AFGHANISTAN --- John Kerry's helicopter made an emergency landing during a snowstorm in Afghanistan while looking for soldiers who were too dumb not to get out of serving in Afghanistan or Iraq.
"I was over in Afghanistan on a secret mission looking for these soldiers who need my help getting out of the war there," said a shaken John Kerry. "These poor men and women are stuck over here, and I'm trying to get them out. Unfortunately, we came under attack from a snowstorm and were forced to make an emergency landing before finding anyone. I will be heading back home to get a Purple Heart and a Silver Star from the President, and then I'll head back to look for soldiers. John Kerry, reporting for duty."