Change is good
The following is an actual email sent to a friend in San Francisco from his trans-gender neighbor. This is not satire. This is not a joke. This is San Francisco. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent.
Hello Neighbors!
Thank you for your understanding. Enjoy your new week ahead!!!
Jimmy
After a long hiatus, I am back posting again. That stupid capitalist work thing keeps getting in the way of my Jerhads. Enjoy!
I hate the Philadelphia Eagles. I love to see them lose. I never cared much for quarterback Donovan McNabb either. But now I am a fan of McNabb. The guy has shown incredible class in the face of ridiculous insult and slander.
Donovan McNabb is a good quarterback. I don't know if I'd call him "great", but he certainly is better than most. He's a four-time Pro Bowler, four-time Eagles MVP, 2000 NFL MVP runner-up, quarterback of a team who has gone to the NFC Championship Game four consecutive seasons, and has taken his team to the Super Bowl for the first time since 1980. And he did almost all of this without a jackass named Terrell Owens on his team. He even led his team through the playoffs to the Super Bowl last year while TO was out with a broken leg.
You'll notice that nowhere have I yet mentioned McNabb's race. Why? Because it's irrelevant. So I am beyond puzzled by the obsession that others like Rush Limbaugh and now NAACP leader J. Wyatt Mondesire have with Donovan's race. McNabb commented that when a white person points out race that it's racism but that Mondesire's race comments puzzled him. I disagree. I don't know Mondesire, but his comments were bigoted. I don't care if Mondesire is African-American, Jewish or gay. Just because you're a minority doesn't mean you can't be a racist or a bigot.
It's also interesting that when Limbaugh made his comments he was fired from his job and "civil rights" leaders called for his banishment from the earth. Where are those self-proclaimed protectors of minorities now? The silence is deafening.
Through all of the asinine comments by Limbaugh, Mondesire and Terrell Owens, Donovan McNabb has not once lashed out or returned the insults. He just wants to be a quarterback and be judged by his performance on the field. Not a black quarterback. Just a quarterback. I commend him and am a new fan.
But I still hope the Eagles lose.
It was reported in the New York Times on Tuesday that John Kerry called Bill Clinton in the hospital to seek advice on his floundering campaign. While Kerry claims that he was only having a casual conversation and not seeking serious advice on how to turn around the train wreck that resembles his run for President, reports to the contrary have been circulating in the media.
Thanks to that evil Patriot Act that catches far too many terrorists, I've managed to get my hands on the full conversation that took place between Clinton and Kerry as recorded by the FBI. Here's the text of that conversation:
Clinton: Monica, I told you never to call me…
Kerry: No, no, no! Wait! It's John Kerry. Don't hang up, Bill.
Clinton: Oh, it's you. By the way, that's Mr. President to you.
Kerry: Sorry, Mr. President. I'm calling about something of a very serious nature. Could I please get your advice on what to do about something?
Clinton: Divorce her.
Kerry: What?
Clinton: Get out now, buddy. Trust me. You'll live to regret it. It's not worth all of the money.
Kerry: Uh, no, Mr. President. I was calling about my campaign. I'm getting my ass handed to me with both hands. Swiftboat vets, flip flopping, the most liberal voting record of any senator. I need something to turn this ship around. What can I do?
Clinton: Honestly, I don't know much about you, John. Actually, who the hell does know much about you? Can you remind me again why you're qualified to be Commander-in-Chief?
Kerry: I fought in Vietnam, Mr. President. Did you miss my three purple hearts?!?! And that's just a start. I've got a bronze star, and several other medals. I kinda threw the ribbons over the White House fence protesting the war though.
Clinton: The war in Iraq?
Kerry: No, sir. The Vietnam War.
Clinton: Look, Joe…
Kerry: John.
Clinton: Right. John. What the hell are you still doing talking about the Vietnam War? Wait a minute. Aren't you that jackass who testified in front of Congress about war crimes you and others had committed? Didn't you claim atrocities were commonplace, when in fact they really weren't? And the Vietcong used your own words to justify torturing our prisoners of war over there?
