Jerhad!com

Pelosi Thought Water Boarding was a Recreational Sport in 2002

SAN FRANCISCO, California --- A surprised-looking Nancy Pelosi claimed she misunderstood what water boarding was back in 2002, and that is why she did not object.  Her explanation came at a press conference after it was revealed that she and other Democrats have known about water boarding for over five years and never complained until now.

"This is not a John Kerry moment," said Pelosi.  "It is not one of those I was for it before I was against it deals.  When the CIA discussed water boarding with me in 2002, I thought it was a recreational sport similar to water skiing.  I was under the impression that they took the terrorists out on the lake to go water boarding in order to befriend them and gain their trust.  Then the terrorists would share all of their secrets thinking that only a good buddy would take them out water boarding.  Now I understand what it really is, and I am absolutely against it." 

Liberal Radio Host Says Child Porn for Book Research

SAN FRANCISCO --- Liberal talk show host, Bernie Ward, was indicted on charges for possession of child pornography.  According to his attorney, Bernie was merely researching for a book at the time.

"Look, he was researching a book," said Ward's attorney.  "This is yet another example of the Bush Administration targeting their enemies with trumped up charges.  What kind of country is this when a grown man can't research for a book about the best places to find child porn online?  What's next?  They'll be arresting guys for buying illegal weapons or nuclear materials online for book research.  Give the guy a break."

Only in San Francisco

The following is an actual email sent to a friend in San Francisco from his trans-gender neighbor.  This is not satire.  This is not a joke.  This is San Francisco.  Some names have been changed to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent.

Hello Neighbors!

I am emailing you to notify you that Monday I will be hanging out with a special submissive friend of mine. Things will be violent and noisy so please don't freak out if you hear someone crying or yelling in torture, it's consensual.

I plan to keep the activity in my dungeon (the extra bedroom in our units) and my bedroom - which will affect Lois, Dan and Olive's apartments. I am only notifying the three of you so you have a thumbs up and don't call the cops or anything, which happens a lot with people involved in the BDSM Lifestyle. I wanted to let you know ahead of time in case you hear us since I do not play easy, quietly or gently. I can't tell you the exact window of time this will be going on since the person has to earn it first but I will say that it won't be going on during sleeping hours for common respect purposes.

 Thank you for your understanding. Enjoy your new week ahead!!!

 Pink TuTu Twirls,
Jimmy

AP Defends Glowing Story of Hillary Calm During Hostage Crisis

WASHINGTON DC --- Today the Associated Press defended their glowing article about Hillary Clinton's handling of a hostage situation several hundred miles away from where she was located.  The theoretically impartial AP downplayed criticism that they exaggerated Hillary's role in the crisis.

"This was a very balanced and honest article," said an AP spokesperson.  "If anything, we downplayed the level of her handling of the situation.  I mean look how much attention Rudy Giuliani got for handling 9/11, and he had an entire network of helpers in the largest city in the country to help him out.  Hillary reacted like a leader, presidential leader, and had only a few dozen advisers to give her guidance.  Hillary remained calm.  Sure, her life wasn't in immediate danger, but the life of another person, who she didn't know, several hundred miles away, in her campaign office space, was in danger.  And the guy actually asked to speak with her.  Did any of the 9/11 terrorists ask to speak with Giuliani?  I don't think so.  I bet he would have cried like a baby.  Not Hillary.  She was calm.  Presidential."

Massachusetts Introduces Anti-Spanking Law to Protect Terrorists from Torture

MASSACHUSETTS --- A controversial anti-spanking ban being introduced in Massachusetts is actually an anti-torture bill meant to protect terrorists from severe interrogation.

"This law was introduced by my home state to combat the Bush Administration and their endless torture," said John Kerry.  "Spanking is torture.  It shouldn't be used on our children, and it shouldn't be used on enemy combatants.  Our enemies spank their children and their prisoners.  We should rise above that.  If we can't get what we want from our children and from our terrorist prisoners through stern discussions and clear communications, then spanking is not the answer.  It is against the Geneva Convention.  It is against American ideals.  And now it is against the law."

Ted Kennedy, the other Massachusetts senator, had a different take on the subject.  "Errrr uh, while I do agree that Bush is a torture fanatic and a lying snake, I think this law needs some modification," said Kennedy.  "For example, spanking should be allowed if you have a written permission slip from another adult to let you spank them in the privacy of your own home.  Just like with the water boarding thing.  Water boarding should be allowed if it involves driving someone off a bridge in the middle of the night.  That, errr uh, is not torture."

Whoopi Blames Teacher in Sudan, Adds Americans Confused About 9/11

LOS ANGELES, California --- Whoopi Goldberg, new host of "The View", commented about the horrifying story of a teacher from the UK who was imprisoned for allowing her class of 7-year-olds to name a teddy bear Muhammad in Sudan.  Whoopi argued that the teacher probably should have known better and blamed her own ignorance of Islamic law for the incident.  She added that Americans and Europeans around the world are just plain ignorant of the customs of Islam.

"I'm just saying that we are all ignorant and ugly Americans," said Whoopi.  "Take 9/11 as another example.  Ignorant Americans didn't realize that crashing planes into buildings and killing over 3,000 infidels is just part of Islamic culture.  So there we go, overreacting and bombing the whole Muslim world cuz of it.  Learn about other cultures, people.  Don't be ignorant.  Don't go naming teddy bears or drawing cartoons or being shocked when planes fly into your neighborhood.  Are you listening to me?  Damn I'm smart.  I should start a learning institute or something for the assistance of ugly Americans."