Jerhad!com

Never Forget

McCain Introduces Bill Requiring American Flags Be Printed on Plastic Bottles to Prevent Dems from Throwing Away

After discovering thousands of American flags thrown in the trash after the Democrat Convention, John McCain introduced a bill in the Senate requiring all future American flags be made out of plastic bottles so that Democrats would feel compelled to recycle them instead of trashing them.

"The Democrat Convention was keen to be the greenest event ever," said McCain.  "Environmentalists can't be blamed for this this perceived disrespecting of the flag.  Flags are not made out of plastic, glass, or compostable material.  These poor individuals have probably never owned an actual American flag before and don't know what to do with them after waving them for Obama.  A French or UN flag?  Yes.  An American flag?  Unlikely.  If we make American flags out of a recyclable material, I suspect that not only will the environmentalists recycle them but they will probably humiliate and fine anyone who dares not recycle them properly."

Dems Release Photoshopped Pic of Palin in Bikini with Gun, McCain Takes 20 Point Lead

Democrats, scared that the selection of Sarah Palin might influence the elction in McCain's favor, released a picture of a woman in a bikini holding a rifle with Palin's head Photoshopped onto the body in hopes of scaring voters.  Unfortunately, the scheme backfired as polls showed an immediate 20-point jump for McCain when people believed the photo was authentic.

"It really bit us in the rear," said a Democrat strategist.  "We thought this would sink their campaign, but apparently John McCain now has the support of 96% of the male population.  Honestly, now that I look at the picture, I'm considering voting for McCain myself.  Our next challenge will be to make sure no one believes the picture is authentic.  In fact, we're considering releasing another photo to counter the impact of this one.  Here's a preview.  What do you think?"

Obama Accuses McCain of Cheating on Wife After "In Love with America" Comment

WASHINGTON, DC --- Barack Obama immediately jumped on John McCain after he apparently slipped during his acceptance speech and admitted to "falling in love with America". 

The Quote:
I fell in love with my country when I was a prisoner in someone else’s.

"John McCain disrespected his wife and his honor when he admitted being in love with America," said Obama.  "I feel sorry for Cindy McCain to find out about his love for another woman in front of a television audience of over 37 million.  For the record, I am not in love with anyone other than myself.  And my wife.  I am not in love with America, and I did not have sexual relations with her.  I especially do not have love for her when visiting and speaking in other countries, as John McCain says he did."

Obama Requests Switch in Debate Opponents

Barak Obama invoked the "switcheroo" clause of the debate contract and requested that he debate Governor Sarah Palin instead of John McCain in the upcoming presidential debates. 

"Clearly the people of America would prefer to see me debate Ms. Palin," said Obama.  "Let the old experienced guys like McCain and Biden go at it, while Sarah and I have a more balanced debate based on our similar level of experience.  In fact, I would recommend that the Republicans put Palin at the top of their ticket.  As quickly as possible.  Now.  That would make this more interesting, right?  I'm much more comfortable with Palin, and everyone seems to be comparing me to her instead of McCain already anyway.  Why should I have to debate McCain when people compare me to Palin instead?  This will be the 'change' part of my platform.  I choose to change my debate opponent."

Eli Lilly Prepares for Massive Prozac Bump in Case McCain Wins

An Eli Lilly spokesman announced today that they are furiously attempting to gear up for a massive increase in Prozac manufacturing if John McCain wins the presidential election.  They are unsure if they can meet the demand should the unthinkable occur, and comparisons to the Katrina disaster are being floated by some.

"We are not going to allow this to be a disaster on the scale of the government response to Katrina," said Phil Pauper of Eli Lilly.  "We are ramping up production by 1 million pills each day, and that should cover the city of San Francisco's needs by the end of September.  It is up to the state governments to supply enough grief counselors and distribution sites for our medication.  We'll do our part, but we can't control the other factors.  These people are going to lose it if Obama doesn't win the election.  They will need to cling to their Prozac and Priuses to cope with the perceived redneck stupidity of racist country bumpkins who lack their inate understanding of politics and voted for John McCain.  We are very concerned, but we're doing our part to help."