Kerry: Uh, well… Um, that's not really how it happened. I was young. I really, uh… Those damn Swiftboat Vets are distorting my record! (crying)
Clinton: Like I said. Why the hell are you still talking about Vietnam? No one cares what you did or didn't do in Vietnam. People who actually remember Vietnam hate you, John. Why in the world would you want to focus on that part of your life? Obviously, you need to move past that. Tell me what you've done since then. What did you achieve as a Senator?
Kerry: Let's see. I voted for 86,754 tax increases during my tenure. I voted against every major defense bill that came up for a vote. I voted against the first Gulf War. I voted for the second one. Then I said I was against it. Then I said I would have done the same thing Bush did. Now I'm saying it was a mistake. But then I voted against funding for the war. Oh, and I've been the lead sponsor on 8 bills that were passed in my 19 years in the Senate. But those were for renaming buildings, creating World Population Awareness Week, and protecting marine mammals from fisheries.
Clinton: (silence)
Kerry: Mr. President? Are you still on the line?
Clinton: John, how the hell did you get the nomination for President? Oh, wait a minute. That was so Hillary could run in… um…
Kerry: What's that?
Clinton: Nothing. Nothing. Look, John. I really don't think you can run on your past record. What is your plan for the future?
Kerry: Bush sucks.
Clinton: Come again?
Kerry: Everything Bush did sucks. I'm going to do it better.
Clinton: Um, yeah. What specifically would that be?
Kerry: Well, I'm going to turn around the economy. I'm creating 50 million new jobs. I'm going to win the war on terrorism. I'm going to solve the problem in Iraq. I'm going to solve the healthcare problem. I'm creating 23,000 new social programs run by the government. I'm going to balance the budget.
Clinton: Okay. But what exactly are you planning to do to achieve these things? You realize we're not a Communist country, right? You can't just take over the economy and the healthcare system.
Kerry: Oh, well, I'm going to raise taxes.
Clinton: (silence)
Kerry: Bill?
Clinton: That's Mr. President, Joe.
Kerry: John.
Clinton: Right. John, have you ever taken an economics class?
Kerry: No.
Clinton: No one in the media has either, so you actually have a shot at convincing them your ridiculous plans make any sense. Just make sure no one ever asks you to name a Bush economic policy that hurt the economy or to name a policy he should have implemented to help the economy. Truthfully, there's no answer to that question, but the media cooperates with us and just plays sound bites about job losses. What about the war on terror?
Kerry: I'm going to send more troops to Iraq from France and Germany and Russia. And then I'm going to pull everyone out of Iraq. And I'm vowing to veto any new military or security spending bill that comes through Congress. And I'm going to place Osama bin Laden under arrest.
Clinton: John, I think I only have one suggestion that you need to follow.
Kerry: Hold on. Let me write this down.
Clinton: Spend all of your campaign money attacking Rudy Giuliani, John McCain, and Colin Powell.
Kerry: What?
Clinton: I think they're the most likely challengers to Hillary in 2008. Let's use all of your money to get a head start for the 2008 campaign.
Kerry: Now hold on a minute!
Clinton: Oh, hey, I've gotta hang up, Joe. Hillary is revoking my phone privileges. (click)
In a surprise move, John Kerry announced the replacement of John Edwards as his running mate. While not reported in major news media, polls showed that a Kerry-Edwards ticket would lose to Bush-Cheney. Feeling the pressure to find a candidate who matched his own views and global outlook, Kerry turned to Saddam Hussein to replace Edwards.
"It was a very close call between Saddam and Senator Clinton," a rejuvenated Kerry told reporters at a press conference. "After hours of discussion in McDonald's with my new campaign manager, Michael Moore, it was determined that Saddam was more appealing than Hillary," he added. "Besides, the French love Saddam as much as they love me, so it seemed like a natural choice."
While it might seem impossible to have Saddam be his running mate from an Iraqi prison, Kerry has apparently already put the wheels in motion to get Saddam out. Michael Moore is in the process of releasing a documentary that will prove Saddam Hussein is merely the scapegoat for hundreds of thousands of murders, tortures and rapes that were actually committed by George W. Bush instead.
