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China Explains Refusal to Let US Navy Ship Dock in Hong Kong: Lead Paint

HONG KONG --- After distress over China's refusal to allow a US Naval ship to dock in Hong Kong for the Thanksgiving Holiday, and explanation was finally given to diffuse tension between the two powerful nations.

"We had a product recall on the port in question," said a Chinese military official.  "We got word from the US inspectors the day of the Navy request that the port contained a lead paint that is 3,750-times higher than allowed by US maritime law.   After further inspection, the port also contained small parts that could become a choking hazard for the sailors on board those ships.  The denial was regrettable, and the Chinese inspector in charge of the port has been terminated." 

After Stem Cell Breakthrough, Democrats Decry Plight of Unwanted Abortions

WASHINGTON, DC --- With news of scientists turning skin cells into embryonic stem cells, and thus negating the need for aborted fetal stem cells, Democrats were angered and frustrated.  Who will want the abortions now?

"How dare these scientists create such a monster," said Barbara Boxer.  "Did they even think about the abortions?  We have enough unwanted abortions that are not used for scientific research as it is.  This new discovery will create a massive increase in unwanted abortions.  I will introduce a bill in the Senate on Monday that will allocate $12 billion to encourage research on what else we can do with abortions in the laboratory.  If we don't act fast, the demand for aborted fetus matter could plummet.  What if that decreases the number of abortions?  What if some poor mother in the projects says 'hey, if no one is going to use my abortion to further scientific research, then I should just keep the stupid thing until it becomes a baby.'  We won't let that happen.  Not on my watch.  Not ever."

New Car Company Considers Car for Muslims

MALAYSIA --- A car company in Malaysia is reportedly considering a car made just for Muslims based on an Iranian design.  The car will be called the Allah Akbomb and should begin production early next year.

"This is a unique new car idea," said a company spokesman.  "The plush leather seats will be filled with soft C-4.  Buttons on the steering column will be wired to explosive triggers throughout the spacious interior.  Bullet-proof glass will prevent unwanted bullets from entering the cabin while flying through military checkpoints.  An Osama figurine on the dashboard always points towards Mecca.  It even has an infidel alert security system that alerts the driver when Jews and Christians are in the area.  We anticipate very high demand in the Middle East and in San Francisco."

Boy Scouts Imprisoned for Supporting Troops

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts --- Cambridge officials arrested and detained Boy Scouts in their town after a project to collect goods at voting locations to send overseas to the military.  The arrests averted near disaster.  All items collected by the Boy Scouts will be distributed to homeless shelters instead.

"It is very fortunate that we caught these little criminals in time," said Marsha Weinerman, Executive Director of the election commission.  "Supporting anyone in the military is a political statement that is not allowed by law.  If they want to support the troops, then they should start a petition to impeach Bush or refuse to take a bath until all of our baby killing soldiers are brought back home to stand trial.  At least their efforts can benefit the real heroes of this country.  The homeless drug users.  These people struggle to survive against all odds in a country that is run by bigots and racists.  They deserve these items instead."

Protesters Use Children to Block Military Convoy; Don't Rule Out Suicide Bombing

OLYMPIA, Washington --- Protesters used small children to block military equipment from being transported through their city last weekend.  The ploy enjoyed brief success, but the protesters said they were ready to move beyond using children exposed to pepper spray to block large trucks carrying military equipment.

"We'll do whatever it takes," said a protester named Commie Greenstein.  "They have forced us to use our own small children in order to block the psychopathic Bush war machine.  If we have to blow ourselves up next, we'll do it.  If we have to throw our children in front of the convoy and then fire bomb it when they come to a stop, we'll do it.  This is too important to rule out any and all tactics.  But we do support the troops."