHINGTON DC --- After The Hill listed Nancy Pelosi #4 on its 50 most beautiful people on Capitol Hill, a federal investigation was launched over the writer's allegations that Pelosi threatened to turn her into a newt if she did not make the list.

"She pointed her bony finger at me and said she would absolutely turn me into a newt if I did not put her towards the top of the list," said Betsy Rothstein.  "When I asked if she meant Newt Gingrich, Nancy hissed at me and that's when I knew she wasn't kidding.  That witch scares me.  A lot.  I never would have said a word about this, but apparently the only person who believed putting her on a list like this wasn't a hoax is some blind elderly man in Peoria, Illinois, who has dementia.  I will be put in a witness protection program and have asked for protection spells from a good witch to keep me safe."