Moore has shocking footage that will link Bush to Saddam's atrocities as far back as the 1980's. Apparently, Bush's father's former business partner was on the board of a company that invested in a firm that did research for a French company that sold chemicals to Iraq that were used to gas 100,000 Kurds. Editing eleven scenes together over a 23-year period clearly gives the impression that it was George W. Bush who ordered the use of chemical weapons against the Kurds, not Saddam.
The Kerry campaign is confident that this and other new evidence will allow for an immediate release of Saddam Hussein. As compensation to John Edwards for removing him from the ticket, Kerry is allowing the former trial lawyer to sue the United States and all Coalition forces for $100 billion on Saddam's behalf for false imprisonment. Edwards has already proposed a settlement that would avoid a trial. The lawsuit would be dropped in exchange for allowing Edwards to run another U.N. oil-for-food program in Iraq. Legal analysts estimate that Edwards would likely make more money scamming the oil-for-food program, so the Coalition countries are unlikely to settle.
The New York Times is already projecting Kerry as the next president based on this bold new move. No one hates George W. Bush more than Saddam Hussein, and the Times believes that journalists and other Bush-haters now have someone they can relate to on a personal level. Plus, why would terrorists attack a country run by another terrorist? Kerry will "one-up" Spain and put a terrorist in office to prevent future attacks.
Whoopi Goldberg, the entertainer who recently used vulgar expletives to degrade President Bush at a Kerry/Edwards fundraiser, said "No @#*#($ way! Saddam is on the #$()$*# ticket? That's #)(*#$ great! I can't believe the #)*$# Democrats finally #)(*#$ got it right and chose a %)($%)( candidate who #)(*$#$# appeals to the #$)(*$ heart and soul of this #()*#$ country!" She added "President Bush is a #)(#*$# who #@)*#$@ and deserves #@)(*#$@ and #)(*#$@ from a #)*@#$ and @)#*$#$ with some #)*#@$@#." When told of Whoopi's comments, Kerry commented "That Whoopi really represents the core values of this country. She is the embodiment of what it means to be a Kerry supporter."
Presidential candidate, Ralph Nader, was furious over the announcement. Nader was preparing to remove Green Party member, Peter Camejo, as his VP candidate and replace him with Saddam Hussein after the Green Party refused to nominate Nader as their candidate. Nader is reportedly spending his current campaign funds searching out Osama bin Laden to put him on the Nader ticket. The Kerry Campaign believes this ploy will backfire for Nader, since it is clear from Michael Moore's most recent film that George W. Bush has strong ties to Osama bin Laden and his family. Voters are likely to see Osama bin Laden as just another George W. Bush in an election.
With the explosive growth of reality television as of late, it was only a matter of time before Fox Television created a reality series centering around the hottest topic of the day - Abu Ghraib prison. Mark Burnett, creator of "Survivor" and "The Apprentice", has already begun casting for the sure blockbuster.
Twenty-four contestants will be selected to compete for a prize of $1 million dollars. Since many liberals locally and abroad have criticized the Abu Ghraib prison abuses by the U.S. military as being "worse than when Saddam was in power", there will be two separate groups competing for the prize money. Twelve average Americans will be selected to spend time as mock prisoners in a prison run by a group of fraternity brothers from Texas A&M, Michigan, Oklahoma, and Florida State. Twelve other contestants from European countries and the Green Party will be selected to spend their time in a mock prison run by former Saddam loyalists.
Only one person from each prison will make it to the finals to compete for the $1 million prize. The prison guards will vote to eliminate the weakest crybaby from each group every week after going through various challenges. Here are some of the challenges each group will face:
" The fraternity prison group will be forced to strip naked and lie on top of each other in a pyramid. The Saddam group will be forced to strip naked and lie on a pyramid of burning hot coals.
" The fraternity group will be forced to watch two complete strangers have sex with one another. The Saddam group will be forced to watch prison guards have sex with their mothers, daughters and wives.
" The fraternity group will have plastic glow sticks poked up their rear ends. The Saddam group will have red-hot pokers stuffed up their rear ends.
