After discovering thousands of American flags thrown in the trash after the Democrat Convention, John McCain introduced a bill in the Senate requiring all future American flags be made out of plastic bottles so that Democrats would feel compelled to recycle them instead of trashing them.
"The Democrat Convention was keen to be the greenest event ever," said McCain. "Environmentalists can't be blamed for this this perceived disrespecting of the flag. Flags are not made out of plastic, glass, or compostable material. These poor individuals have probably never owned an actual American flag before and don't know what to do with them after waving them for Obama. A French or UN flag? Yes. An American flag? Unlikely. If we make American flags out of a recyclable material, I suspect that not only will the environmentalists recycle them but they will probably humiliate and fine anyone who dares not recycle them properly."
Democrats, scared that the selection of Sarah Palin might influence the elction in McCain's favor, released a picture of a woman in a bikini holding a rifle with Palin's head Photoshopped onto the body in hopes of scaring voters. Unfortunately, the scheme backfired as polls showed an immediate 20-point jump for McCain when people believed the photo was authentic.
"It really bit us in the rear," said a Democrat strategist. "We thought this would sink their campaign, but apparently John McCain now has the support of 96% of the male population. Honestly, now that I look at the picture, I'm considering voting for McCain myself. Our next challenge will be to make sure no one believes the picture is authentic. In fact, we're considering releasing another photo to counter the impact of this one. Here's a preview. What do you think?"
I fell in love with my country when I was a prisoner in someone else’s.
"John McCain disrespected his wife and his honor when he admitted being in love with America," said Obama. "I feel sorry for Cindy McCain to find out about his love for another woman in front of a television audience of over 37 million. For the record, I am not in love with anyone other than myself. And my wife. I am not in love with America, and I did not have sexual relations with her. I especially do not have love for her when visiting and speaking in other countries, as John McCain says he did."
"Clearly the people of America would prefer to see me debate Ms. Palin," said Obama. "Let the old experienced guys like McCain and Biden go at it, while Sarah and I have a more balanced debate based on our similar level of experience. In fact, I would recommend that the Republicans put Palin at the top of their ticket. As quickly as possible. Now. That would make this more interesting, right? I'm much more comfortable with Palin, and everyone seems to be comparing me to her instead of McCain already anyway. Why should I have to debate McCain when people compare me to Palin instead? This will be the 'change' part of my platform. I choose to change my debate opponent."
An Eli Lilly spokesman announced today that they are furiously attempting to gear up for a massive increase in Prozac manufacturing if John McCain wins the presidential election. They are unsure if they can meet the demand should the unthinkable occur, and comparisons to the Katrina disaster are being floated by some.
"We are not going to allow this to be a disaster on the scale of the government response to Katrina," said Phil Pauper of Eli Lilly. "We are ramping up production by 1 million pills each day, and that should cover the city of San Francisco's needs by the end of September. It is up to the state governments to supply enough grief counselors and distribution sites for our medication. We'll do our part, but we can't control the other factors. These people are going to lose it if Obama doesn't win the election. They will need to cling to their Prozac and Priuses to cope with the perceived redneck stupidity of racist country bumpkins who lack their inate understanding of politics and voted for John McCain. We are very concerned, but we're doing our part to help."
MOUNTAIN VIEW, California --- Google refused to remove Al Qaeda videos from YouTube today, claiming free speech concerns in response to a request from Senator Joe Lieberman over security issues. Their focus will instead be on compliance with Chinese government requests to silence dangerous Chinese bloggers and government critics.
"We respect Senator Lieberman's concerns, but we think he's wrong," said a Google spokesperson. "Al Qaeda has free speech rights too. Even if they kill Americans and foster death and destruction around the world. I mean we're not talking about dangerous Chinese bloggers and dissidents and human rights information. While we are ignoring US government requests to censor terrorists, we will still aggressively comply with Chinese government requests to block any content the Chinese government finds objectionable. We feel that is the only real threat that needs to be addressed by our company. Our motto is to do no evil, and we don't feel the Al Qaeda videos recruiting terrorists to kill and torture civilians meet the same standards on evil as websites critical of the Chinese government or promoting human rights."
USA --- Scientists recently discovered that human beings almost went extinct 70,000 years ago due to a massive drought. The cause? Man-made global warming primarily from the use of standard light bulbs.
"The usage of non-CFC light bulbs almost destroyed the human race," said Dr. Max Charlatan of the Lexington Institute of Advanced Research. "Had they used CFC bulbs, I calculate that the world would not have seen this drought. We should use this as a warning to all humans today. World governments need to force people to use CFC bulbs and ride bicycles in order to prevent disaster. The other shocking discovery from this study is that apparently George Bush is over 70,000 years old, and his policies were the ones that can be blamed for this near-tragedy. He is the Devil."