ARKANSAS --- Several weeks after Barack Obama got into trouble over his pastor saying that the US government introduced AIDS into the black population, Hillary Clinton is now faced with a similar mess. Her pastor, Danielle Meyer, has now been caught saying in a sermon that the US government is also responsible for introducing PMS into the female population in order to destroy women. A secret taping of one of her sermons from 2006 reveals a hatred of the government and America's long-time effort to bring down women.
Quote from her sermon: "The government lied about inventing PMS as a means of genocide against women. The government lied. Women are fighting against each other, and they are fighting the wrong enemy. Men are the enemy who oppress women so that men can live better lives. Goddess damn America! That's in the Bible. Goddess damn America for its oppression and genocide of women! When men die from Viagra overdoses, that's just pigeons coming home to nest after all of the women they have oppressed."
Hillary Clinton's campaign quickly scrambled to control the damage. Hillary said in an interview that "I can no more disown her than I can disown the female
community. I can no
more disown her than I can disown my male grandfather -- a man who helped raise me, after he told me women belong in the kitchen and making pies." Clinton is expected to give an historic speech on sexism within the next week.
ISRAEL --- Former President, Jimmy Carter, became so jealous of Barack Obama's desire to meet with all terrorists and enemies of America, that he has quickly embarked on his own mission called "A Journey of Hope, Change and Love for People Who Want to Kill Americans". His first stop will be with the head of Hamas.
"Barack has nothing on me," said Carter. "By the time this election rolls around, I will have met with all of America's enemies already. Hamas? Hugged and kissed them. Chavez? Will give him a Cuban cigar. Iran's Ahmapajamahead? I will kiss his feet while kneeling on an American flag. Kim Jong Il? I'll bring him some cash money. Osama bin Laden? I'll sneak in rocket launchers and box cutters for his needs. And I wont' stop there. I will go far beyond the feeble imagination of Mr. Obama. I will next meet with every murderer in prison. Some may say this is cruel to the families of the murder victims, but I am hopeful that I can be a communicator between the two sides and bring some understanding and peace. If the families of the murder victims don't understand or won't reconcile, then they only have themselves to blame. They are acting like George Bush would act. Or they're just dumb, bitter Pennsylvanians."
"My rivals are making this a ridiculous spectacle," said Obama. "I am not an elitist. I am merely a Communist. All I meant is that lesser educated people in small towns are clinging to these things when instead they should be clinging to the government. I will be that candidate who brings about a hope and change which will let them turn to the government to confront bitterness. It's not just small town people either. Big city bitter people who turn to Starbucks and yoga and therapy and shopping should also turn to government instead. Government is the answer to all of our problems. Government will make everything better, not bitter. I can fix this mess, if you're smart enough to just give me the power to do it."
"I was over in Afghanistan on a secret mission looking for these soldiers who need my help getting out of the war there," said a shaken John Kerry. "These poor men and women are stuck over here, and I'm trying to get them out. Unfortunately, we came under attack from a snowstorm and were forced to make an emergency landing before finding anyone. I will be heading back home to get a Purple Heart and a Silver Star from the President, and then I'll head back to look for soldiers. John Kerry, reporting for duty."
WASHINGTON, DC --- The John McCain campaign was toasting champagne after winning an improbable three Oscars for Best Picture, Director and Adapted Screenplay. The picture, 'No Country for Old Men', is a documentary about the McCain candidacy.
"This is a great day for our campaign," said McCain. "This win just shows that even a true conservative can win in Hollywood. I skipped watching Matlock tonight to make sure I caught the Oscars. I'm very very pleased."
The New York Times film, 'There Will Be Blood', won Oscars as well. The McCain campaign called the story about the 'There Will Be Blood' Oscars completely false and without merit. The New York Times admitted the story may not have met their normal standards.
"I am the candidate of hope, change, and the future," said Obama. "I am very patriotic, so this has nothing to do with patriotism. The American flag just doesn't represent hope, change, and the future to me. And I am only focused on those areas right now. Anything that does not fit with that theme has no part in my life. Just like I would never wear a picture of George Bush on my lapel. Or a crucifix. Or a dollar sign. Those things have no place in my theme. My hopeful dream of a changing future of hopefulness can only be realized with my full focus on those areas. And it has nothing to do with patriotism."
Barack Hussein Obama defended what appeared to be plagiarism as actually being a botched joke and refused to apologize.
"This is a classic GOP-like textbook campaign tactic," said Obama. "Clearly my remarks were directed at the Clinton campaign. They know precisely why I copied that speech, and they're trying to turn this because they have a bankrupt policy. I am the candidate of hope, change, freedom, and hope. They didn't seem to mind when I stole my campaign slogan from a Communist immigrant farm worker named Cesar Chavez. Si se puede? Yes we can? Look, you're either with me, or you're with my enemies. Bill, Hillary, and George Bush are the Axis of Evil and must be stopped. We will smoke them out of their holes, get them running, and bring them to justice. Tear down that wall, Mrs. Clinton! I have a dream. A dream of hope and justice and change and hope. We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And I will not let these tactics derail me.
WASHINGTON, DC --- Often criticized for being long on rhetoric and short on policy, Barack Hussein Obama finally released a detailed plan outlining his policies if he were elected president.
"No one can say I am shallow and running on a campaign slogan," said Obama. "I have now outlined plans for all of the key areas that a president will need to address as he faces the world."
Obama's detailed plans are as follow: Healthcare: I will formulate a policy that brings hope and belief to the uninsured. We're going to make a change that will allow the poor to believe in hope and have hope for a believable future. This believable hopeful future will be a change from today and from the past and focus on the future. And it will happen by only taking money from the very wealthiest in our society who should contribute more. Those making over $75,000 per year.
Defense: We would not have any enemies if not for their lack of hope. My defense plan would create a change for a hopeful future for these so-called terrorists. We will cut back our military and create a future filled with hope and belief for these poor souls who are only enemies of America because we stole their hopes and dreams of a hopeful future and change.
Economy: Our economy is in shambles because there is a lack of hope. I am going to change the direction of the economy to put hope back into the economic future. Specifically, I will change the future hopeful direction of the economy that people can believe in again. That hopeful believe in a hopeful future will be gained by taxing the super-wealthy people making over $75,000 per year. This change will create hope and change in a believable future.
"Some of you might say these plans of mine are too hopeful and require too many changes," continued Obama. "But it's all spelled out right there in writing in great hopeful detail. Can we do it? Yes, we can."