" The fraternity group will be forced to touch their own privates with their bare hands. The Saddam group will have their hands surgically removed.
" The fraternity group will have vicious dogs bark at them from a short distance. The Saddam group will have vicious dogs bite them from a short distance.
" The fraternity group will threaten male detainees with rape. The Saddam group will be raped.
" The fraternity group will be forced to strip naked and wear women's underwear. The Saddam group will be castrated and forced to wear women's underwear.
" The fraternity group will be stripped naked, forced to form a pile, and have fraternity brothers jump on the pile. The Saddam group will be stripped naked and forced to jump off a two-story wall onto broken glass to form a pile.
" Both groups will have pictures and videos taken of all of these events for distribution to the media. Only the fraternity group will be publicized by the media.
The finalist from each group will then compete for $1 million dollars. The fraternity group finalist will be forced to wear a shirt that says "I Am a Proud Muslim" and live in New York. The Saddam finalist will be forced to wear a shirt that says "I Am a Proud Christian" and live in Baghdad. The one who survives will win the $1 million prize.
Liberal groups have already begun protesting the reality television show. PETA is protesting the cruelty of using dogs on the fraternity prisoners, because it is cruel to get that close and not let the dogs take a bite. The ACLU has filed a lawsuit against Fox Television, because they believe no one can survive a prison run like the Americans have run Abu Ghraib. Some liberals are concerned about whether the lawsuit will get enough ACLU resources to succeed, since the group is currently spending most of its resources to defend the rights of pedophiles to distribute literature about how to kidnap and rape children without getting caught. Al Gore claimed the use of hot coals contributes to global warming and called for the immediate resignation of President Bush and his entire cabinet for allowing such a show to be aired on television.
Meanwhile, Ted Kennedy is now suing Fox Television, claiming one of their producers came up with several of the sex and naked challenges after attending a party at his home last summer. Mark Burnett, while admitting the similarities were very close, dismissed the allegations outright.
I love my grandmother very much, and I think it's time to ask for her hand in marriage. Since I live in San Francisco, I think there's a pretty good chance we can get the license approved. If banning same-sex marriage violates California's equal protection clause in the constitution, then certainly banning incest marriage also violates that equal protection clause.
I know, most of you out there are saying "dude, that's pretty freakin' gross!" Whatever. That's really not your concern. How many people think same-sex marriage is gross? That shouldn't be the measure of whether or not we allow people to marry. Just let me do what I want to do, since I'm not hurting anyone else. How am I really affecting any of you if I want to marry my grandmother, huh? Don't discriminate against me and my grandmother just because you wouldn't do it yourself.
It's time for me to stand up for my civil rights. The government has no right to disqualify me from marrying my grandmother if that's what I want to do. I'm guaranteed life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I'm just pursuing happiness, and it's not impacting anyone else. Who is this hurting? People might think we'll have a rough time making it due to the lack of acceptance out there, but I'm determined to make it anyway. That's my decision to make. Not yours or the government's.
And don't tell me I can get most of the same benefits of married people without actually redefining marriage and becoming husband and wife with my grandmother. Marrying my grandmother will give me several benefits that are currently only available to married heterosexual couples, newly married same-sex couples, and same-sex domestic partners (a new law in California gives certain rights to same-sex domestic partners that are not available to opposite-sex domestic partners). Once we're married, I can mooch off her healthcare benefits, reduce my insurance rates, and transfer her estate to me without any taxes being deducted (since it will now be community property).
Gavin Newsom, the Mayor of San Francisco, was so proud to thumb his nose at the law and redefine marriage for same-sex couples. I'm quite sure he'll be just as proud to bless my marriage to my grandmother and break down the walls on yet another unfair discriminatory practice in this country. Bill Lockyer, California's Attorney General, seems content to let Newsom define marriage law however he pleases, so that's another barrier out of the way. Since Lockyer doesn't enforce state law, I'm not quite sure what his job is. But hey, why asks questions? I know Bill won't stand in my way. The judges in California also seem to think that laws and public referendums don't matter, so I can't see how anyone can stop me. Heck, if I convince everyone that redefining marriage in this way might get more votes, I could probably get John Kerry to be my best man right there at City Hall. He stands up for the little guy, you know?
One small problem occurs to me though. I'd really like to have a family some day, and I'm certainly not planning to do that with my grandmother. Hmmmm…. What can I do about that? Wait! I know. I can just marry someone else who wants to have children as well. I know what you're thinking. Polygamy is illegal, stupid. Not in California! Gavin Newsom is certainly not going to discriminate against polygamists. Equal protection, baby! As long as we're all consenting adults, we should be allowed to have the same rights and privileges as those elitist monogamist heterosexual married folk.
If you think about it, why do we even have laws that prevent polygamy and incest marriages? I mean polygamy is actively practiced in many countries throughout the world and has a history dating back centuries. No such history exists for same-sex marriages. I know people have concerns about birth defects with incest marriages, but come on. I'm not having any kids with my 87-year-old grandmother. What reason would society have for preventing us from getting married?
Come to think of it, California's constitution and the ballot measure passed a couple of years ago don't specifically disallow my marriage with my grandmother anyway. It specifically defines marriage as being between one man and one woman. Well, I'm a man, and my grandmother is a woman. I'm half way home with my plan! Now I just need to get the whole polygamy issue resolved. I guess I can address that when I decide to marry my second wife and start a family.
In the meantime, I think I'll just encourage current polygamists to storm City Hall in San Francisco and demand marriage licenses to put an end to their discrimination. But if you're a conservative Catholic woman living in the San Francisco area who might want to marry me and my grandmother, I'd certainly love to hear from you. The three of us could live a wonderful life together. And hey, if you've got a hot friend, maybe she'd like to marry us too. Don't worry about the legal logistics. The term "marriage" is meaningless now.
David Kay, charged with searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq for the last several months, resigned his post recently and stated that he did not believe Iraq possessed WMD prior to the recent coalition invasion. While President Bush never listed this as the primary reason for invading Iraq, the inability to find WMD has been cited by many of his foes in the media and in the Democratic Party as a major flaw in the decision to invade Iraq.
Howard Dean, smarting from the recent capture of Saddam Hussein, has been looking for another angle to attack Bush about the war against Iraq. Insiders reveal that he believes the lack of evidence for WMD will give him a great opportunity to blame Bush for going to war based on a lie about WMD. If he could only prove a lack of WMD in Iraq, he could pin blame on Bush for invading Iraq without justification. Dean's sputtering anti-war rhetoric and infamous "Iowa Yell" would be forgotten, and Dr. Dean could again take his rightful place at the head of the Democratic Party with relentless Bush bashing.
But Dean didn't trust David Kay's statement about WMD. He feared that Bush might be setting a trap for him. As soon as he blamed Bush for fighting a war based on lies about WMD, Bush might suddenly pull the rug out from under him and find WMD in Iraq. After the "Iowa Yell", he couldn't survive another major blunder like that.
So to gain comfort on the non-existence of WMD in Iraq, Dean devised a plan to have a secret hunt for WMD under his own direction. But he needed to do it in a stealth manner so as not to tip his hand about what he was doing. He had to send someone to Iraq who would never, I mean never, be suspected of searching for WMD. Since Saddam Hussein was already in custody, Dean was forced to go to his second choice - Sean Penn.
To make the ruse work, Sean was sent in undercover as a "journalist" for the San Francisco Chronicle. While sending back articles that appeared to be written by his stoner high school character, Jeff Spicoli, Penn was actually preparing a report while conducting a massive search for WMD. The results of that report are now complete, and the text of that report appears below.
TITLE: DUDE, NO WMD HERE
Howie, man. What's up? The following is a report on my search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. It was a long, hard search, but I'm pretty confident that nothing is there, dude. We're going to nail that Bushwhacker to the wall on this one!
Upon my arrival in Baghdad, I was greeted by my guide, Samir, at the airport. Samir was a great guy, but he was missing three fingers and an eye. Apparently, he had been "re-educated" by the former regime when his daughter refused to marry an Iraqi general. He looked really cool with the patch on his eye though. Kind of like a pirate.
My first order of business was to search the hundreds of mass graves throughout Iraq. If I was hiding WMD, I think that would be the perfect place to put them. Who wants to dig through all of those rotting corpses to find a few vials of anthrax or ricin? There were so many graves to dig through, that I brought along Michael Moore, Martin Sheen, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon to help with the search. We didn't find a single piece of evidence that WMD were located there. The search wasn't a complete waste though. Samir found six of his relatives during our searches. Good eye, Samir! (no joke intended there, dude)
Next, we decided to search the 637 vacated torture chambers and rape rooms around Iraq. That was really depressing. All of those people who worked in those torture chambers are unemployed now. Even more jobs lost because of Bush! We looked under every body shredder, torture rack and rape kit. Again, we found nothing. We even tested the thousands of bloodstains throughout the buildings for signs of biological weapons. Samir urinated on the rape room where his daughter was violated, so that was kind of cool.
Undeterred, we headed to the hidden terrorist training camps in the deserts. That was an interesting search. Some of the homicide bomb vests were still intact at these places, so we had to be careful when conducting our searches. We found plenty of documents outlining how to make dirty bombs and hijack commercial airlines, but none of them contained traces of radiation or biological or chemical weapons after testing.
At this point, we were feeling good about the lack of WMD evidence. But we still had to search government buildings. What a nightmare! Piles and piles of secret documents had to be moved out of the way for us to conduct our searches. Meetings with Al Qaeda officials, nuclear centrifuge designs, human testing of biological and chemical agents, communications with North Korea about obtaining weapon technology, blah, blah, blah. Way too many documents in our way. It took hours to shred them so we could have room to search for WMD. No WMD found, but I did find some really cool diagrams of major U.S. monuments, bridges, buildings and nuclear power plants. I should mention that there was a lot of documentation about plans by Saddam to manufacture or acquire WMD, but I'm confident he wasn't successful yet.
Lucky for us, Bush invaded now instead of a year from now. Otherwise, we might have actually found some WMD by that point and helped justify this disgusting war. Howie, can you imagine if Saddam had been successful in getting a nuclear weapon by now? We'd really have egg on our face if we found one of those.
So that's it, man. Nothing. Nada. No WMD in this country. I can't vouch for the weapons that might have been moved to Syria or Iran, but I've got another movie to make and don't have time to search those countries too. We also didn't find any evidence that the WMD we knew existed were actually destroyed. Can't quite figure out what happened to all that stuff, but we sure didn't find it.
Finally, I think this is a great approach to knock down the war machine. Afghanistan and Kosovo didn't have any WMD either, and we bombed those dudes too. Just say the word, and I'll hop on my private jet to prove they didn't have WMD in those countries and nail Bush for those wars as well. I think Clinton might have been president for one of those wars, but I doubt anyone will notice. The honcho I know at the New York Times assures me they won't mention anything about Clinton being in charge during one of those wars. Good luck, Howie! YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
First, destruction of the Iraqi military. Then, marching into Baghdad. Next, freedom for all Iraqis. Followed by clearing out terrorists and other insurgents. And now the United States military forces in Iraq are even beginning to solve the homeless problem. Is there anything our military can't do?
On December 14, 2003, our military heroes in Iraq were shown on the Communist News Network (CNN) rousting a bearded homeless man out of an underground "spider hole" at a farmhouse outside of Tikrit. This vagabond was taken into custody, and they didn't even show proof that he had urinated on a public building or that he had been harassing Iraqi tourists who might be visiting the now-defunct torture chambers and rape rooms scattered throughout Iraq.
Why can we solve the homeless problems in a far away place like Iraq and do nothing to improve the situation here at home? Can't the police and military clean out the spider holes in our own country? President Bush is insulting us by solving homelessness in the rest of the world while ignoring the problem in his own back yard.
The Democracker presidential candidates are already viewing this incident as a key issue in the 2004 election. Coward Dean immediately announced that the detention of this bearded Iraqi homeless man did not make the United States any safer from terrorism. He didn't really elaborate, so I assume he was inferring that we will only be safe from terrorism once all bearded homeless men living in spider holes right here in America are rounded up and taken into custody by our military or law enforcement agencies. You go, Coward Dean! And here I thought you were soft on terrorism after insisting that Osama bin Laden was innocent until proven guilty in a jury trial. I had you all wrong.
But Dean didn't stop there. In an interview with CNN he claimed that "some people" believe the capture of this homeless fellow in Iraq was actually a staged event to coincide with the election. He also claimed that "some people" believe that George W. Bush is really the cryogenically unfrozen body of Adolf Hitler after major plastic surgery. And that "some people" believe the entire country of Iraq is really just a huge sound stage on Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas, where Bush is creating the supposed "war on terror" complete with freedom for the Iraqi people and a solution for their homeless problem.
John F. Kerry, the lone Frenchman vying for the Democracker nomination, claimed that Bush's solution for the homeless problem in Iraq simply proved that Bush's tax cuts were a complete failure and that his Homeland Security plan was a disaster. When someone pointed out that the economy has seen dramatic improvements recently and that there hasn't been a successful domestic terrorist attack since 9/11, Kerry stated "these are not the droids you're looking for." Confused by this Jedi mind trick, the New York Times accidentally declared Kerry the winner of the 2004 presidential election the following day. An angry Dan Rather reported this news as fact and later had to retract his report.
In San Francisco, the homeless capital of the world, reaction was quick and decisive. Matt Gonzalez, the former candidate for mayor in San Francisco for the Red Par… uh, the Green Party, immediately denounced the detention of this bearded homeless man in Iraq. "Isn't it bad enough that some American cities actually arrest and jail homeless crack dealers, pedophiles, burglars, rapists, and murderers?" he said. "Now our military forces are abusing the homeless outside of our own borders! Will they stop at nothing to avoid providing tax-payer funded housing for drug addicts, alcoholics and Commun… uh, comrad… uh, environmentalists?"
Gonzalez then began to stress over how the city of San Francisco might provide a $400 check to this homeless Iraqi citizen that it provides to all other homeless transients living in the spider holes of San Francisco. When word of Gonzalez's stress over this $400 payment reached the now-free-press of Iraq, Southwest Airlines announced that almost 23 million Iraqis flooded their reservation system to book flights to San Francisco. Apparently, $400-per-month is six thousand times the average monthly income of most Iraqis.
Gonzalez did see one positive outcome from the capture of this bearded homeless man in Iraq. He has now proposed that San Francisco require all developers in San Francisco build a minimum of one "spider hole" for every four apartment units built within city limits. However, he is vehemently opposed to using environmentally unfriendly Styrofoam for the doorway to these spider holes (as was used by this unfortunate homeless man in Iraq). Instead, he proposes using hemp as a viable substitute. Gonzalez offered his own personal stash of 1,100 pounds of hemp as a starter.
Appalled by the treatment of this Iraqi homeless man, BraBra Streisand and hundreds of Hollywood activists have begun planning a fundraiser. The Ditsie Chicks have even volunteered to travel all the way to South America to raise money for the Iraqi homeless. An embarrassed BraBra Streisand informed the Ditsie Chicks that Iraq was actually in Africa, not South America, and that they would have to alter their travel plans. The Ditsie Chicks informed BraBra that they were already doing a show Montreal, so they could easily take a quick bus ride to get there after the Montreal concert. Martin Sheen even volunteered to drive the bus.
Meanwhile, in Iraq, a cowardly, murderous, homeless man is being held in a jail cell that is larger than his previous spider hole residence. And rather than being fed through a plastic shredder, being raped, hung, set on fire, dipped in acid, skinned alive, shot, castrated, fed through a meat grinder, having eyeballs plucked, being decapitated, or being forced to watch as his daughter is raped, this Iraqi homeless man awaits a public trial under conditions that are surely better than living in a spider hole at a farm house in Tikrit.
Maybe it's time we learned something from the way our military is solving the homeless problem in Iraq. As President Bush said after 9/11, "smoke 'em out of their holes, get 'em runnin', and bring 'em to justice."
An alarming discovery by NASA has Green Party members, The Sierra Club, Al Gore, The United Nations, and tree-hugging hippies all over earth in a panic. Global warming is occurring on Mars! NASA has reported that Mars is coming out of an ice age and experiencing significant climate changes. Some how, some way, the ruthless Republicans have found a way to get their message of support for oil companies and gas guzzling SUV's all the way to Mars. How else can anyone explain global warming on Mars?
Concerned environmentalists everywhere expressed dismay that they were asleep at the wheel for this one. Not content to destroy just the earth, the Republicans must have devised a way to push their destruction all the way to Mars. Theories have begun to surface that Rush Limbaugh's radio show is being broadcast through a Republican-owned satellite directed at Mars. Others theorize that this is a Bush payoff to his oil buddies for winning the election, or that this plot might somehow be a hidden clause somewhere deep in the pages of that dreaded Patriot Act.
Response from the environmental movement was swift and decisive. Hours after Al Gore endorsed metrosexual Howard Dean for president, he stated "I support Dean, because he's willing to fight against SUV use on Mars." He added, "The Bush administration will not get away with causing global warming on yet another planet. Being the laughingstock of the Democratic Party now, I might be forced to live on Mars some day. And I'll be damned if I'm going to allow global warming to happen in a place that could be the future home for me and my family."
In response to this dreaded news, the French announced that they would triple gasoline taxes in order to build a fund for fighting global warming on Mars. After administration fees, payoffs, and adjustments, the French estimate the fund will accumulate $73 within the next ten years. Earlier rumors that deodorant might cause global warming have caused the French to renew their vow to reject deodorant usage until both the earth and Mars have beaten global warming.
Recently defeated San Francisco mayoral Green Party candidate, Matt Gonzalez, immediately vowed to fight for an end to global warming on Mars. His first order of business as the current president of the San Francisco board of supervisors was to order all bike companies in San Francisco to send bicycles to Mars on the next NASA rocket at their own expense. He also began a process to hire 23,000 more city workers to send to Mars in order to build three new bike lanes. As a sign of solidarity to our Mars comrades, Gonzalez suggested that all San Franciscans still demented enough to own a car should donate their car to the city in order for it to be turned into affordable housing for the growing homeless population.
Sensing another opportunity to try and make a difference, Hollywood heavies like Martin Sheen, Danny Glover, and Sean Penn have begun organizing a protest march and civil disobedience rallies to be held on the streets of Mars until global warming is stopped dead in its tracks. Martin Sheen issued a press release in which he said "how many innocent Martian babies need to die because of the senseless greed of the Bush administration and his oil buddies?" He continued by saying "we know this is all part of Bush's plot to kill children and destroy the land and water on every planet within his reach." Sheen hopped into his limo to a waiting private jet to take him back to one of his multiple multi-thousand-square-foot homes with full heating and air conditioning and could not be reached for further comment. Since the Hollywood activists don't want to use environmentally destructive rocket fuel to reach their destination, they have formed a committee to either design a bicycle that can be ridden to Mars or to invent a rocket fuel made from hemp.
The boldest move, however, came from the United Nations. Based on their success in finding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, UN president, Kofi Anan, has decided to send a UN inspection team to Mars in order to search and destroy SUV's, power plants, and human beings. When asked why the UN would want to destroy any human beings it found on Mars, Kofi Anan replied "everyone knows that human beings expel carbon dioxide when they exhale. If carbon dioxide is causing global warming, then all producers of that gas must be destroyed to save that wonderful planet." Given the incompetence of the UN inspection team, Anan admitted that any human being on Mars would likely be safe from discovery.
Meanwhile, deep in the boardrooms of SUV manufacturers, executives began counting the endless billions they are making from secret sales to Mars. And oil company executives can only smile as they have found a market for their product on a planet with no environmental laws or EPA restrictions.
Yes, Mars is experiencing global warming. Environmentalists know this can't be a natural occurrence, so the evil Republicans, oil companies, and SUV manufacturers must be at fault.
